You know communication is important — even for casual partners. You want to be on the same page with someone before you start a new sexual relationship, whether it’s casual or could be something more serious. But how to have the conversation? Do you need to interrogate them like a job interview?
The dialogue you have with a new sex partner doesn’t need to be stilted or formal. You can have a quick check-in in the car on the way to your place, or while making out, or even while having sex. Here are some questions to ask to set you and your new date up for success quickly and painlessly:
Questions to ask your partner about sex or hooking up in general
Is there anything you definitely want to do/try?
Maybe anything’s on the table and you and your partner both want to see where things go — or maybe oral sex is your new partner’s favorite thing and is non-negotiable to them as foreplay (or even the main draw of having sex).
Is there anything you definitely don’t want to do/try?
Many of us have things we know we aren’t interested in, either because we find them triggering or unpleasant or just because they don’t do anything for us. It’s entirely possible something you think of as routine and objectively enjoyable is something your partner doesn’t want to do — it pays to ask!
Are there any medical conditions or physical accommodation needs I should know about?
It can be difficult and vulnerable to bring up medical or disability-related needs — and many disabilities or medical conditions may be “invisible,” not something necessarily legible from having a drink with someone on a first date. Someone might easily live with pelvic floor issues, vaginismus, chronic pain, or another invisible disability, and knowing how to accommodate it during sex will be invaluable. (If someone does have a visible disability, like using a wheelchair, they will likely appreciate you being direct and upfront in asking how you can accommodate them!)
Are there any body parts you don’t want me to touch?
From past sexual trauma to just being really ticklish, there might well be places you could run your hands that will totally ruin the vibe of your evening. Some people, like stone tops, may not want to be touched at all. Set yourself and your date up for success by knowing about this ahead of time!
Is there any language you do or don’t want me to use for your body?
Both cis and trans people often have strong feelings about the words used to describe their bodies — some people exclusively call their genitalia their pussy while others find the word indescribably rude. (And of course, some people couldn’t care less about verbiage one way or another.) It can be tough to get back in the flow of things after pausing to stumble over the right terminology in the moment — especially if you get it wrong.
Can you show me how you like someone to touch you?
No matter how experienced you are, it’s impossible to read minds — everyone’s body is different, and the first time having sex with a new partner necessarily involves a little trial and error as you both figure out what the other person likes. You can skip right past a lot of the trial and error if you can be vulnerable enough to ask for a demonstration directly — have your partner show you how they masturbate or move your hand in the way they like best.
Questions to ask your partner about kink & power dynamics
Do you want to top, bottom or switch?
If particular queer sexual dynamics are important to you, it’s possible you’ve already scoped out your new partner with exactly this in mind. Not always, though; it’s not unheard of for two people to really hit it off over three drinks dates before finally discovering they’re both bottoms. It’s never a bad idea to just ask! This also helps you avoid falling back on overly broad stereotypes — it’s entirely possible you finally get that hot, buff butch in their leather jacket home only to find they’re a strict bottom. Having an upfront conversation is the best way to avoid making assumptions.
What kind of kink activities are you most interested in?
Some people are crazy about impact but hate the idea of being tied up; some people want to be suspended in rope but not experience any pain. Some people want basically entirely vanilla sex but only within a roleplayed power dynamic. If you’re going to get into anything in the neighborhood of BDSM, it’s important to have a really concrete and specific conversation about what you want to do and what you don’t.
What about those activities feels good to you?
While it’s definitely possible to have a satisfying encounter with someone just based on the knowledge of your shared sexual interests, sex is often way better if you both understand a little about why you like what you like, especially when it comes to kink. Someone who likes impact play because they get off on the idea of discipline and punishment is having a totally different experience than a masochist who likes impact because of the physical sensations of pain — it’s helpful to know the difference
Is there anything you definitely don’t want to do?
Whether you’re talking about kink or vanilla sex, it’s always helpful to establish everyone’s hard limits (including the top’s limits and boundaries! Being a top doesn’t mean you have to be down for everything).
Are you also interested in sex as part of BDSM play, or are those separate for you?
For many people, kink is part of — or foreplay to — more conventional sex involving penetration and/or orgasms. For others, they’re completely separate: they want to spank someone or be tied up and then go home, maybe even with all their clothes on. Obviously, determining what kind of experience both of you are signed up for is critical before you get anything started.
What does aftercare look like for you?
It’s not uncommon to experience BDSM scenes as intense on an emotional and psychological basis — many people benefit from extra gentle attention and care after a scene is over (including tops). It’s helpful to know a little about what that looks like for your partner so you can be prepared, and maybe have some preferred drinks or snacks on hand.
Recommended Books:
Getting It: A Guide to Hot, Healthy Hookups and Shame-Free Sex
Playing Well with Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and Bdsm Communities
Come as You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life
For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:
Getting Started with Impact Play
Do You Need a Yes/No/Maybe List?
What Kind of Desire Is Normal Early in a Relationship?
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