Sobriety, especially early sobriety, is hard for a lot of reasons. On top of the emotional work, there’s the sense that your life can never look the same again. How will you socialize, connect with people, pass the time, celebrate life’s joys, or bond with others without drinking or using? Dating can feel like an impossible challenge, and like your newly sober persona is the least fun, hot or desirable person on earth. There’s also logistical concerns — how are you supposed to meet anyone when all anyone wants to do is meet for a drink? While some parts of sobriety will always be challenging, the question of how to meet women as a sober person is one I can help with.
Not at meetings or AA spaces
Navigating sobriety is emotionally fraught, and not just in the ways that might be most obvious. Especially in early sobriety, people often feel extreme emotions and reactions that feel overwhelming and are difficult to know what to do with. Chief among these emotions for many people is finding themselves drawn into attraction or romantic preoccupation. It makes sense — the brain chemicals associated with having a crush feel amazing. Some newly sober people find themselves at the “emotional age” of when they first started using, meaning you may suddenly feel more like a teenager or someone in their 20s even well into adulthood. Emotions can feel much more intense when you’ve stopped drinking or using, and it’s totally reasonable to want to experience the good extremes over the bad.
There’s nothing wrong with having a crush — but things can go sideways when all this intense energy for connection concentrates in one space, like an AA meeting. If you ever did a sleepaway summer camp as a teenager, you know how quickly and passionately people can pair off in insular groups who are having a shared experience. The difference is that in the insular group of an AA meeting, everyone in early sobriety is still working on emotional regulation and effective sober interpersonal skills — and everyone is at risk for relapse if something goes awry. It’s often recommended that you avoid new romantic entanglements in your first year of sobriety — while not everyone follows this advice (and of course not everyone is in AA, NA or a different 12-step program) it’s wise to prioritize dating outside your program or new sober community if you are going to date.
Try out the apps
Dating apps don’t necessarily have the best reputation, and that’s not entirely unwarranted. However, the fact remains that if you put some effort in, you definitely can find dates on dating apps, and they have a few advantages you may not have considered. And while meeting people “in the wild” definitely has appeal, for many of us, “the wild” has historically meant at bars or while partying — it’s good to have other options in your pocket in recovery.
One convenient thing about app-based dating is the requirement to describe yourself and what you’re looking for up front. If your sobriety is an important factor in your dating life and something you need dates to be a good fit with, dating apps can give you a chance to manage that information up front. Along with everything else in your bio, it’s worth mentioning you’re sober or in recovery (though of course you don’t have to offer details!). Share any relevant information that will help potential dates mesh well with you — are you looking to date another sober person? Searching for sober friends? Do you want to flag specifically not to ask you out for drinks?
These steps can be helpful in skipping past the tricky disclosure stages of early dating, as well as weeding out people who wouldn’t be a good fit and highlighting people who are. If someone does message you suggesting you get cocktails tonight, it’s fairly easy to screen them out. If someone messages with a thoughtful set of fun date ideas that don’t involve any substances, that’s a green flag.
One other nice thing about dating apps is that they give us a broader cross-section of the general dating public in a way that can help correct some of our internal narratives. Dating in recovery can feel like you’re the only one of a rare species, and that anyone you meet will be at best annoyed and at worst horrified that you’re sober. Seeing the dating profiles of the rest of your city, even if you don’t want to date them, may offer perspective on how many other sober people are out there with you.
Look for connection in the interests that come to replace drinking
Rebuilding a life in sobriety can be overwhelming and take a lot of hard work, and can also be really rewarding. As you gain more time in sobriety, you’ll notice the void left in your life by substances fill with other things: stronger relationships, hobbies, interests, new experiences and fully realized internal reactions to them. The rhythms and focus of your life will look different not because of the absence of a substance, but because of the presence of what you’ve been able to have in sobriety.
Though dating as a sober person can feel (and be) hard, this part of things makes dating easier and more fulfilling. As you make new and often stronger friendships, you’ll be introduced to new social circles and new people, any one of whom might be a new connection. As your life expands to include cross-country skiing or ceramics or a spiritual practice or a book club, you’ll be part of new communities where you’ll meet people you share values with.
Recommended Books:
The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober: Discovering a Happy, Healthy, Wealthy Alcohol-Free Life
We Are the Luckiest: The Surprising Magic of a Sober Life
Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze
For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:
5 Fun and Interesting Lesbian First Date Ideas
3 Common Dating Dealbreakers That Shouldn’t Be
How to Actually Get Dates on Dating Apps
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