Some might say there’s no good way to break up with someone — but those of us who have been through a bad breakup can agree there are wrong ways to break up with someone. However you go about having the difficult conversation, you’ll be on the right track as long as you don’t do any of these things
Don’t ghost or give a slow fade
When breaking up with someone, the bare minimum is to break up with them. Disappearing without an explanation or slowly pulling away, hoping they’ll get the hint, leaves the other person confused and frustrated. Even if you’ve only been on a few dates, letting them know where you stand is more considerate than leaving them to wonder.
If you assume ghosting in a relationship, it is kinder because it avoids direct rejection, you just make it easier on yourself while leaving them without closure. It doesn’t have to be a big deal—being clear and direct can make it easier for both of you.
How to Do It Right:
If you’re no longer interested, a short, straightforward message is all it takes:
“Hey [Name], I’ve enjoyed spending time with you but don’t feel a romantic connection. I wanted to be upfront rather than disappear. Wishing you all the best.”
Don’t give a fake reason
Even if someone is only a casual connection or you’ve only been on one or two dates, telling someone you’re “too busy with work” or that “things are just really complicated right now” might feel like a gentle way out, but it can backfire—especially in smaller LGBTQ+ communities where the truth tends to come out. If they see you on dating apps a week later, or worse, if you go out with one of their friends, they’ll know you weren’t being honest.
Even if the real reason is that you’re just not feeling it, there’s a way to say that directly without being cruel.
How to Do It Right:
Instead of making up an excuse, be honest while keeping it simple:
“I don’t think we’re the right fit, but I really respect you and have enjoyed our time together”
Don’t break up in the heat of the moment during a fight
Many of us have walked out on a partner in the middle of a bad fight or thrown out a frustrated “Maybe we should just break up.” If intense arguments frequently lead to breakup threats, that’s a sign the relationship may not be working. But a breakup should be a decision made with clarity, not in the middle of a shouting match.
How to Do It Right:
Instead, try fighting fair(er) – when you get so activated you’re considering saying something extreme. If emotions are running high, take a step back instead of saying something you’ll regret later:
“I’m really upset right now, and I don’t want to say something I don’t mean. Let’s take a break and talk when we’re both calm.”
If you truly do want to break up, wait until you’ve had time to think it through and then have a clear, thoughtful conversation.
Don’t break up as a ploy, ultimatum or “playing hard to get”
Some people threaten a breakup as a way to test their partner’s reaction, to force them to prove their commitment or to gain the upper hand in an argument. This kind of emotional manipulation damages trust and creates unhealthy relationship patterns.
How to Do It Right:
Ask yourself: Do I want to break up, or am I trying to get a reaction?
If it’s the latter, have an open and honest discussion instead:
“I’ve been feeling disconnected in our relationship, and I want to talk about it rather than making impulsive decisions.”
Don’t break up impersonally or via one-sided communication
Ending a months-long or years-long relationship with a text or email isn’t just impersonal—it’s dismissive. If you’ve built a real connection with someone, they deserve a direct conversation. The only exception is if the relationship was very casual, or if safety is a concern.
How to Do It Right:
For serious relationships, have the breakup conversation in person. If you’re in a long-distance relationship, a video call is the next best option.
“I value you and our relationship, and I want to have an honest conversation in person. Can we meet to talk?”
Don’t draw out breakups over weeks or months
Breakups are a difficult decision; especially when we know we might cause our partner pain, it can be hard to make a decisive decision. Maybe we’re agonizing over whether breaking up is really necessary — or maybe we know it is in our hearts but we can’t bring ourselves to do it. Part of us may be hoping our partner will do it for us and initiate a breakup instead if we make it clear enough that we’re unhappy.
How to Do It Right:
Once you’ve made up your mind, be honest and direct:
“I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship, and I don’t think we’re the right fit long-term. This is really difficult, but I believe it’s the best decision for both of us.”
Don’t use a breakup as a chance to criticize or blame unnecessarily
Often by the time we break up with someone, we’re very angry at them, often with good reason — maybe they’ve cheated, broken our trust, or otherwise hurt us badly. It’s understandable to want to force the other person to hear our grievances and feel some catharsis. If you’re explaining with clarity and equanimity why you’re making the choice you are, that’s completely fair, but venting invective and personal attacks may be something you regret. You’re already breaking up with them, and taking action to improve your experience and reclaim your agency; consider whether your resentment and frustration with your now-ex can be instead shared with your friends, your therapist, or your diary.
How to Do It Right:
Focus on your feelings rather than their flaws.
What not to say:
“You’re too clingy and emotional, and I can’t handle it.”
What to say instead:
“I think we have different communication styles, and I don’t think we’re a great match.”
So how should you break up?
Breaking up is hard to do under any circumstances, and often feels painful for all parties involved. While it will never really feel good, there are a few basic tenets that will make breakups as manageable as possible for all involved: be clear and direct, be as compassionate as you can while remaining honest, and make your choices with intention and decisiveness.
Recommended Books:
How to Break up with Someone and Make It Suck a Little Less
Dump ‘Em
How to Break Up With Anyone: Letting Go of Friends, Family, and Everyone In-Between
For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:
How to Prioritize Your Mental Health in a Lesbian Relationship
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