Last updated on May 21st, 2025 at 06:48 pm

Most of us didn’t learn much about safer sex in school, at least if we grew up in the US. Even fewer of us learned anything material about gay sex education. And gay safer sex? Forget about it. While you may have heard stigmatizing or fear-mongering concerns about the risks of gay sex, the reality is that safer sexual practices are accessible to everyone, regardless of identity. Here’s what you need to know about safe gay sex and how to protect your well-being.

What’s safe(r) sex, really?

It’s crucial to understand that all sexual activity carries some level of risk (as does almost anything we do in life that matters!). This means all sexual contact — including types of sex people may think of as risk-free, like cunnilingus or scissoring in lesbian sex. Despite pervasive myths around gay men being uniquely high-risk as a sexual population, everyone should be thinking actively about the risk factors in their sex life and how to mitigate potential health concerns, without indulging in fearmongering or unnecessary panic. For all of us, regardless of what kind of sex we have, with whom, or how often, the basics of safer sex are:

• Knowing your status around health issues and STIs by getting tested regularly, and communicating about it openly and transparently with partners
• Following your course of treatment for any health concerns or STIs that are potentially communicable
• Using barrier methods when appropriate
• Maintaining health and cleanliness standards around other elements of your sex life, like sterilizing sex toys between partners
• Prioritizing consent and emotional safety in sexual encounters with both casual and long-term partners

Risk factors and myths around gay male sexual culture

The HIV/AIDS epidemic has cast a long shadow over our shared gay sex culture. For some, it transformed sex into something that will always feel potentially dangerous; for others, it inextricably linked sex with a degree of grief and mourning. For a small subset, it suggested that gay men (especially gay men who cruise or have casual sex) are inherently unsafe and gay male sex is categorically dangerous or bad.

Of course, that latter argument is deeply untrue. The catastrophic loss of the HIV/AIDS epidemic is largely due to the public health failures of a state that didn’t care about gay men’s lives, not because of the nature of gay male sex. And advances in knowledge and science mean that HIV and AIDS are no longer the specters of death they once were.

For some people, gay male culture’s historic association with casual sex, nonmonogamy, and cruising feels like a risk factor for unsafe sex. In reality, in many contexts, someone who has casual sex with several new people each week but who tests regularly and communicates their status is a safer partner than someone who has only a few partners a year but never tests because they don’t think of themself as the kind of person who gets STIs.

Being mindful about safe(r) sex

Safer sex doesn’t need to be a major damper on your sex or dating life, no matter what that looks like. Here’s what gay men should know about sexual health and how to take control of their well-being.

Communication, transparency and testing

Regular STI testing — and transparency about the results — is the cornerstone of safer sex. Many sexually transmitted infections are easily treatable as long as you know you have them, and many more are very easy to avoid transmitting to partners. Making it a regular practice to get tested frequently and making a point of regularly discussing test results with both new and long-term partners sets a strong foundation for everyone’s sexual health.

Barrier methods

The best way to avoid transmitting communicable diseases of any kind (in addition to preventing pregnancy when having sex with someone with a uterus) is to use a barrier method of some kind. This often means using condoms for anal and even oral sex — many newer kinds of condom technology are thinner and allow for increased sensation. If you’re a bottom who’s being penetrated during anal sex, you can also use an internal condom, which can be inserted before any sexual activity even begins.

Prescription medication support

The advent of new prophylactic medications like PrEP can provide an extra layer of safety against contracting HIV during sex. Oral medication like Truvada can be taken daily, or injectable versions of PrEP can be taken on a less frequent basis, like every two months. PrEP reduces the risk of contracting HIV from sex by about 99% when taken as prescribed — note that it’s important to take PrEP regularly and on schedule, as it takes 7-21 days of daily use (of oral medication) before it’s fully effective. It’s a game-changer for those who want to enjoy safe gay sex without anxiety.

New medication regimes can treat HIV very effectively, as well as lower the risk of HIV transmission to negligible levels. If you or a partner is HIV+, following a consistent course of treatment can be effective in getting your HIV viral load to undetectable levels.

Substances

Substances are commonly used by people of all lifestyles and orientations when having sex, especially alcohol. In gay male communities, other types of substance use are sometimes practiced around sex, from poppers to meth to GHB. If you or a partner is interested in substance use around sex, or chemsex, it’s important to communicate transparently and openly about it; like any other kind of sex, no one should be pressured into it. If you’re feeling distressed about substance use around sex or elsewhere in your life and feel out of control around the issue, it might be a good time to reach out to a support group or twelve-step program in your area for support.

Emotional, psychological and physical safety

Plenty of sexual encounters are physically safe in terms of the transmission of communicable diseases, but still leave their participants in distress afterward because they didn’t center consent and the emotional wellness of everyone involved. Safe sex includes emotional safety, even in more casual encounters. There’s a lot you can do to make sure everyone has a good time, from establishing clear consent for the activities you’re interested in to checking in about triggers or hard limits.

Recommended Books:

Gay Sex, Gay Health: All You Need to Know About Gay Sex and Sexual Health

Safety In Numbers: Safer Sex and Gay Men

Lust, Men, and Meth: A Gay Man’s Guide to Sex and Recovery

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