Safewords are a confusing topic — sometimes they’re treated as a punchline, sometimes deadly serious. When are you supposed to use a safeword, and how do you know when the kind of sex you’re having is “serious” enough to need one? Safewords and how to use them are both much less complicated than many people make them out to be — here’s what I recommend.
What’s a safeword?
A safeword is a special word, phrase or signal chosen between sexual partners that will stop all sexual activity immediately. It can function as an “escape hatch” from any activity that’s gotten too intense or doesn’t feel good anymore — or hit the pause button on an experience that’s gotten briefly overwhelming.
You may have heard jokes in TV or movies about picking absurd or silly words to use during a scene to make it clear something different and notable is happening. That can be an option, especially if it makes the word something easy to remember even when you’re distracted or overwhelmed. That said, many people’s safewords are something a little more accessible, or something that has some significance to the relationship.
How do you know if you need a safeword?
Usually, a safeword would be used in some kind of a kink or BDSM context — a situation where you might plausibly be expressing discomfort, pain or overwhelm but still want the experience to continue. For instance, in a vanilla sexual context, saying “ouch” or yelping would be grounds to immediately stop and check in; if you’re being spanked or hit, you might easily be yelping and crying out, or even crying “no,” but very much want to keep going. That’s why a special word that doesn’t sound like “ouch” or “no” and makes it clear something different is being expressed is important.
That said, many people still don’t see a need for safewords in their kink scenes — for many people, the type of play they do doesn’t really create any ambiguity around continued consent. There are a lot of ways to gleefully cry out in pain and communicate enthusiasm — or plenty of times when a “stop” or “I need a break” are still perfectly accessible in context.
For most people who play with power dynamics during sex, the most important application for safewords is playing with consensual non-consent. If you’re roleplaying a rape fantasy, for instance, it would be very normal to shout “no” or “stop” — while actually wanting what’s going on to continue. Agreeing on a safeword ahead of time — or having a standard one that remains consistent in an ongoing relationship — can help make it clear when a “no” is actually a “no” and when it’s a fun part of a roleplay.
Using the stoplight system
For many people, the way you see safewords depicted in media — a goofy “code word” that gets deployed when things get too heated — doesn’t totally make sense for their sex or play life. A popular system that many people use instead is colloquially called the “stoplight system,” or “green, yellow, red.”
As the name implies, the idea is that at any point, you and a partner can reference any of these colors to communicate succinctly how you’re feeling about what’s going on: you’d like it to keep going (green), you’d like it to slow down or be mindful of intensity (yellow), or you want it to stop right away (red). These can all function as kinds of safewords, as they’re not terms you’re likely to be throwing out organically during sex or a scene, and they’re both easy to remember and fairly universally understood by their intended meaning (at least in the US).
These stoplight colors don’t need to be used in any special or formal way; with a little practice, it’s easy to integrate them into your scenes conversationally. This could look like:
- Asking “how are you doing with this?” and being told “green”
- Gasping “yellow” when a spanking is right up against the edge of your tolerance and you don’t want it to stop, but don’t want it to get any more intense
- Saying “red” when you start to feel like you’re getting triggered in a scene and need to regroup
What should you do when someone safewords?
It can be surprising and a little disorienting when someone safewords or reds, especially when they seemed to be having a good time and want things to continue. The most important thing to do, of course, is to pause what you’re doing immediately, whether that’s a sex act, impact, or another sex or kink activity. If your partner who’s safeworded is restrained or in a constrained position, help them out of it as quickly and gently as possible.
After that, it’s important to follow your partner’s lead. People safeword for all kinds of reasons — it’s possible that your restrained partner had a terrible itch that was driving them crazy and feel good to go again as soon as it’s addressed, or it could be that they’re feeling emotionally or psychologically distressed and need significant attention and care. Depending on how they’re feeling and their mental/emotional state, some things to offer them could be:
- To be wrapped in a blanket or put clothes back on
- A glass of water or a snack to get their blood sugar up
- A hug or chance to cuddle
- Space to be alone with the door closed
- A chance to talk about what they’re feeling
- A light or uplifting distraction, like a favorite TV show or cartoon
- A different sex act of their choice
- A massage or grounding activity
What you shouldn’t do after someone safewords is spiral into guilt, panic or shame — or make it about yourself by excessively apologizing or repeating how bad you feel. It’s easy to feel like you’ve done something wrong or are a bad sex partner or top if your date needs to safeword, but in reality we all take on accountability for our own wellbeing with any kind of risky sex or play. Your job isn’t to mind-read about what someone’s limits or feelings are; your job is to be as mindful of limits as possible given the information you have available and change if you get new information, and stopping at someone’s safeword is doing exactly that. It’s possible your partner has some new knowledge about themselves or feedback that will help avoid this in the future, but that’s not the same thing as having done something wrong. If your partner feels you behaved inappropriately or caused harm, they can tell you that, but otherwise, it’s helpful to remember it’s not about you and focus on supporting your partner.
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The New Topping Book
The New Bottoming Book
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction
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