On one hand, casual sex can be fun, affirming, exciting, and exactly what you’re looking for. On the other hand, it can be frustrating when it feels like every avenue for meeting men is geared toward something casual, while you’re hoping to find a boyfriend, a long-term partner, or simply someone who wants to date intentionally.
If this sounds familiar, you may simply need to get a little more deliberate about where and how you’re looking for connection. Here’s what I recommend when I work with gay men who are looking for something more than a hookup or a situationship.
If you’re a gay man looking for a serious relationship, the goal isn’t necessarily to avoid hookup culture altogether. It’s to become more intentional about where you meet men, communicate what you want, and recognize when someone else’s relationship goals don’t align with yours.
Why Hookup Culture Can Be Uniquely Pervasive for Gay Men
Gay and bisexual men have a rich history and culture of cruising: different ways men have found each other for negotiated, no-strings-attached sex. Long before smartphones, men were finding one another in bars, clubs, bathhouses, parks, and other social spaces. Dating apps and digital technology have expanded those possibilities considerably, making it easier than ever to find someone interested in casual sex.
And that’s not a bad thing. Casual sex is a great choice for people who genuinely want it, and being able to find consensual sex safely and without shame or stigma is a positive part of gay men’s lives.
But if that’s not what you want, and if you’re looking for a serious relationship — or even just dating beyond hookups — the prevalence of hookup culture can start to feel discouraging.
Navigating Away From Hookup Culture on the Apps
If you’re looking for a serious gay relationship, it can help to choose dating platforms where you’re more likely to encounter men whose relationship goals align with yours.
Some dating apps used by gay men, including Grindr and Scruff, are strongly associated with hookups and casual sex. You certainly can meet a serious partner through an app like Grindr, but if most of the interactions you’re having leave you feeling frustrated because everyone seems to want something different from you, it’s worth asking whether the platform itself is part of the problem.
You might have a better experience on apps that are more explicitly oriented toward dating and relationships, even if they’re not specifically designed for gay men. Hinge, for example, may give you a different pool of people and a different set of expectations around what it means to connect.
There’s no single app that’s going to serve you up exactly the partner you’re looking for on a platter, and that’s okay. But it may be worth it to seek out spaces where your desires have more overlap with what other users are seeking.
How to Meet Gay Men Outside the Apps
Meeting gay men outside dating apps can create opportunities for connection through shared interests, community, friendships, and repeated interaction rather than relying entirely on profiles and swipes.
Sometimes the best way to meet men who aren’t primarily looking for hookups is to step away from the apps altogether.
For a lot of us, meeting someone “in the wild” can sound almost quaint in an era when so much dating happens through a screen. But it’s still possible, and meeting someone organically can offer useful information about compatibility. You may already have something in common because you met through a shared hobby, interest, workplace, volunteer activity, or social circle.
If your current lifestyle doesn’t give you many opportunities to meet people organically, that may be worth changing — not because you need to turn every activity into a dating opportunity, but because having a richer social life creates more opportunities for connection in general.
Look for communities organized around things you actually enjoy (these can even be online, especially if you live in a more rural area). Join a recreational sports league. Try a tabletop role-playing group. Take a crafting class. Find a gardening community, gaming group, book club, or volunteer organization. These spaces can introduce you to new friends, and sometimes those friendships lead to dates.
And if they don’t, expert GBTQ+ matchmaking is always an option that’s waiting for you!
How to Tell a Guy You’re Looking for a Serious Relationship
Being clear that you want a serious relationship doesn’t mean asking someone for commitment on the first date. It means communicating what you’re ultimately looking for and finding out whether the other person wants something compatible.
If you’re dating in a scene where hookups and situationships are common, clarity becomes especially important.
Don’t be afraid to concretely articulate what you’re actually looking for. “I want a relationship someday” can mean very different things to different people. You might instead say, “I want to go on regular dates and eventually build toward living together,” or even, “I want a boyfriend who will adopt a dog with me someday.”
Remember that people aren’t able to meet expectations they don’t know about. If you keep having interactions with men that leave you disappointed, did they actually know you wanted something different? Sometimes we’re hoping another person will infer our intentions from our behavior, when being direct would save everyone a lot of confusion.
There’s also nothing wrong with casual dating as a way of figuring out whether someone might eventually be a good partner. You don’t have to interview someone for the position of “future husband” on the first date. But be honest with yourself about the direction you’d like things to go. If you’re consistently hoping a casual connection will become a relationship while the other person is perfectly happy keeping it casual, pay attention to that mismatch. You don’t have to stay in a situationship simply because you hoped it would eventually become something else.
