Whether it’s making tearful plans to meet for coffee, five-hour-long processing conversations, or stalking someone’s social media and internet presence compulsively, many of us have found ourselves fixated on how to “get closure” after things end with a partner. We may be disoriented after a breakup that seemed to come out of nowhere, or feel like big questions of the relationship were left unresolved. What’s the best way to approach this desire for understanding and closure after a bad breakup?
What does “closure” mean?
Often, when we talk about wanting “closure” from a relationship that’s ended, we’re coming from a place of confusion, disorientation, loss and distress. According to a professor of interpersonal communication, “closure ultimately is an understanding and acceptance that a relationship has ended and often includes a rationale for why it ended.” We may be fixated on the idea of closure when a relationship ended for reasons that don’t feel clear to us, or when a breakup seemed to come out of nowhere.
Maybe a partner broke up with us for reasons that we find hard to believe, or even ghosted us. The desire for closure usually speaks to the desire to understand what “really” happened, or why we’re in the position we’re in — a sense that we’ll be able to accept this change better if we have more, or more accurate, information. Occasionally, our desire for closure is based in something we feel a need to share — a grievance to air or final words about how unfairly you were treated that you want your former partner to hear, even if they aren’t going to address your feelings.
When we talk about “closure,” we’re usually imagining a process that will somehow make it easier to move on from a painful and difficult experience that feels senseless. There are a lot of contexts in which this can be true — for instance, it can feel enormously helpful to get a medical diagnosis that explains challenging symptoms you’ve been experiencing, even if it doesn’t necessarily mean the symptoms will be relieved. There are some contexts, though, where more information won’t alleviate the pain we’re in — sometimes there is no new knowledge that will make the reality of the situation more bearable. It’s very common and human to pursue some form of closure — but it’s important to be prepared for this eventuality if you do choose to do so.
Do you need to talk to your ex directly to get closure?
Maybe the most popular shared imagination of “getting closure” involves a direct conversation. Your ex agrees to meet, maybe in a neutral or public place over coffee; you get to ask them questions or share your experience of events face to face. In the fantasy, they answer your questions freely and transparently; maybe they confirm long-held anxieties in a way that makes you feel less crazy, like admitting that they really did have the hots for their coworker the whole time. Or maybe they manage to alleviate your anxieties, and tell you that the breakup was a result of their own failings and personal frailties, that they’re going to join a celibate religious order to work on themselves and that there was nothing you could have done.
Of course, while these things are certainly possible, it’s not necessarily likely you’ll hear any of them. It’s not guaranteed that you’ll be able to have a conversation at all. If your ex does agree to sit down and talk with you, either a week or six months or years after your breakup, they could just as easily be defensive, evasive, or accusatory in ways that will make you feel worse. Maybe you want an apology, and your ex may refuse to give you one. There’s no guarantee that they’ll actually have anything different to offer than they did during the breakup itself (especially if you’re having this conversation in the weeks immediately following). It’s entirely possible your ex could say something in your “closure” conversation that will leave you feeling worse than you started out.
Sometimes, the other person may genuinely not have (or be able to articulate) the information you want — maybe you’re convinced they broke up with you because of unresolved issues about their mother, and just want to hear them admit this, but the reality is they may go their whole life without reckoning with those psychological realities.
This isn’t to dissuade you from reaching out to your ex, but to suggest you get clear with yourself about what you want from it, and how likely that is to happen. What could your ex say that would genuinely be helpful to you? What will the impact be for you if they don’t say it, and how will you deal with that? What if something about the interaction is genuinely hurtful or upsetting — or the information you’re hoping to get just doesn’t exist? Is it enough for you to say something to them and witness them having to hear it? Working to really understand your motivations and what you’re looking for as far as “closure” can help clarify what will help you most.
What’s preventing you from feeling closure or acceptance now? Is there any way to address it on your own?
How moving on really works
We tend to imagine breakups as a singular, discrete emotional event that you move through relatively quickly and “get over.” In reality, especially for significant relationships or relationships that brought up a lot emotionally, the experience might be more similar to what we know as loss or grief. A major part of our life has changed, in irreversible ways that were out of our control; an important person and the part of our life we shared with them is no longer present in the same way.
If we were grieving something like the loss of a loved one, we wouldn’t necessarily expect ourselves to be able to “move on” entirely, and we probably wouldn’t expect understanding it better to make our pain go away. (At least I hope not!). While it’s totally normal to want to fully understand every aspect of the painful experience you went through, understanding the process of grieving loss is gradual and natural may help you let go of the idea that you should be “over” your breakup already and could get there if you only had all the info. When you think back about the difficult experiences you have been able to move on from, in most of them you likely didn’t come by a new revelation or secret knowledge that recontextualized it; you likely brought a new perspective on your own thanks to the growth and change you’d experienced over time. It’s not impossible to experience closure after a bad breakup, but it may be a result of living your own life until it doesn’t have a hold on you, not anything your ex can give you.
Recommended Books:
Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart
The Breakup Bible: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce
Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss Into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You
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