The avoidantly attached often get a bad rap — excoriated as commitmentphobic, emotionally unavailable, or cold. It’s even more frustrating when you want to change your attachment patterns, but knowing you’re avoidant doesn’t necessarily mean you know how to do anything differently. You know you tend to be avoidant — but what are you supposed to do about it?

Shifting your avoidant attachment style isn’t necessarily easy, but it’s absolutely possible. Here’s how to begin healing from avoidant attachment:

Understanding what avoidant attachment is and where it comes from

In terms of attachment theory, avoidant attachment is thought to develop from developmental circumstances where our caregivers aren’t consistently available to meet our needs, or actively reject us when we try to have our needs met as young children. This can be a caregiver who’s emotionally distant and unavailable and doesn’t respond meaningfully when a child shares distress or fear with them; it could also be a caregiver who’s literally unavailable, often absent and leaving the child to fend for themselves, or neglecting them when they are physically present. Some caregivers may punish or lash out at a child for having needs, telling them that they’re causing problems, need to get over it or need to grow up; a child may be on the receiving end of an outburst or punishment like being locked in a room alone if they cry or have a tantrum.

From a child development perspective, this teaches us that connection with others is dangerous and risky, and often that seeking support or care from others will lead to punishment or loss of the relationship in some way. These developmental blueprints form the basis of avoidant attachment: an attachment style where people may feel instinctive discomfort with connection or intimacy — even in the context of a relationship they actually want — and instead prioritize independence and self-sufficiency, even to their own detriment or the detriment of the relationship.

Naming the hallmarks of avoidant attachment

Avoidant attachment can look like literal avoidance — staying away from relationships or dating, or needing a great deal of space or alone time. It can also look like a variety of other behaviors in a relationship, often in reaction to closeness, intimacy or emotional needs that feel threatening. This can include:

• An intense need for “alone time” or isolation, especially when upset or emotionally dysregulated
• Frustration with partners when they seem “needy” or “emotional,” or want to discuss a relationship issue at length
• Difficulties or discomfort with commitment milestones, discouraging partners from sleeping over, meeting your friends, or otherwise “getting serious”, insistence on nonmonogamy
• Feeling conflict or ambiguity about what you want out of relationships, maybe making contradictory choices like giving someone a key to your apartment but telling them you don’t want a relationship
• Frequent desire to end or “take breaks” from connections, including ghosting or lying, telling dates you don’t know when you’ll be able to see them because “work has been crazy”
• Extreme sensitivity and resentment around romantic partners’ expectations of you, feeling that you’re frequently being imposed upon or controlled
• Difficulty engaging in conflict or difficult emotional conversations head-on, and feeling a desire to put them off or ghost so you don’t need to have them
• Difficulty expressing your feelings, good or bad, to your partners, perhaps wishing they could read your mind to know exactly what you want them to do without your having to express it
• A deep sense of shame or panic when you do express needs or vulnerabilities, which may lead to isolating or lashing out at your partner with resentment
• Feeling more comfortable with disclosing personal feelings to acquaintances or strangers than to people you’re close with and/or romantic partners

Working on co-regulation and vulnerability

At its core, avoidant attachment is about having difficulty around really being present in deep, authentic connection with others, because our nervous system learned at a young age that this was an unsafe experience to be avoided at all costs. It follows, then, that working through avoidant attachment involves practicing being present in connection with others and engaging in the vulnerability necessary for intimacy, both to build the skill sets required and to acclimate your nervous system to the idea that this can be a safe experience. Avoidantly attached people tend to struggle with co-regulation, the act of soothing from upset in connection with another person; instead, they over-rely on self-regulation, the act of soothing yourself on your own. Increasing your capacity for co-regulation by practicing connection and vulnerability intentionally can help make your relationships easier and more successful.

If you were trying to build physical muscles, you would start slowly and judiciously with lighter exercise and progressively build up difficulty as you got stronger. Similarly, you can start building your level of comfort with smaller acts of vulnerability, like sharing more about your weekend with coworkers or texting your friends first when you haven’t heard from them in a while. Practice answering more honestly when people in your life ask about your day or how you are; notice when you have the urge to isolate during a difficult time, and see if you can push yourself to make any small overtures to stay present with people in your life, like texting a friend about how you’re feeling while letting yourself stay in your room with your door closed. Stretch goals would be things like calling a friend when you’re struggling, or asking someone to come over and be with you in person on a bad day, even if it’s just to watch a movie together. It may not always feel good or comforting in the moment to try to co-regulate, especially at first, but cumulatively this kind of intimacy can make a big difference in your nervous system and in your relationships.

Build healthy conflict skills and moving through shame

Avoidance often crops up around conflict or rupture in relationships; if you feel like a partner is upset or like a topic will bring up conflict, it may feel tempting to try to avoid the uncomfortable conversation by changing the topic, dismissing or downplaying the concerns, or dodging a conversation by ignoring texts or ghosting. Conflict can bring up a lot of shame and fear, making you feel like you’ll be found objectionable or undeserving of care like you were as a child, not worthy of being in a relationship with.

Of course, avoiding conflict can entrench current relationship problems and create new ones related to resentment; the avoidance becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Make it a priority to work on staying present in conflict, even if you need some modifications to do so. Instead of telling a partner you need space to think about an issue and can’t discuss an issue or respond to their concerns, see if it’s more manageable to do so over email or text. Rather than taking an indeterminate amount of time to “cool off” or telling yourself you’ll wait til you’re “ready,” give yourself and your partner a definite, concrete amount of time — like “three hours” or “at dinner tomorrow” when you’ll commit to working through something. Work with a therapist or other resources to build your resilience and tolerance around shame, making it easier to stay in difficult conversations and effectively move through any shame that comes up without it paralyzing you.

Practice your skills in safe relationships

It can feel like an impassable catch-22 to work on attachment issues; we often want to be totally “fixed” or “healed” before entering a new romantic relationship, yet attachment issues can really only be worked on and improved within connection with others — not by doing personal work in isolation.

But we don’t need to work on these skills only within the highest-stakes, most challenging romantic relational contexts. Family, close friends, therapists and community ties are also all places to build the skills and capacity for more comfortable secure attachment. Look for opportunities to lean into vulnerability and small acts of intimacy in your existing relationships, whether it’s telling your oldest friend that you miss them when you haven’t hung out in a while or being honest with your mother that something she said hurt your feelings. For many people, a secure, successful therapist relationship can function as a safe, reliable attachment to practice staying present in even through difficult conversations.

Recommended Books:

Securely Attached

Attachment Theory Workbook for Couples

Hold Me Tight

 

For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:

How to Heal Your Anxious Attachment Style

7 Signs of Secure Attachment

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