You’re sure you’ve found the one — and the feeling is mutual. So the next step is obviously getting married, right?
Maybe! The intensity of our love and connection, especially early in a relationship, isn’t always a good indicator of what will make a healthy marriage long-term. So what is? Here’s what I recommend people ask themselves to determine if their relationship is ready for marriage.
Do you know why you’re looking at getting married?
It may seem like a silly question — you’re getting married because you want to spend your life with this person. But why a wedding, and why now? People’s decisions to get married are influenced by a variety of factors, from family pressure to the need for health insurance to a desire to keep up with our peers. It’s normal to have a rich context for your decision to get married, but it’s also true that some reasons to get married are better than others.
Are your parents just excited about your wedding, or do you feel you’re bending to family pressure (yours or your partner’s)? Are you getting married from a place of security and stability, or are you feeling anxious and insecure and like you need to “lock it down” with this person? Perhaps most importantly, have you been raised in such a way that marriage was assumed to be a non-negotiable milestone, something everyone does once they’ve reached a certain stage of life? If so, it may be worth examining your true motivations, and making sure this is something you (both) really want.
What does marriage mean to both of you?
Let’s assume you’ve both decided marriage is definitely for you, and that your reasons for doing so are things you both feel solid about. Have you also talked about what being married will actually look like? Again, this may seem like a bizarre concern. But for some people, marriage is nothing more than a particular set of legal conditions and feel that nothing really changes with their partner or relationship after a wedding. For others, it’s an extremely meaningful bond that’s totally distinct from dating or even living together.
It might be worth really thinking this through and getting both your and your partner’s thoughts out in the open before making a big commitment. How do you see your relationship after marriage being different than it is now (assuming you’re already living together)? What’s the emotional and psychological import of marriage to you? Are there any particular hopes or fears from your parents’ marriage(s) (or your own previous marriage(s)) that you’re bringing into this? Even if this doesn’t lead to any specific decision making yet, having clarity on what this major step signifies for both of you will set you up for success in the first weeks, months and years of your marriage.
What does a wedding mean to both of you?
Especially in the early stages of talking about getting married, the focus may not be on the marriage itself, but the wedding. Although of course a marriage extends far beyond a one-day event, the wedding planning can be a revealing (and stressful!) process that makes clearer what the emotional stakes are for both of you, where your priorities lie, and how you problem-solve together (especially when it comes to family).
Of course, a wedding is also a potent and concrete symbol of your relationship itself. Talking about what matters to you most in a wedding, what traditions and rituals you want to include, and what your dreams and anxieties are can also help you both learn more about each other as long-term partners. The planning of the wedding itself is also a kind of stress test or trial by fire — even the smallest, chillest weddings are very emotionally charged, and it’s almost certain you’ll face some genuine challenges and moments of conflict. Noticing the degree to which you’re able to manage these moments of rupture can be helpful in determining your readiness to navigate marriage.
How comfortable are you talking about money (and maybe a prenup?)
Talking about money sucks for everyone. But there’s a reason it’s one of the top most common subjects that couples fight about. Finances can be extremely emotionally triggering — handling of money gets at questions of whether you can really rely on the decision-making of your partner, whether they can take care of themselves and you, and whether they prioritize the safety and stability of the household over their momentary personal pleasures.
If you’re planning a wedding, you may have already talked about a basic budget or spending priorities. What about money values after the wedding is over? If you live together, you may have already discussed sharing bills, doing the grocery shopping, or even having a joint bank account. When looking at marriage, it may be useful to start having some of the conversations about larger financial goals and values — for instance, are you saving for a house? Is it a priority for one of you to get a higher-paying job to support your future?
Are you on the same page about family?
For some people, the reason marriage is an important milestone is that it creates a legal basis for your relationship — becoming officially family. This may be because you want to have better infrastructure for taking care of each other without needing power of attorney or legal documents; it may be because you want to have children. You or your partner may also have a family with more complex needs, like a sibling, parent or other relative who you care for, or plan to care for in the future.
Before getting married, it’s important to have clear, explicit conversations about how you see your family in the future. If kids are part of the conversation for either of you, this is an incredibly important thing to be on the same page about — a surprising number of couples know that they want different things when it comes to children, but imagine that it’ll work itself out over time, often because their partner will “change their mind eventually.” This isn’t a good presumption to make, and will likely lead to difficulty and resentment later on. If you and your partner are a queer couple, how do you want to go about having children? Who is comfortable carrying a child, and what makes the most sense for you both?
Similarly, it’s important to be united when it comes to parents and extended family. What kind of relationship do you both want to have with them? What level of mutual responsibility and obligation are you comfortable having with each others’ families (especially if someone’s parents are paying for the wedding)? Are you available to care for (or house) each others’ parents as they age? These may seem like an impossibly remote concern now, but getting these topics on the table and gauging your partner’s availability to discuss them is a great indicator of how ready you are for marriage.
Recommended Books:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert
Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (The Dr. Sue Johnson Collection, 1)
For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:
Do You Move Too Fast in Relationships and Dating?
Are You Ready to Get Married? What to Think About First
How Do I Know if They’re “The One”?
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