“Is this it? Is this true love?” we might ask ourselves as we head home from a perfect date, or break into a grin unconsciously as we catch a glimpse of our date across the room. It might be! What does it mean to have “true love” in a relationship, and how do we know when we’ve found it?

How do we define “true love”?

When we think about a relationship based on “true love,” we risk falling into the same mental trap as fantasizing about meeting “the one” — constructing an ideal that we could conceivably feel is applicable to anyone we feel strongly enough about. It’s hard to construct a hard and fast litmus test for true love outside of a fairy tale, where a glass slipper or kiss from a prince will prove we’re right. And we may not really want to; if we think our relationship with someone is defined by true love, we might not be inclined to put in any actual effort or ask any of our partner; we may also stay with someone who ends up being unhealthy for us because we think they’re the only one for us. 

So what’s a more constructive way to think about true love? I’d propose that we think about a few elements as important markers of a healthy, loving and sustainable relationship: baseline compatibility, ongoing attunement from our partner, and the continued active effort that both of you dedicate to the relationship.

What does compatibility look like?

We’re always looking for a partner we feel compatible with, someone who’s a good match at a baseline before we get into the day to day work of a relationship. Even when you have an incredibly strong emotional or physical connection, it’s hard to have a stable connection if you don’t share basic values. And similarly, someone can be perfect on paper in terms of overlapping goals and worldview, but if you have no chemistry it’s hard to feel deep connection or passion. A combination of these elements are what create our sense of compatibility, which is the foundation for feeling the security of true love in your relationship. Compatibility can comprise:

• Shared values about relationships
• Shared values about the world around you
• Harmonious attachment styles
• Complementary approaches to communication
• Similar levels of emotional intelligence and openness
• Overlapping desires for your future and life together
• Overlap in sexual interests and/or complementary sexual roles
• Appreciation for each others’ sense of humor and worldviews
• A sense of chemistry, connection or “just clicking”

What does attunement look like?

Attunement is less about your baseline starting point of the ways you and your partner are fundamentally compatible, and more about the choices you make about relating to your partner within the relationship. To be attuned to someone is to be mindful and responsive to what they’re thinking and feeling, choosing to be deeply aware and curious about their inner life. Some examples of what constitute attunement can be:

• Curiosity about the day to day of your partner’s life (what happened with their work nemesis today?)
• Curiosity about the big things in your partner’s life and their interiority (how do they really feel about their best friend’s upcoming wedding?)
• Active awareness of cues about your partner’s state of mind
• Asking open-ended questions about thoughts and feelings rather than assuming
• Answering your partner’s small bids day by day throughout the relationship
• Considering how decisions about your own life will impact your partner

What does putting work into a relationship look like?

We often hear the adage that “relationships take work” — it can feel unclear what that means, other than sometimes a euphemism for grinning and bearing it when a partner treats you poorly. In actuality, even the most harmonious, compatible relationships take some effort — not effort in the sense that you need to overcome or grit your teeth through issues, but that when issues inevitably arise in life or in relationships you need to approach them with care and intention. 

It also means engaging actively when there’s disconnect, friction or an unmet need in the relationship, rather than ignoring it for the sake of ease or avoiding immediate conflict. Even if a partner is perfectly compatible with you and keenly aware of your emotions, it can spell trouble for the relationship if either of you refuse to continue engaging in the parts of the dynamic that need active attention. This can look like:

• Bringing up issues and being willing to risk conflict to improve the relationship
• Approaching conflict with intention for it be generative and constructive
• Dedicating effort to repair after conflict
• Working to compensate for any places you aren’t compatible, like different communication styles
• Demonstrating willingness to change over time for the wellbeing of the relationship
• Choosing to vulnerably share inner emotional experiences, including insecurities and fears
• Intentionally investing in your partner’s interests, important loved ones, and life outside of you

Recommended Books:

Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection

The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples

Emotional Intelligence for Couples: Simple Ways to Increase the Communication in Your Relationship

For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:

Is Your Relationship Ready for Marriage?

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Why Spending Time More Apart Might Improve Your Relationship

 

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