In many ways, it’s a more encouraging time than ever before when it comes to HIV — new drug treatments offer potentially astounding levels of protection against HIV infection, and new avenues towards a cure are being explored actively. At the same time, over a million people in the US are still living with HIV. On National Gay Men’s HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, here’s what to know about dating and being HIV positive.

Educate yourself (and maybe your dates)

If you’re not HIV-positive and your familiarity with HIV dates mostly back to the 80s or 90s or even early 2000s, you may be missing important context for the current status of living with this disease. Here’s a few important things to know:

• Having HIV is no longer a “death sentence;” drug therapy and treatment mean that people with HIV live long, healthy lives. 
• In addition to offering HIV-positive people good day-to-day health, antiviral treatment for HIV makes it less transmissible, or even prevents transmission entirely.
• Despite facing a radically different and better set of prospects than people who contracted HIV decades ago, HIV-positive people still face stigma and discrimination as well as higher risk for some illnesses and medical challenges. Severe illnesses and opportunistic infections due to HIV are much less common today thanks to effective treatment.

This means that it’s entirely possible to date and have sex with an HIV-positive person without contracting HIV — and to be able to plan for a life together long-term. It doesn’t mean HIV will have zero impact on their life (and yours by association), but if you’re nervous about navigating HIV status, communicating with your date about how it actually shows up in their life and their partners’ may alleviate your fears.

If you’re an HIV-positive person, it’s also important to educate yourself on how HIV positivity impacts you and your dating life. You may already know that effective antiviral treatment can reduce your viral load to undetectable levels. A small number of people aren’t able to get their viral load to undetectable levels even with antivirals, but barrier methods remain a great safer sex option. 

Fewer people know that some US states have disclosure laws that criminalize people with HIV; it may be illegal where you live to have sex with a new partner without disclosing your HIV status. While disclosure is a personal and sensitive issue, you may be at risk for legal action in some states if you choose not to disclose right away. You can use the Center for HIV Law and Prevention’s search tool to find any HIV criminalization laws in your state.

Talk about your risk profiles and preferences

In any sexual relationship — even if both partners are HIV-negative — you should be making a point of talking about your risk profiles and preferences. There’s no zero-risk sex and no zero-risk relationships; whether it’s emotional, psychological or physical. It’s important to have conversations about what will minimize risks of all kind for both of you, but whether it’s about HIV or other concerns, understand that the risk will always remain. 

That said, there’s plenty you can adjust and manage to tweak your risk profile. When were you both last tested for STIs? What safer sex practices are important to you? What level of risk is acceptable to you? Are either of you on PReP, or would you like to be? Are you monogamous or not? If you’re non monogamous, what precautions are you taking with other partners?

It’s important for HIV-negative partners to remember that HIV is only one type of risk. You’re also responsible for testing and mindfulness of the ways your health or lifestyle choices might put your partner or relationship at risk. It’s also important to remember that assumptions are dangerous — someone who knows they’re positive and takes action to prevent infecting others is in many ways safer than someone who assumes they’re negative but doesn’t test regularly.

Maintaining ongoing HIV awareness

If you’re dating someone HIV positive, the point of disclosure may feel like a big moment (and it is!). The rest of your life shared with someone HIV positive after that moment may feel like business as usual, at least business as usual with a chronic illness. 

This is great, in that it indicates you aren’t sensationalizing and unduly stigmatizing their illness. However, it’s also important to make space for the real and ongoing impacts that HIV may have on both your partner’s life and your relationship by association, working actively to support them in the challenges they may face that someone HIV-negative wouldn’t. 

As an example, many HIV-positive people face significant stigma in their workplace or home life, and may have to make difficult decisions about whether to disclose in other areas of your life. I encourage having conversations about what level of privacy and discretion feels good to them, what level of openness they’re comfortable with you having elsewhere in their life, and how you can support them in maintaining this boundary. If they do experience stigma or discrimination based on their HIV status, be mindful of how you can show up as a partner during this experience.

Recommended Books:

Love in the Time of HIV: The Gay Man’s Guide to Sex, Dating, and Relationships

Life, Love, and HIV: A Memoir

Living Well with HIV & AIDS

 

For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:

Dating as a Chronically Ill Person

3 Common Dating Dealbreakers That Shouldn’t Be

Getting Comfortable With Rejection

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