It feels like everyone on earth is on the apps — and like no one is having a good time on them. While the apps make sense for making casual connections or planning hookups, they can feel less satisfying when you’re looking for a real connection. But it can feel challenging to figure out where to start when you’re looking for something more substantive — here’s how to start building real relationships, outside of the apps.
Learn to Have a Lighter Touch Around Your “Type”
Rigid ideas about “type” can limit connection and make it harder to recognize compatibility and attraction in real life.
For some gay men in some communities, the taxonomy of “type” can feel ironclad. You’re a twink, so you end up with silver foxes, or you’re a bear who only dates other bears, etc. In some cases, this speaks to a real and specific desire; if you’re truly only attracted to bears and want a bear4bear relationship, then maybe this makes sense. But for many of us, labels we might use on the apps don’t necessarily reflect the complex and nuanced desires we feel in reality. If you’re having trouble finding love, or feel frustrated by the options you’re finding available to you, a first step might be to relax some of your thinking about what “type” of guy you should be pursuing.
The apps can give us a very instantaneous, yes-or-no mindset; we’re prone to judging people at first glance and sorting them into a bucket of whether we’re into them or not. We can easily dismiss people out of hand, deciding that because we don’t feel an instant attraction to them (or a sense that we should feel attracted to them, or that other people find them attractive, or that they’re objectively desirable according to some standard) they aren’t worth getting to know. It’s productive to notice when this mindset is happening and train yourself out of it where possible; practice making a habit of noticing what is attractive or appealing about people, and keeping your mind as open as possible.
Get to Know Yourself and What You Bring to the Table
Building meaningful relationships starts with understanding your own values, goals, and emotional availability.
On the apps, it’s easy to get by with a minimum of introspection (or even interaction). There isn’t necessarily a need to make conversation or share your inner experiences (or get curious about the experiences of others) unless you want to. If you’re looking for a lasting connection based on real intimacy, the rules of engagement are a little different. Part of this involves self-knowledge and a willingness to be open on your part. If the man of your dreams sit down across from you at a coffeeshop and asks you to share who you are and what you’re looking for, will you be able to?
What are your dreams and fears? What do you want out of a relationship? What do you want your life to look like, and why? What matters to you most? How have past relationships shaped your outlook? While you probably won’t cover all of these on your first date, it’s good to reorient yourself towards an outlook of getting to know others by bringing a genuine curiosity and offering real parts of yourself in return.
Make an Effort to Spend Time in Community
Creating more opportunities for in-person connection often starts with becoming more active in your local community and daily life.
We often lean towards meeting people on the apps because it’s hard to imagine any other way to do it. Many of us lead fairly isolated lives, going from work to home and back (or, if we work from home, not even that). It can feel like the days of meeting people at a bar or a coffeeshop are gone, or relegated to rom-coms. It isn’t necessarily instant to meet someone out in the world, but you can make it more likely by taking steps to make your life more integrated with your community in general.
Are there third spaces you can make a point to spend time in, like working at the library instead of at home? Are there social events in your neighborhood you could become a part of? Are there local events, like art openings or discussion groups, you could attend? Taking steps like these help you become a more active part of the world, and create the circumstances for you to meet someone organically.
Lean Into Local LGBTQ+ Community
LGBTQ+ organizations, social groups, and community spaces can create natural opportunities to meet people with shared experiences and values.
Your community doesn’t have to be just your neighborhood — if you aren’t already part of any kind of LGBT organizations or community groups, this would be a great time to get connected to them. Whether it’s a gay sports league, an activist organization, or a queer history archive, an explicitly LGBT organization offers you the chance to meet other gay people (and potentially their friend groups), and for them to know that you’re gay, too.
Meeting different gay friend circles than the ones you currently move in is the fastest and most effective way to meet potential new dates; and while not all gay orgs (or gay people) will be your exact cup of tea, widening your social circles and your sphere of activities is a good way to broaden your horizons no matter what.
Seek Out Dates Based on Shared Interests
Shared interests and passions often create stronger foundations for long-term connection than surface-level attraction alone.
The surest way to a lasting connection is one based on shared values and interests — which makes this an ideal place to meet a partner. Whether your thing is ceramics or rooting for Arsenal or leftist politics, pursuing your passions and letting them guide how you spend your time and who you spend time with is a great way to meet people organically. They won’t all turn into romantic partners — but some of them might, and when you do meet someone at the fly fishing retreat or ham radio meetup, you’ll already have a strong foundation of shared interests and readymade conversation starters to connect over.
Pursuing your hobbies and passions has the added bonus of bettering your relationship with yourself, too. While swiping endlessly on the apps tends to leave us feeling glazed and dead-eyed, like watching hours of reality TV, engaging in things we care about leaves us feeling fulfilled and engaged and helps us grow as people. When you do meet a serious partner, you’ll have even more to bring to the table.
Frequently Asked Questions About Dating Outside the Apps
Is it still possible to meet people organically?
Yes. While apps are common, many people still meet through shared interests, community spaces, friends, and social groups.
Why do dating apps feel so exhausting?
Apps can encourage quick judgments, constant comparison, and surface-level interaction, which can lead to burnout over time.
What’s the best way to meet people outside the apps?
The strongest approach is consistency: spend time in spaces connected to your interests, values, and community.
If dating apps have left you feeling disconnected or discouraged, our coaching and dating app management services can help you clarify what you’re looking for, strengthen your confidence, and build more intentional approaches to dating and relationships.
Dr. Frankie Bashan is a licensed psychologist, sex therapist, and professional matchmaker with over 17 years of experience working with Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans and Queer individuals and couples. She specializes in relational dynamics, communication, and sexual compatibility. She is the founder of Little Gay Book and host of the Love, Laughs and Lessons podcast.
Recommended Books:
Get Closer: A Gay Men’s Guide to Intimacy and Relationships, 3rd Edition
Boys Who Like Boys: How we date, love, and find fulfillment in the age of the internet
The Go-To Relationship Guide for Gay Men: From Honeymoon to Lasting Commitment
For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:
7 Places to Meet Your Future Partner (Besides Work or School)
Understanding Spontaneous vs. Reactive Desire
Understanding the Different Types of Gay Men: A Comprehensive Guide
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