If you’ve been on the lesbian dating scene for a while, the thought of hearing “do you want to grab coffee or a cocktail?” might trigger your fight-or-flight response. Not because this is an inherently bad activity, or because you don’t want to go on another first date, but because you’ve already done the same get-to-know-you small talk for 90 minutes over a beverage so many times at this point. It’s a uniquely tedious experience to show up to a date centered entirely around chatting and realize in the first five minutes that this isn’t a person you’ll enjoy chatting with.
What’s to be done about this quandary? Instead of pulling back on dating, try reimagining your dates. The ideal first date is something you’d enjoy doing on your own, regardless of the quality of the company; and something that will be even more enjoyable if it turns out the company is great. Here are five (plus a bonus!) lesbian first date ideas to bring the joy and enthusiasm back to your dating life.
1. Go thrifting or antiquing
Spending time browsing through the ephemera of other people’s stories and lives can be a surprisingly great way to share some of your own — thrifting or antiquing can be a revealing (and fun!) way to get to know someone (and maybe find a lamp for that dark corner of your living room). What is your date shopping for? Are they drawn to the leather jackets or the soft single-stitch t-shirts? Do they share your delight at the vintage fruit basket shaped like a fish?
Browsing antiques can be a highly social activity, riffing off of the quirky finds you make; or if conversation isn’t flowing, can be a mellow way to spend time together quietly. And if things work out in the long term, you both might have some adorable finds that you’ll forever link with the beginning of your relationship.
2. Do a craft or activity together
We often aim to bond with new people by doing a lot of personal sharing. While it can feel super satisfying to get someone’s whole life story over coffee (if it’s a good life story), in actuality, we often form stronger and faster bonds with someone through working side by side on a shared challenge.
A “challenge” doesn’t need to be anything intimidating — it can be the fulfilling struggle of figuring out how to throw pottery on a wheel for the first time, or navigating a particularly ambitious stunt mini golf course. Are there new hobbies, crafts, low-key sports, or pastimes you’ve been interested in trying out? A night at a ceramics studio or a Spanish language conversation night can put you both on the same team with figuring out a new experience, and help any nascent connection grow even faster.
3. Visit someplace in your city you’ve never seen before
Many of us live in places with truly delightful tourist attractions or fascinating historical sites we’ve never seen, simply because we live here and aren’t tourists. Rather than bringing your date to an old haunt you know well, it can be refreshing and fun to pick something you’re both seeing with fresh eyes — and renew your appreciation for the place you live, regardless of how the date goes.
Try checking out resources like Roadside America or Atlas Obscura‘s guides to hidden places to find someplace novel, intriguing, and fascinating to check out together. In addition to a fun time, you can impress your date with your knowledge and originality, plus your willingness to try things off the beaten path.
4. Check out a museum or bookstore
A bookstore or museum date offers you a ton of flexibility in how you want the date to go, as well as offering something truly fulfilling regardless of the company of your date. If you or your date are in a contemplative mood, it’s easy to spend time together browsing quietly and soak up the other person’s vibe without feeling pressure to share a ton of personal information or make meaningless small talk.
On the other hand, it also offers a lot of points of possible insight into the other person (perhaps most importantly, whether they share an interest in art/history/books). Do they have interesting thoughts on the exhibits around you? Are you intrigued by the titles they pick out, and want to hear more about why they chose them? If the date is going well and you’re feeling connected, it’s easy to extend into grabbing coffee to talk more about what you’ve discovered about each other; if not, easy to part ways amicably after an enjoyable afternoon at the museum.
5. Try a karaoke night
Karaoke checks off a surprising number of the boxes that define the early stages of dating: fun, risk, adrenaline, and vulnerability. Whether it’s an open bar karaoke night or a booked private room or the two of you (or friends!), trying out karaoke together will set the tone for your potential relationship and showcase your emotional toolbox as you practice taking small emotional risks (performing a Chappell Roan song you may not actually have the range for) and supporting each other through them.
A great way to get close quickly is to feel like you’re on the same team together within a larger dynamic — choosing your karaoke duet and lightly ribbing the other singers is a great way to hit this note right away.
BONUS: Dog walk/park date
If you (or your date) are a devoted dog parent, then having your pup approve of a partner is paramount. If you’re both dog owners, it’s good to know at the outset whether your pets will get along or not. Heading to the dog park together — or taking a structured, leashed walk together — provides a fun activity with something easy to talk about, and lets you both gain crucial info about the other person. Watching how someone interacts with a creature under their care tells you a lot about their character, and if your date and your dog hit it off, that might be a good sign that you two will, too.
Recommended Books:
Better Small Talk: Talk to Anyone, Avoid Awkwardness, Generate Deep Conversations, and Make Real Friends (How to be More Likable and Charismatic Book 5)
121 First Dates: How to Succeed at Online Dating, Fall in Love, and Live Happily Ever After (Really!)
The First Date Fix : How to have great first dates!
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