It’s completely natural to feel some dating anxiety. Putting yourself out there in pursuit of connection can feel vulnerable, uncertain, and overwhelming, making it even harder to take the first step. It seems unfair, then, that dating anxiety makes it even harder to do so.

If you’re ready to start dating but find that fear and self-doubt hold you back, you’re not alone. Whether you’re nervous about online dating in your 30s, feeling insecure after a past relationship, or struggling with rejection, understanding your anxiety is the first step toward overcoming it. Here’s how to navigate dating anxiety and build confidence in the process.

Do you have dating anxiety, or anxiety in general?

Is dating an area of unique stress and worry in your life? Maybe it’s based on a specific concern—like feeling inexperienced after having come out later in life, feeling gunshy after past toxic relationships, or concern about stigma, violence, or fetishization if you’re dating a fat, disabled, and/or trans person. Maybe you’re cool, calm, and collected in virtually every other circumstance—at work, school, or in social settings—but the idea of asking someone out, in particular, makes you break out in hives.

Or maybe you feel some anxiety in dating and the nervous system overwhelms you associated with dating in other situations as well—you worry deeply about being chastised by your boss even though they generally give you positive feedback, and you worry excessively about being fired from the blue, or you feel deeply stressed out by the idea of making new friends or reaching out to the ones you already have—what if they’re mad at you or you annoy them?

Suppose your anxiety about dating stems from a fear of dating itself, or you’re scared of dating again after a traumatic and painful experience. In that case, it can help to begin small – practicing social interaction, getting comfortable with meeting new people, and changing your mindset about dating. If you’re feeling nervous to date, it’s best to work with a therapist or counselor to determine the best way to proceed. They may recommend a specific approach or modality that works best for you when you’ve worked together to understand more about your anxiety or may refer you to a psychiatrist to explore medication.

Do you have dating anxiety or anxious attachment?

Anxiety and anxious attachment are, unsurprisingly, similar in some ways. Both may lead you to fixate on what could go wrong in dating or relationships and how you could try to prevent it; both may have you people-pleasing and worrying about being alone or experiencing rejection anxiety.

However, they aren’t the same thing—in fact, if your dating anxiety primarily centers around feeling “trapped,” suffocated, or that your date will move too fast too soon, you may have avoidant attachment. And most importantly, they have different solutions. Anxiety in dating is often rooted in your nervous systems and your oldest, most formative relational experiences; trying to manage it as simple dating anxiety won’t be helpful and may even be counterproductive.

If the things you’re primarily anxious about include:

• Whether your date is attracted to or seeing other people
• Liking your date more than they like you
• How do you compare to others for your date
• Worrying about when someone will call or text you
• Persistent fear of a date abandoning or breaking up with you
• How to make a date happy enough that they’ll want to be with you
• Constant desire for reassurance that your date likes or is attracted to you

Then it may be worth looking into your attachment style more deeply and exploring how it’s impacting your approach to relationships. If you often feel anxiety over a new relationship, a fear of dating, or a fear of getting into a relationship, it may not just be nerves—it could be an underlying pattern of anxious attachment.

What story are you telling yourself about dating and romance?

If neither of the above applies to you (or even if they do!) and you’re facing pure, unadulterated panic every time you open a dating app or think about texting the cute girl you met at the Superbowl watch party, it might be helpful to unpack what your dating anxiety is telling you. 

What are your internal thoughts and beliefs about dating that feel so high stakes? What does dating represent to you, consciously or unconsciously? For instance, it’s common for us to feel like dating is a referendum on our attractiveness, and that the reaction of any given person to us speaks to whether or not anyone will ever find us appealing. Or you may feel like dating is causing you to dwell on your worth or value as a person or partner, and like not having the dating outcome you want means you have nothing to offer. Dating can involve the fears and anxieties of a lot of other parts of our lives, as well — being on the apps may make you feel like you’re the only single person over 30 on earth, and that you’re the only one still single at your age. 

Start to work on noticing these thoughts as they come up, and slow down to pay attention to what they contain. Are you worried about your desirability? Your future? Your social standing? Being ashamed or embarrassed? Getting into another bad relationship or having a partner break your trust? Noticing this won’t make the anxieties go away overnight, but it will make it easier and less overwhelming to work with them.

How can you shift your goals and priorities?

Often, we have big anxieties about selfhood or the future when it comes to dating because dating has come to symbolize big things for us: our desirability, our goodness, and our ability to be okay. Cutting dating down into something more manageable can help the anxieties around it become more manageable, too. 

Think about what your goals and hopes are when it comes to dating — it’s likely that if you’re honest with yourself, they’re something like “find true love,” “meet the one,” “have the best sex of my life,” etc. These aren’t goals you should give up — you deserve true love and the best sex of your life! — but on a day-to-day basis, these can set us up for deep disappointment if any given dating situation doesn’t work out because we feel like we’re losing out on our chances for happiness. Also, most of these goals rely on factors that are way outside our control, which means we end up feeling helpless a lot of the time.

Instead, try making specific, manageable dating goals that are more about what you can take action on yourself and less about amorphous outcomes. For instance, you can’t go on dates if no one messages when you match on a dating app, so make it a goal to send the first message every time you match with someone. Instead of focusing all your energy on whether each new date is going to be The One, make it a goal to see as many new places or restaurants around town on dates as possible, so that you still accomplish something even if a date falls flat.

Most importantly, remember to focus on what you think of each date you meet and whether you like them — it’s easy to get wrapped up in whether we’re being liked or desired or performing well and forget to even check in with ourselves about whether we even like the person sitting across from us.

Practice makes perfect

As much as you may dread hearing it, the best way to get over dating anxiety is to go on as many dates as possible (and the best way to learn how to handle rejection is to shoot your shot frequently). Think about the first day you started a new job — you were probably fairly nervous, maybe even into the first week or first month. But after months or years there, the job becomes the opposite of anxiety-inducing; it becomes boring. With enough practice, dating will become boring too — until you meet the right person who makes everything feel exciting.

If you have problems with the fear of dating, the fear of meeting someone new, or how to not be nervous for a first date, taking consistent action is the key. The goal isn’t to make dating feel dull, but rather to make it feel familiar and manageable—until you meet the right person who makes everything exciting again.

Recommended Books:

DBT Workbook for Anxiety

Anxious Attachment

Just Send the Text

 

For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:

Three Things to Know About Dating in your 30s

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5 Fun and Interesting Lesbian First Date Ideas

 

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