As the days get darker in the Northern Hemisphere, we enter the gauntlet of the holidays: a period that feels frenetic and also like it lasts forever. In some ways, this is a time of connection and joy for many of us; in others, it’s extremely stressful. It can also feel like a kind of trial by fire for relationships, especially if you’re planning on bringing someone home for the holidays or introducing them to family. Here’s what I recommend in order to set your relationship up for success this holiday season.
Be gentle with each other
The holidays are an intense and complicated time for many of us, especially queer people. Even for those of us who spend the holidays with loving family or friends and have no complex history with this time of year or our family of origin, the season can be exhausting (and, in the Northern Hemisphere, dark and cold).
For many of us, the holidays are a kind of smorgasbord of challenging and triggering experiences. Interfacing with difficult, traumatizing or homophobic family; confronting celebrations centered around food despite eating disorder history; navigating copious amounts of alcohol at parties or dinners while in recovery; dealing with gendered and relational expectations as queer and trans people at social gatherings, and potentially bringing home queer partners — and that’s before even getting into travel or juggling work schedules. If we aren’t spending the holidays with others, because we can’t or choose not to, that also opens up its own emotional minefields. For some of us, holidays are potent grief anniversaries or reminders of people we’ve lost.
You and your partner likely can’t fix all of these issues single-handedly, but what you can do is choose from the outset to be kind to each other and make these experiences as bearable as possible. Talk ahead of time if possible about what you find difficult about this time of year, so you can be sensitive to the other person’s needs. Ask if there are ways you can support each other, whether you’re spending the holidays together or not. And try to grant each other the benefit of the doubt as much as possible; while it’s nice to imagine the holidays as a dreamy Hallmark period of romance and togetherness, many of us might actually have a very short fuse, and a little patience goes a long way.
Get on the same page about family and travel
Even for couples who have been together for 20 years, negotiating who spends which holiday where can be very challenging. For newer or less established couples, it can feel extremely daunting.
There’s no magic bullet to deciding what to do about family obligations during the holidays. No matter what you choose or how you choose it, it’s entirely possible someone will feel hurt or slighted or left out, someone will feel resentful at having to spend time with people they don’t like, and everyone will feel tired.
That said, it’s still important to prioritize actual safety, both physically and emotionally. Especially for people of color and queer & trans people, some family gatherings aren’t safe to attend; don’t expect your partner to attend a social event with people who may be harassing or violent toward them. (You may also think about whether you want to share space with these family members or friends.) Similarly, if your family home is more than just toxic, but abusive, it’s more than fair to rethink whether you actually want to spend the holidays there.
With all this in mind, the best plan for dividing up family time for the holidays is whatever you and your partner can agree on. If you can, any corners you can cut or ways you can make the experience a little easier on each other will be welcome — agreeing to a longer drive if your partner is afraid of flying, or spending extra to stay in a hotel rather than with family 24/7 might be ideas to try. If you’re hosting family for the holidays, especially if you and your partner live together, talk seriously about boundaries you’re going to uphold while family is in town, and commit to having each other’s backs as a united front.
Plan some intentional (re)connection
Especially for those of us with larger or geographically distant families, holidays can often be a time of obligation with a lot of time commitments. For some of us, especially in service industries, the holidays aren’t a time of rest and relaxation at all, but the busiest work periods of the year. And all of us have good reason to be at something of a low ebb during these short days and dark nights.
It’s possible you and your partner have no other major obligations, and are free to spend the holidays curled up by the fire together, kissing under mistletoe, or baking challah together. It’s a great idea to use this time to build some of your own holiday traditions together, even if they’re small. But if you’re pulled in different directions this holiday season, try to find some time and space to be intentional with each other outside the holiday hustle, even if it’s a single night to yourselves or a New Year’s Day brunch. The holidays aren’t inherently a time of effortless magic and connection, but making the effort to connect with your partner even when a lot is going on can make all the difference.
Recommended Books:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships
Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself
For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:
Tips for Navigating Family Holidays
How to Prioritize Your Mental Health in a Lesbian Relationship
How to Set Boundaries that Actually Work
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