“Another night out listening to my best friend complain about her situationship,” “just got out of a summer situationship,” “not trying to end up in a situationship again.” If you’re on social media or dating apps, you may have heard phrases like this — ones that imply both that everyone seems to be in and out of “situationships” constantly, and also that a situationship is maybe undesirable to be in. But what actually is a situationship, and what do you need to know about them? Could you be in a situationship right now? Here’s what you need to know about the dating phenomenon of the situationship and what it means for you.
What’s a situationship?
While it may not have an entry in the dictionary, generally a “situationship” refers to an ongoing romantic or sexual dynamic that’s not clearly defined by the parties involved in it, and which hasn’t been formally established with a conversation outlining its parameters. This could mean the relationship doesn’t have a “label” — is this a date? Are you my girlfriend? — or that the emotional and relational boundaries of it aren’t clear — can I call you when I’ve had a bad day at work? Are we exclusive or seeing other people? Do you see this “going anywhere”?
A situationship can refer to any number of dynamics under the umbrella of “casual dating,” from regular friends with benefits who have a purely sexual connection to people who go on dates regularly and share time together but isn’t organized by specific commitments to one another.
That sounds like what I’m doing — is that bad?
Situationships can have a negative connotation for some people — especially if desires and goals for the connection aren’t aligned. Sometimes, people feel like they’ve been suckered into a situationship or are settling for one — “I thought they wanted something serious, but this is just a situationship.”
This disconnect can arise when expectations and hopes for a connection aren’t communicated about clearly — or when one (or both) people aren’t transparent and direct about what they want. If you’re looking for a serious relationship that progresses through the stages of dating to exclusivity and eventually living together and even marriage, and the person you’re seeing says they might be open to that but equivocates about doing anything besides getting drinks and hooking up every two weeks, it can feel very frustrating and disingenuous to end up in a situationship.
On the other hand, not everyone is looking for a serious relationship that progresses linearly along the relationship escalator. If everyone involved feels good about where the dynamic is at — the amount of time you spend together, how you spend it, your agreements about safer sex and seeing other people, the level of emotional or sexual intimacy you share, any potential “future” for the dynamic — then there’s no problem that needs to be solved.
Casual or less-than-clearly-defined relationships that aren’t designed around “going anywhere” or building up to a specific set of commitments can be meaningful and worthwhile on their own terms. Check in with your partner and yourself: is it actually bothering you to be in a situationship? Or does it feel like it should bother you? If it’s the latter, it may be more a question of letting go of concerns about how you “should” be approaching dating and letting yourself enjoy what actually feels good.
How do I avoid ending up in a situationship?
Does the thought of finding yourself developing feelings for someone who you’re not sure of your status with make your skin crawl? If you have good communication and a commitment to transparency, you don’t need to end up in a relationship dynamic that doesn’t feel good to you.
To avoid ending up in a situationship, it’s important to define clearly to yourself what you want in a relationship and what a relationship looks like to you — and also communicate this explicitly to your dates and partners. If you know you’re looking for a serious relationship, take some time to think about what that actually looks like for you: a certain number of nights spent together per week? Becoming exclusive or moving in together on a particular timeline? Is it important to you to be with someone who’s willing to be close with your family of origin? Being up front with these expectations with both yourself and your dates will help avoid a circumstance where you just “end up” in a dynamic with someone you really like, and realize too late you’re on different pages.
That said, it’s certainly possible to end up in a situationship without meaning to despite your best efforts at communication, either because the other person isn’t being honest with you or themselves, or because one of you didn’t have a full picture of what you wanted. In that case, the best way forward is to dive in and have a “what are we” conversation — knowing that the answer to it may not be what we want to hear, and being willing to graciously end the relationship if we ascertain that the other person isn’t available for the kind of commitment or relationship structure we want.
Recommended Books:
Getting It
Respect
We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:
What’s the Relationship Escalator, and Are You on It?
Here’s the Wrong Way(s) to Break Up With Someone
How to Rekindle the Spark in Your Gay Relationship
Affiliate Disclaimer: Little Gay Book may earn commissions from qualifying purchases made through links on our website. These commissions help to support our work in providing valuable content to our readers. Rest assured, this does not affect the price you pay for any products or services. We only recommend products that we genuinely believe will bring value to our audience. Thank you for your support!