Social media has been rife with updates from people working to enter their “healed girl era” or committing to only dating “healed” people going forward. Even if you’re not part of the microgeneration these trends originate with, it may sound familiar — like the familiar “if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love someone else.” This sentiment resonates powerfully with a common desire to fix ourselves, as if entering some kind of emotional psychological boot camp that will mean we’re ready for the relationship we want. But is this realistic, or even desirable?

What does it mean to be “healed” exactly?

If you’ve struggled with anything that tends to make people feel like there’s something “wrong” with them that needs to be “fixed” — mental illness, trauma, lasting impacts of purity culture, baggage from previous toxic relationships — you may have found it’s easy to fall into black and white thinking about how damaged you are relative to basically everyone else. 

Other people have an easy time in relationships with themselves and others, we assume; they cruise through life’s difficulties with equanimity and bounce back from setbacks with resilience and ease. Their family relationships are basically fulfilling and marked only by minor friction; their lives thus far have been more or less kind and to the degree that they haven’t, they’ve transcended those experiences with grace and are no longer impacted by them in any meaningful way. 

We imagine ourselves, on the other hand, to be uniquely flawed and struggling; our challenges feel shameful and indicative of fundamental shortcomings as people. It’s hard to imagine that anyone could be accepting or even nonplussed by our issues, needs or baggage. If we’re disabled or chronically ill, we may imagine that we need to be healthy or healthier before we “qualify” for a relationship, a state that’s out of reach for many people. 

Of course, things aren’t this black and white! There aren’t two distinct groups of people who are either a mess or totally fine; pretty much all of us are both at any given time. The magically well person we imagine as our counterpart doesn’t exist; there is virtually no one who hasn’t been shaped in major ways by difficulty, pain, illness or trauma. And while there are many ways to move through difficult experiences to recover and grow from them, they’re never really gone; we’re always shaped by what we’ve lived through. There isn’t a final, singular end stage where any of us are “fixed” and perfectly positioned for life — especially since life keeps happening to us in the meantime! Trying to wait til you’ve reached the point of finally being “healed” to really pursue connection may mean you’re waiting for the rest of your life.

We’re harmed in connection and heal in connection

Especially when we feel hurt or damaged by an intimate relationship of some kind — a partner, a parent, a close friend — it’s normal to feel the instinct to isolate and lick our wounds somewhat privately. This is totally appropriate, up to a point. But sometimes this can evolve into an urge to stay isolated or avoid important relationships until you’ve somehow made yourself invulnerable to experiencing harm again, which is a problem as that’s not a realistic goal. 

It’s also ultimately counterproductive; not only is it not realistic to fix ourselves completely before getting back out there, but it actually isn’t possible to heal relational wounds in isolation. When you get a major physical injury, the treatment usually includes a period of total rest — but crucially, a period of moderate use of your body and maybe even specific physical therapy exercises (that might be really challenging, or feel uncomfortable) for the body to actually heal rather than just experience less pain. 

Similarly, we need to actually use our injured relational muscles in connection with other people for them to get better; the corrective for relationships with other people that turned out to be harmful isn’t isolation, but healthy relationships that can help overwrite some of the experiences we’ve had. As attachment and trauma expert Dr. Diane Poole Heller writes,

“We are not capable of healing in isolation. We need other people. We are hurt in relationship and we heal in relationship. Our brain and nervous system are not isolated, but interconnected and social. At our core, we are social beings who regulate through connection with others. Being comfortable in your own skin and having tools that help you relax is a really big deal, but learning how to feel safe with others is revolutionary.”

Dating while working on yourself

If you aren’t supposed to wall yourself away from human connection while working on your baggage, how are you supposed to date or relate to people in a healthy way even knowing that you’re a work in progress? It sounds daunting (and in some ways is!), but on the other hand, it’s also the same task everyone you’re dating is engaged in. Here are some things to keep in mind:

• There are advantages to being transparently a little messy in relationships; it may mean you end up in more authentic relationships as a result.
• You can name and explain anything coming up for you to your date or partner without obligating them to fix it or manage it for you; for instance, being upfront about the fact that you’re working on attachment stuff and what actions you’re taking without making any big asks of them. 
• It’s always a good idea to lean on a broad network of support if possible; reach out to your friends or even family to talk with them about what you’re working through and how it may be impacting your relationship(s).

And of course, always a good idea to take on the support of a qualified therapist or counselor if possible.

Recommended Books:

The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships

How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self

What It Takes to Heal: How Transforming Ourselves Can Change the World

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