We’re always hoping for big sparks and romantic swells of music marking the moment we found our soulmate when we go on a first date — but sometimes, that’s not the case. Sometimes, we have to settle for a perfectly tolerable — or even pretty boring — time. We’re faced with one of the most odious tasks of modern dating: letting our first date know that we aren’t interested. While this is never fun, here’s what I recommend for making it as painless as possible.

What not to do

It may be tempting to let your response to an underwhelming first date be… nothing. After all, if you had a middling time, they probably did too — if they haven’t texted the next day, do you really need to?

It’s certainly true that ignoring your date after meeting them will send the message you aren’t interested — unless it instead sends the message that you’re too busy to reply, or have lost your phone, or had a personal crisis, or somehow deleted the match. It may not technically meet the definition of ghosting, where you have an established dynamic and then disappear from it. But the reality is that leaving someone hanging after a first date has the potential to leave them in a perpetual state of confusion and wondering, which isn’t a kind or respectful way to approach dating.

It may also be tempting, by the same token, to avoid the plain truth that you aren’t interested and make up another reason. It’s really busy at work, something has come up, you realized you actually aren’t ready to date right now, so on and so forth. This has the potential to backfire — what if this same person sees you out on a date with someone else next week? They still have the discomfort of being rejected while also feeling the frustration of knowing they’ve been lied to. This approach also makes the assumption that the other person will be deeply hurt or distressed by our rejection, when in reality they a) are likely a resilient person and b) may not actually feel our regard is all that important to them. Usually, we’re really prioritizing our own discomfort over being the “bad guy” than the other person’s imagined pain — better to be honest and build some resilience to that discomfort.

It’s also a bad idea to communicate your disinterest by simply unmatching someone on a dating app — unless they’ve done or said something harmful during your date such that you don’t want any further interaction with them on that basis, they deserve a sentence or two of explanation.

Be prompt

Once you’ve decided to be clear and direct with your date you aren’t interested in, it’s best to take care of the communication as soon as possible. This lets your date know what they can expect from you without being stuck in limbo, it gets the item off your plate and over with before you can equivocate and put it off, and it also prevents the undesirable scenario where a date you know you aren’t interested in texts you enthusiastically about scheduling another date, and you have to respond to them with your disinterest.

It’s best to text someone with the news you don’t want to keep seeing them within 24 hours, or even the same night if possible. It doesn’t need to be a long, drawn-out conversation — and if you have some language ready at hand for this situation, it lightens the load of having to craft a tactful message.

Be clear

As Brené Brown likes to say, clear is kind. It can often feel like we’re helping keep the situation civil or being compassionate by eliding the sharper edges of what we mean to say, but letting someone else persist in confusion or misapprehension only serves to protect ourselves from momentary discomfort, and is actually actively unkind to the other person.

That said, this doesn’t mean loading your message with everything this person did wrong, why you find them unattractive, or all the reasons you know you won’t work out. Your goal isn’t to give them a performance review or litigate your potential connection — your job is just to let them know what they can expect from you, which in this case is that you won’t be dating them. Some examples of texts you shouldn’t send:

• I really didn’t like the way you ordered for both of us at dinner, so I won’t be seeing you again.
• I enjoyed meeting you but I’ve thought about it and I just don’t think you’re my type; I’m mostly attracted to people more femme than you are.
• You’re really nice but I just didn’t feel any chemistry with you — we can be friends if you want though.

It’s perfectly possible to be clear about where you’re at with the connection without making any sweeping statements about your date. Here’s a solid template to work from:

Thanks for meeting last night, I really enjoyed [specific characteristic or anecdote about your date]. Having had some time to think, I don’t think I feel a romantic connection here, but am glad I met you and wish you the best!

Be kind (without overcommitting)

It’s tempting to end a message like the one above with something like “but I’d love to be friends!”. This is perfectly okay to say — many great friendships have blossomed from dates where people felt compatibility in values and personality but no sexual or romantic chemistry. However, if it’s something to say just as a tic or a way to end a message — or to assuage our own guilt about letting someone down — then it gets into the same disingenuous territory as telling someone things are “just really crazy at work right now.”

Do you really want to pursue an active friendship with this person? Are you willing to put the work into initiating plans with them and cultivating a rapport? If not, it’s okay not to offer friendship as an option. If you have a baseline positive level of regard for this person and would be happy to be in community with them, it’s also okay to say something like “I would love to say hi if we see each other around!”

Recommended Books:

Just Send the Text

The Modern Dating Workbook

Dating Without Fear: Overcome Social Anxiety and Connect

 

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