Very few of us feel completely copacetic at all times in 2024. Many of us deal with some variety of mental health challenges, whether that’s depression and anxiety, the fallout of abuse, or something else. It can be hard to deal with any of these in isolation as single people, but in some ways it can be even harder to deal with them while in a relationship — we worry about how our mental health is impacting our partner, or can allow our own mental health needs to be subsumed by the needs of the relationship. It can be difficult to prioritize our mental health while in a lesbian relationship, but it’s not impossible. Here’s what I recommend:
Watch out for codependency and enmeshment
Lesbian relationships are often defined by intense closeness and intimacy — sometimes bordering into enmeshment (erosion of the difference between you as separate people) or codependency (when your emotional or psychological wellbeing is dependent upon the other person’s). While closeness can be a support through difficult times and mental health challenges, enmeshment or codependency can actually make things much harder.
In a healthy relationship, both of you support each other through low points or personal crises, whether that’s helping to pick up extra household chores or talking through difficult challenges at work. But crucially, your low points remain your own low points, and the same goes for your partner. If a stressful situation at your partner’s job is making you so distressed you can’t eat or sleep, or you find that all your mental energy and focus is being expended on how you can make them feel better, you may not be centered enough in your own experience to effectively support your partner’s mental health — or your own.
Codependency and enmeshment can lead to, paradoxically, relationship conflict around resentment or obligation as well as isolation from others in your life and abandonment of hobbies or interests you hold on your own. While many of us grew up with social scripts that encouraged the abandonment of self in order to care for others, we’re actually better resourced to show up for ourselves and others if we “put our own mask on first,” as the in-flight announcements say.
Make sure you and your partner are set up for success in supporting each other
We all want our partners to come through for us when we’re struggling — and it makes our problems feel 100x worse if they don’t. But none of us can read each other’s minds, or know each other’s lived experiences exactly. If you and your partner want to be able to support each other through mental health struggles — especially if you both experience challenges related to mental health and especially if those mental health challenges are different, without overlap — you have to set each other up for success.
This means communicating and setting expectations for each other when you aren’t in crisis. This could look like explaining what you’re generally going through when you’re in a difficult place with mental health, what has historically helped and what hasn’t, or managing expectations ahead of time. Telling your partner that you often aren’t interested in sex during a major depressive episode but that this doesn’t last forever is really helpful before they start worrying about your sex life broadly.
It may be helpful to help educate your partner about a specific diagnosis you have and how it presents, or give them enough information to start with that they can research it themselves — it can feel bad or impossible to explain symptoms or what would be helpful in responding to them in the moment.
Look for support outside your partner in the form of a therapist (and friends!)
The most part of prioritizing your mental health is making sure it’s adequately treated and supported — by more than just your partner. No matter how wonderful, understanding, and accommodating your partner is, it’s not healthy for either of you for them to be your only (or maybe even your primary) form of mental health support. This isn’t because you’re “too much” or a burden, but because we’re designed to be supported by a community, not a single other person.
To mitigate this (and to avoid codependency and enmeshment), it’s worth the effort to invest in a wide range of friendships and relationships, even though that can be challenging while managing mental health. It’s also more than worth it to seek out professional support in the form of a qualified, experienced therapist — and possibly other resources if you feel like they’ll help, like a peer support group or twelve-step program. While a partner can support you emotionally (and can even help you shop for a therapist if they’re up for it), a therapist can provide concrete help that can actually help alleviate or treat your mental health and support you through managing it on your own.
Recommended Books:
Becoming Safely Embodied: A Guide to Organize Your Mind, Body and Heart to Feel Secure in the World
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (Original Edition)
Are U Ok?: A Guide to Caring for Your Mental Health
For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:
Am I Codependent in My Relationship?
Being in a Relationship with Someone with Mental Health Struggles
Domestic Violence and Abuse in Lesbian Relationships
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