Make Sure Your Relational and Attachment Needs Are Being Met Elsewhere
Strong friendships, supportive family relationships, and community can help reduce the pressure to use sex or dating as your only source of intimacy, belonging, and emotional connection.
Wanting a relationship is completely fair, but it’s also important to remember romance isn’t the only source of meaningful connection.
Navigating hookup culture when you want “the real thing” can be lonely. And loneliness can make us more likely to accept situations that don’t actually work for us. You might find yourself agreeing to another friends-with-benefits arrangement, another vague situationship, or another late-night hookup while quietly hoping it will turn into something more.
Again, there’s nothing wrong with casual sex or late-night hookups. The question is whether you’re choosing it because you genuinely want it or because you’re desperately hungry for connection.
To help avoid this, make sure you’re cultivating and maintaining other relationships in your life. Truly invest in your friendships. Stay connected to family (when those relationships are supportive). Build community. Make plans that give you something to look forward to that has nothing to do with dating.
Think of it as keeping your relational cup full. The more connected, supported, and grounded you feel in the rest of your life, the easier it becomes to approach sex and dating from a place of choice rather than scarcity.
Frequently Asked Questions About Gay Men and Hookup Culture
Is it possible to find a serious gay relationship on a hookup app?
Yes. Serious relationships can begin on apps commonly associated with casual sex. The more important question is whether the men you’re meeting share your relationship goals. If you’re repeatedly encountering people who want something casual, trying a different platform or meeting men offline may help you find people whose intentions are more aligned with yours.
How do I tell a guy I’m looking for a relationship without scaring him away?
Be clear without treating an early date like a commitment negotiation. You can say that you’re dating because you’d eventually like a serious relationship while still taking time to determine whether the two of you are compatible. If someone wants something fundamentally different, learning that early can save both of you time and confusion.
Where can gay men meet other men outside dating apps?
Gay men can meet through LGBTQ+ community organizations, recreational sports, volunteering, hobby groups, book clubs, gaming communities, classes, social events, mutual friends, and other spaces that allow people to interact repeatedly and get to know one another naturally.
How do I avoid turning another hookup into a situationship?
Be honest with yourself about what you want and communicate it to the other person. If you’re hoping the connection will progress while the other person consistently wants to keep things casual or undefined, continued contact doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is moving forward.
Is hookup culture bad for gay men?
Not inherently. Consensual casual sex can be enjoyable and affirming for gay men who genuinely want it. The problem is when the type of connection you’re participating in doesn’t match what you actually want from your dating life.
Can gay matchmaking help me find men who want serious relationships?
Professional gay matchmaking provides another way to meet men when you’re looking for intentional dating and a long-term relationship. Matchmaking can focus the search on relationship goals, compatibility, and curated introductions rather than relying entirely on dating apps or chance encounters.
Ready for Something More Than a Hookup?
If you’re ready for a serious relationship but keep meeting men who want something different, Little Gay Book offers another path. For more than 17 years, we’ve helped LGBTQ+ singles pursue meaningful relationships through personalized matchmaking and dating support. Learn more about our professional GBTQ+ matchmaking services and whether matchmaking may be the right next step for you.
Dr. Frankie Bashan is a licensed psychologist, AASECT-certified sex therapist, professional matchmaker, and founder of Little Gay Book. For more than 17 years, she has worked with lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and other LGBTQ+ singles and couples navigating dating, relationships, intimacy, communication, and compatibility. Her work combines psychological expertise with real-world matchmaking experience, with a particular focus on helping gay men and other LGBTQ+ singles build meaningful relationships.
Recommended Books:
Meeting People in Real Life: Your Guide to Easily Meet People and Make Genuine Connections for Friendship and Dating
How To Date A Gay Man: The Psychology of Finding Love, Desire and the Art of Intimate Connection
The Go-To Relationship Guide for Gay Men
For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:
How Gay Men Can Handle Rejection Without Losing Confidence
How to Find a Gay Boyfriend: Where Gay Men Meet for Love
How Gay Men Can Build Real Relationships Outside the Apps
 |
We’re honored to share that Little Gay Book Blog has been named one of the Top 4 Lesbian Dating Blogs on the web by Feedspot! Huge thanks to the Feedspot team for the recognition—and to our amazing readers for being part of this journey. |
Affiliate Disclaimer: Little Gay Book may earn commissions from qualifying purchases made through links on our website. These commissions help to support our work in providing valuable content to our readers. Rest assured, this does not affect the price you pay for any products or services. We only recommend products that we genuinely believe will bring value to our audience. Thank you for your support!