Dating is a chaotic tumult of experiences, almost all of which are out of our control. It isn’t up to you whether anyone else wants to date you or returns your feelings; the dating app algorithms are mysterious and opaque, and trying to meet someone out in the world can feel hopelessly random.
The one thing you can control is your own actions — and when you do have a date, you can do your best to make sure you’re an incredible first date they’ll never forget. Here’s how:
Take initiative before, after and during
It’s normal to be nervous when dating — especially if it’s new — and worried about doing the wrong thing. Somehow, however, this manifests in a desire to have the other person steer the entire dating experience: asking you out in the first place, choosing the activity, figuring out times, and everything else. It’s undeniably lovely to have restaurant or movie options researched and offered to you — and that’s why your date also deserves that experience.
How are you demonstrating interest and engagement in this person, and doing your part to make having a date possible? Can you be the person to move a chat on a dating app or over text into an in-person date by asking if they want to get coffee sometime? Can you suggest some places to meet that are in their neighborhood?
During your date, think about ways to show up actively rather than passively waiting for your date to make conversation with you. Are there interests you have in common you can plan to ask them about? Can you bring flowers or a coffee for them before you go on a walk together?
Put in the effort to reach out after your date, regardless of how it went. If you had a great time and would love to see them again, tell them so! Let them know why you enjoyed it so much,a characteristic of theirs you’re really into, or something they said that you’re still thinking about. Make a point of offering up a specific and actionable next date if possible to show that you mean it — even better than hearing “I’d love to see you again” is “are you free this weekend? I’d love to take you to see my friend’s play and grab a drink after.”
If you didn’t feel a spark, let them know that too (kindly). Sending a direct, clear text telling someone you had a great time but don’t see this as a romantic connection helps the other person manage expectations and make informed choices. If you’re someone who has trouble delivering “bad” news, remember all the times you’ve appreciated knowing what’s what, even when it isn’t what you’d prefer.
Focus more on being interested than interesting
Many of us worry about what to say on a first date — how do we come across as funny, charming and appealing when we feel so boring? The great news is that this doesn’t need to be your goal! Instead of thinking about going into a date trying to impress the other person with what kind of a person they are, focus on impressing them with how attuned and attentive you could be to them as a partner.
This means using all your active listening skills — nod and exclaim when they share something important, and mirror their emotional reactions to show that you care (when they talk about how awful their best friend’s ex was, you can roll your eyes and emphatically agree). Rephrase what they share back to them to check for understanding and show that you’re listening and really hearing them: “Wow, it sounds like you didn’t intend to be working in the industry you are now, but you’ve found it really fulfilling anyway. That’s so cool!”
And of course, we’ve all heard horror stories of people being trapped in hours-long dates without being asked about themselves once. Asking questions is absolutely crucial — but the right kind of questions. You aren’t trying to quiz someone about their biography — you’re trying to learn more about their interiority, what makes them tick. So rather than “do you have any siblings?” asking something more open-ended like “who in your family are you closest with?” might yield better results and open up deeper conversation. When they do share, listen actively and then be prepared to ask some followup questions. If their closest family member is a cousin they grew up with, you can ask “Wow, it’s so cool that you’ve remained close all these years — how have you both changed since then?”
Clear is kind when it comes to communication
Dating is a vulnerable process, and the first (few) date(s) with someone can be incredibly nerve wracking. One of the kindest things you can do for both yourself and your date is communicate clearly about both positive and more challenging things — it lets you both know exactly what you’re working with at any given time without guesswork or mind-reading, and establishes a hugely important foundation of trust if you do continue dating.
This doesn’t have to be hard — start with giving compliments! While we might be nervous about coming off as “too much” or too forward on a first date, sharing the positive thoughts about your date will generally be enormously welcome. Are you impressed with the red lipstick they wore for your date? Think their style is so cool and edgy? Do you notice yourself having the realization that they’re really funny as they’re telling a story about their useless coworker? Share these things as they’re coming up! It’s a bad feeling to walk away from a date having no idea whether the other person was into you at all, and a great feeling to walk away from a date knowing it went well. Expressing interest or attraction directly and in person is a great way to accomplish this!
It’s also important to be direct and honest about stuff that may be more challenging, even on a very first date. If you don’t align on whether you want kids, or what kind of relationship you’re looking for, it’s important to be upfront about it. This may sound obvious, but a very human instinct is to say what we think the other person wants to hear, or at least to hedge a little bit — this goes double if we think we could really like this person. As understandable as this impulse is, it’s very hard to get a relationship back on the right track if we’ve started it off with a foundation of misrepresentation.
Maybe the hardest — and most important — thing to be honest about is your feelings on the date. If you know you aren’t feeling it, or know you’re looking for something different, it’s helpful to just say so. While it may feel harsh to send a message saying you’re not interested, think about how much harsher it would be to continue seeing them for several more dates and then gradually fade out or ghost them, leaving them confused and hurt. You can even develop a script to use: “Thanks for meeting last night, I had a great time! After having had some time to think about it, I don’t think I feel a romantic connection/we’re looking for the same things, but I really appreciated getting to know you and wish you the best.” You can even offer to be platonic friends, as long as you genuinely mean it!
Recommended Books:
121 First Dates: How to Succeed at Online Dating, Fall in Love, and Live Happily Ever After (Really!)
The First Date Fix : How to have great first dates!
First Date Next Mate: Perspectives in Dating the “Next” Time Around
For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:
How to Date a Queer Person Who’s Not Out Yet
5 Fun and Interesting Lesbian First Date Ideas
3 Common Dating Dealbreakers That Shouldn’t Be
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