If you’re of a certain age, you might remember The Rules — a book of “time-tested secrets” for “hooking a man” with the goal of marriage. It was based heavily around trying to manipulate the behavior of your (male) date, getting him to “treat you the way you deserve.” These aren’t the kind of rules I recommend you setting for your dating life in 2025 — much like setting boundaries, rules work better when they’re centered around you, not other people. That said, setting some rules for your own sex & dating life can be transformative; not because you’re holding yourself to a rigid set of punitive standards, but because you’re defining a vision of what you want your love life to look like and linking that with behavior that makes it possible. 

Curating dates

A major part of discernment and decisionmaking in dating is deciding who you’re going to entertain dating in the first place. If we’re operating from a scarcity mindset, we may feel obligated to give anyone interested in us a shot, even if they don’t seem aligned with what we actually want in terms of our green flags (or even have some red ones). Making a set of guidelines for yourself about what merits your limited time and attention in terms of a date can help you outline what’s most important to you and what you’re actually looking for in a date or a partner. 

These are by no means universal recommendations for everyone, but examples of what you could consider. For instance, if you know you’re dating as a bottom, it might be helpful to prioritize dates with people who message you first in terms of the dynamic you want for an eventual relationship — that doesn’t mean that’s the right move for everyone. That said, you could create rules for yourself about prioritizing dates with people who:

• Message you first
• Ask you out first
• Explicitly express interest or attraction to you
• Explicitly define what they’re looking for in dating/a relationship
• Explicitly shares your same political/social values
• Share the same relationship orientation as you (monogamous/nonmonogamous/poly etc)
• Share sexual preferences with you (like kink/BDSM)
• Have demonstrable circle of friends/social support

Communication

Your communication with new dates sets a precedent for your connection almost as much as time spent in-person does; after all, so much of our contemporary relationships are mediated over text, phone and social media. You may also have safety or privacy concerns, or just healthy boundaries on your time. Some rules you might consider around talking, chatting, texting or communicating:

• Only communicating on a dating app/other app rather than texting
• Only communicating on an app that prioritizes privacy (like Signal)
• Only communicating with a number that prioritizes privacy (like Google Voice)
• Only giving out your actual phone number to people you want to see again after having a successful first date
• Chatting for a week or two before having an in-person date
• Minimizing chatting and meeting in person as soon as possible
• Having a phone call or FaceTime date first as a Covid-safe precaution
• Limits on how often you talk with people you’re not seeing seriously, ex. not texting every day

Date logistics

There’s a lot you can’t control about your dates — like whether you like each other — but there’s a lot you can, and you may find dating a lot more pleasurable and sustainable if you set some baseline rules for yourself about what dates look like for you. You may also find them safer and less of a waste of time, if either of those have been concerns for you in the past. Some rules you might try are:

• Only meeting in public places for a certain number of dates
• Only having first dates at a familiar spot you’re comfortable at (or where the staff knows you)
• Keeping first dates under a specific time limit (like 2 hours)
• Committing to first date activities that you’ll enjoy on their own merits even if you don’t hit it off with your date
• Confirming a planned date within 24 hours (and canceling it if you don’t get confirmation in that time) 
• Texting a friend the location and expected timeframe of your date (or even your date’s name or a photo of their ID)
• Explicitly discussing what you’re both looking for in a relationship on a first (or second, or third) date
• Waiting til 24 hours after the first date to decide if you want a second one

Relationship pace

If you’ve historically struggled with relationships moving too fast, it can be enormously helpful to concretely pace yourself by setting timelines or specific milestones for big relationship steps. Waiting to make some relationship commitments can help make sure that they happen because they’re the healthiest thing for the relationship, and not because you’re swept up in new relationship energy. Some rules you might make for yourself around the pace of your relationship are: 

• Waiting to have sex after a certain number of dates or amount of time
• Waiting to meet each other’s friends after a certain number of dates or amount of time
• Waiting to have a sleepover until a certain number of weeks
• Waiting to have a sleepover until you feel comfortable being serious/exclusive/having reached a specific relationship milestone
• Waiting to say “I love you” until a certain number of months
• Waiting to say “I love you” until you feel comfortable being serious/exclusive/having reached a specific relationship milestone
• Waiting to be monogamous/exclusive until a certain number of months
• Waiting to be monogamous/exclusive until you feel comfortable being serious
• Setting time limits to consider moving in together, marriage, joining your financials,

Safer sex

If you do nothing else in this article, it’s difficult to overstate how much everyone can benefit from having some personal rules for themselves around safer sex (yes, even lesbians and queer women). Whether it’s guidelines for yourself as someone pursuing casual sex or rules within your relationship, some examples of rules you might want to institute around safer sex:

• Only doing some sex acts after everyone involved has been tested for STIs
• Only doing any sex act if everyone involved has been tested for STIs
• Agreeing to test regularly while seeing each other
• Only doing some sex acts with barrier methods
• Agreeing to only use sex toys that can’t be sanitized with each other
• Agreeing to use barrier methods with other partners
• Asking about and disclosing any health conditions that might impact sex, sexual pleasure or sexual health

Recommended Books:

Rewriting the Rules: An Anti Self-Help Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships

The New Rules

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:

How to Be the Greatest First Date Ever

Navigating Cultural Differences in Dating

Our “Turn-Offs” When Dating Someone New

 

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