Most of us are always anxious to be the best sexual & romantic partners we can be: we want to prioritize enthusiastic consent, make sure we’re satisfying our partner, and for them to be enjoying every aspect of their time with us. That’s why aftercare is so important; it shows an active commitment to making sure your partner’s emotional and physical needs are met, and extending your care for them beyond just having sex. If you’re doing any kind of play with power dynamics, aftercare is crucial to understand — but even if you’re not, it’s always good to understand more ways of showing up for your partners.

What is aftercare?

“Aftercare” usually refers to the intentional ritual of caretaking, affirming actions for someone after sex, designed to make them feel connected, safe, secure, respected and cared for. Aftercare is often referenced in a BDSM context, where the main sexual activities may have had more intentionally challenging overtones.

Aftercare helps reset the connection and facilitate both partners leaving their “personas” behind and reconnecting as equals and/or loving partners — maybe the bottom in a relationship was just enthusiastically and consensually degraded or humiliated for hours, and then during aftercare is affirmed by their top as a strong, lovable person that the top admires and cares for.

It’s a good idea to discuss aftercare as part of negotiating desires and interests with a new sex partner, especially if any kind of kink is on the table. Hearing what people find helpful or valuable in aftercare, and setting expectations for what aftercare should look like for you, can help set you both up for success and a great date.

Who is aftercare for?

Traditionally, and especially in a kink context, aftercare is imagined to be something a top does for a bottom: a way of bringing them back to earth a bit, comforting them through any intense feelings that may have come up for them, and reaffirming the respect and care they feel for their bottom outside of the scene space.

That said, it’s important to remember that sex and kink are intense, demanding and in some circumstances can be triggering for tops and dominants too. It’s helpful to discuss what forms of aftercare might feel good to the top in your dynamic as well, even if it’s just cuddling and positive feedback on the experience you just had.

Physical aftercare

Especially after intense and/or extended sex, it can be helpful for both parties to have some physical aftercare planned. Your electrolytes and blood sugar may be low after several hours of sexual activity; it’s a good idea to have snacks with protein and fiber on hand if possible, plenty of water, and maybe fruit or a special dessert as a treat.

Think about other physical needs you may need met as well; having warm blankets to wrap yourself and your date in or a fuzzy robe often feels good, or adjusting the heat/AC in the building to make you more comfortable. For some people, a massage or taking a shower together feels like a great way to reconnect and bring your body back to baseline. If you’ve done any impact play that may have left marks, bruises, or welts, aftercare can also look like applying balm or ointment.

Emotional aftercare

Sex often brings up strong emotions, and kink even more so; even (or especially) when the experience is a good one. Many people are chipper and happy-go-lucky after a scene ends, but may also be occasionally surprised by feeling sad, ashamed, or very small and vulnerable. These feelings may or may not be a result of what just took place, and can often be old feelings about a different situation coming up unexpectedly.

Regardless, good emotional aftercare looks like staying with your date’s emotions and allowing them to play out with support and care. This doesn’t have to look like counseling; it can mean rubbing your date’s back and agreeing to hold them while they cry, or giving them space if physical touch feels too intense for them right now and instead making them a chamomile tea.

When something goes wrong

In a perfect world, aftercare is the glowy, connective time after a great time in bed that everyone enjoyed to the fullest. But inevitably, there will be a point at which something during sex goes wrong. Even if you hew towards the most vanilla sex possible with a single, long-term partner you’re in a stable relationship with, eventually someone will say or do the wrong thing in bed on a day when their partner is struggling, or something that’s always been pleasurable will suddenly feel less so, or a miscommunication will mean someone does something the other person didn’t want. If you’re having more casual sex or higher-risk sex, like intense kink or BDSM scenes, there’s additional possibilities for misunderstandings, mishaps or activities that sounded good in theory but don’t feel as good in practice.

In these instances, aftercare takes on another valence, and requires a different set of skills. If someone is hurt, upset or triggered during sex, it’s often best to stop immediately and move into aftercare: finding ways to make the other person feel safe and secure, whether that means putting clothes back on, wrapping someone in a blanket, getting them rescue meds, or listening to them while they talk about what just happened.

If a discussion about what just happened comes up, it may be best to approach it more delicately and less functionally than you would in other circumstances. If someone was accidentally harmed, had an experience of something not feeling good, or if there was a miscommunication about consent, it can feel very upsetting and accusatory; you may feel inundated with extreme shame or defensive about your intentions. Even if your feelings are based in reality, aftercare probably isn’t the time to raise them; try to focus on making your partner feel safe and hearing them out for now, and in 24 hours or so when you’ve both had a chance to regulate, you can have a full conversation about it. (And remember, tops can be triggered or have their consent violated too!)

Recommended Books:

Playing Well with Others

The New Topping Book

The New Bottoming Book

 

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