We often imagine successful long-term relationships as idyllic, consistent love and connection. However, even the best relationships experience ups and downs. It’s not unusual to feel like your relationship has lost some of its “spark,” whether that means feeling less connected, fighting more, getting into a “rut” or having less sex. If you’re wondering how to get the spark back in a relationship, you’re not alone.
It also doesn’t necessarily mean, as people often fear, that your relationship is in a slow decline towards its inevitable end. Much like the change of seasons, it’s normal to feel a little more and a little less connected at different times — but it’s also normal to want to move through the less connected times and feel close again. To that end, here are my recommendations for how to bring back the spark in your relationship and feel deeply connected again.
Spend more time apart
This might feel counterintuitive — and if the main obstacle in your relationship is that you can’t find time to spend with each other or that you’re always traveling, maybe it is! But sometimes, taking space can reignite the spark.
But for many of us, we turn towards “quality time” hoping that the time itself will be a kind of panacea, smoothing over rough spots in our relationship just as a result of our showing up. This quality time may be empty and further a sense of disconnection — like watching TV silently on the couch while you both scroll on your phones — or may trend in the other direction toward endless processing about the relationship itself and your feelings. You may make an effort to go on dates with your partner or carve out weeknights of dedicated time for them only to find you feel like you have nothing to talk about when you’re together.
Generally speaking, it’s the quality, not the quantity, of time, spent together that matters most — and you spend a better quality of time together with your partner when both of you have active, dynamic lives outside of each other. When both of you regularly see a wide range of friends, devote yourself to hobbies, sports, or interests, and have your books or TV shows you follow on your own, you may find you have a lot more to talk about when you do spend time with your partner. Having a wider and deeper circle of social support means you and your partner don’t have to be each other’s only resources for emotional regulation and mental health support, which means you can focus more on fun and connection. You also may find that you look forward to seeing each other more because you have enough space to miss each other, rather than the kind of monotonous acclimation you get when you spend every night together on the couch mindlessly killing time before bed.
Make a point of listening and being present
Especially if things have felt off or disconnected with our partner, we may be laser-focused on what we’re getting from them during interactions: do they seem interested in us? Are they happy to see us? Are they paying attention to us, or on their phones? Do they remember our birthday/anniversary/big work event/Mom’s surgery?
It’s extremely reasonable to be focused on these questions — but centering your attention here may not bring the spark back into your relationship. Instead, it may be more effective to model the behavior you want to see from your partner by working on being deeply present with them. Can you cultivate and broadcast a real, genuine curiosity about their day and their life? What are the nuances of the tricky contract issue they’re having at work? How are they feeling currently about their fraught relationship with their sister?
You and your partner may both be feeling like there are some walls up between you right now, preventing true intimacy — and experiencing deep listening without any attached expectations and genuine curiosity about our inner life really helps lower defenses. You may also be surprised at what you learn — maybe the distance you’ve been interpreting as a rejection is much more grounded in your partner’s life stress or mental health struggles than you realized without all the information.
Practice answering bids, flirting, and initiating sex
When we’re feeling disconnected or distant from our partner, one of the easiest ways to bring the spark back to a relationship is to engage in small but meaningful interactions that build intimacy. We may be feeling resentful or distrustful of them, waiting for them to reaffirm their affection or desire first or make some kind of apology. It can feel vulnerable and embarrassing, even in ten-year relationships, to “make the first move” or admit a want or a need. Especially if some distance has been ongoing, reaching out to your partner can feel like they’re “winning” an unspoken conflict, or like you’re revealing some sort of weakness.
If this is how you’re feeling, it’s even more reason to work through your resistance and make an effort to reconnect. In a successful, connected relationship, there is no “winning” because you aren’t in competition with your partner about who can care less; the only way to get out of that mindset is to decide to enter a different one.
If you make an effort, your partner will feel safer and reassured in making one too. Make a point of answering your partner’s bids — make a good faith effort at getting into the new show they want to watch; go to game night with their friends you think are boring; respond to the memes they send you at work even though you’re busy. These small signals are the kind of thing that cumulatively allow your partner to lower their guard around you and feel renewed psychological safety when things have been feeling fraught — and to offer you the chance to do the same.
If you’ve specifically been feeling disconnected around not having (enough) sex with your partner, the basic principles of making overtures and being a little vulnerable apply. Oftentimes, when the sexual aspect of our relationship is flagging, it’s with couples who no longer flirt with each other — flirting is essentially just making and responding to bids on the level of attraction and desire. So send a flirty text during the day; make a big deal out of how good they look in a new outfit; let them know how hot you find them when you get ready for date night. And most importantly, make a point of initiating sex — even if you’re a bottom in your relationship, and even if your partner doesn’t take you up on it 100% of the time. If your overtures are consistently met with rejection over a duration, it’s time to have an intentional talk about what you both need from your sex life — or turn to a dedicated sex and relationships counselor.
Recommended Books:
The Relationship Cure
Reigniting The Spark: Why Stable Relationships Lose Intimacy and How to Get It Back
The Spark of Your Relationship (The Power of the Mind)
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