Dominance and submission, often referred to as D/s, involve consensual power exchange between partners. In recent years, more couples have been openly exploring these dynamics. Increased cultural visibility, easier access to information online, and evolving conversations around consent have all contributed to this shift.

 

There’s no real “normal” or “baseline” when it comes to what kind of sex people are having — all kinds of sexual expression are happening all the time in all kinds of different relationships. However, as a sex & relationships therapist, I do have a vantage point on some patterns and trends — and if it feels like people are getting kinkier, I can confirm you aren’t wrong. And the trend might be picking up with time; there’s indicators that Gen Z is the kinkiest generation yet. Why are so many couples exploring dominance and submission right now?

 

What Dominance and Submission (D/s) Are and How They Show Up in Relationships

 

When we talk about dominance and submission, we’re referring to a wide range of relationship styles and structures that involve consensual power exchange: one partner volunteering to temporarily and in certain contexts surrender control and decisionmaking, with the other partner agreeing to take on a higher level of control and decisionmaking temporarily, including control over their partner. Within that broad umbrella, there’s an enormous range of activities and dynamics that couples of all genders may be trying out. These include, but aren’t limited to:

 

• Occasional roleplaying with a scenario that includes a power dynamic, like boss/employee
• An established BDSM dynamic that includes SM play
• Vanilla sex that includes some D/s components, like being called a good girl
• Fantasizing or sexting about D/s scenes or dynamics

 

For some couples, a D/s kink dynamic might be something they try out occasionally or on special occasions, or even experiment with a few times and then decide not to pursue. For others, it’s an indispensable part of their romantic relationship and their sex life; vanilla sex may not be on the table at all. Some couples may even choose to stay in their dominant and submissive roles full-time, even outside of the bedroom.

Kink Is More Mainstream and Accessible, and Less Stigmatized

 

Kink and BDSM are more visible in mainstream culture today than in generations past, and that visibility has lowered stigma for many couples.

 

Why might more couples be exploring dominance and submission right now? One obvious answer is that more of them know what it is, or at least have enough awareness of kink and power exchange as a phenomenon that they’re motivated to explore further. Between major pop culture watershed moments like Secretary (2002), the 50 Shades of Grey books and films, and even the upcoming Pillion, D/s relationships may not exactly be a household conversation topic, but they’re certainly there to spark the imagination. Even if people don’t necessarily identify as kinky, virtually everyone is aware of it as a lifestyle option, especially compared to generations past.

 

Beyond its increased visibility, kink and BDSM are increasingly seen as normal, if not necessarily common, sexual practices, rather than inherently deviant or harmful. An increased awareness of consent as a concept has helped make legible the idea that people are engaging in kink practices because they’ve chosen to, and that consent makes the difference between an act of abuse and an enjoyable, thrilling act of sexual pleasure between two consenting parties. While most of us still wouldn’t talk about our BDSM lifestyles at, say, our jobs, or a family holiday, many people talk freely about these issues with their friend groups or bring them up with new dates to check for compatibility, something that would have been unthinkable and cause for serious social stigma even a few generations ago.

The Advent of Digital Culture Lowers Barriers to Entry for BDSM

 

Even 20 years ago, if you wanted to get explore kink or D/s relationships, your options were limited; you might look up whether there was an organization that hosted events in your city, or check a book out of the library, or maybe settle for some highly stylized and unrealistic BDSM porn.

 

Today, living in the internet age means that information, culture and connection related to BDSM are at everyone’s fingertips. It’s easy to connect with other people interested in the same things on social media, become part of a community and have your questions answered online even if you live in a more rural area, and there’s tons of books, blogs, Instagram accounts, dating advice, and yes, porn (often created by real people who really practice BDSM as a lifestyle) for people who are interested in getting into D/s dynamics. Online dating also means it’s much easier to meet and select partners who have overlapping interests with yours, rather than meeting people organically in your day to day life and hoping that they don’t think what you’re into is weird and problematic. It’s no surprise that more couples might be practicing BDSM or dominant/submissive roleplay when they have so much more information readily available on how to do so safely and with the health of their relationship in mind.

We’re Seeing a Renaissance of Rigid Gender Roles

 

At the same time as information and culture about the wide range of human sexuality has blossomed over the past 20 years, we’re also seeing a different kind of culture shift in the form of a backlash. As is often the case, our recent progress in the space of gender and sexuality (as well as an increased cultural awareness of racism, privilege, and other forms of inequity) is being met with a regressive pendulum swing in the other direction. We’re seeing a preoccupation with the idea of “tradwives,” heightened language around traditional gender roles and social media trends encouraging women and girls to pursue domesticity or a “soft life” rather than economic independence; a pro-natalism movement emphasizes the importance of having children and women’s role as mothers.

 

In this environment, it isn’t surprising that we might see a renewed interest in kink and D/s — not because D/s is about regressive or traditional gender roles; it often isn’t. But because kink often serves as a way to play with and subvert dominant cultural narratives or the rigid roles we have to play in our everyday lives. Ultimately, kink is a form of play and roleplay, and often the subjects and themes it takes up have to do with our greatest anxieties and preoccupations; when our whole culture is preoccupied with whether we’re performing the roles associated with our genders correctly and upholding the dominant power structures, it makes sense that we would find it cathartic to play with those dominant power structures in our most personal and intimate spaces.

Frequently Asked Questions About Dominance and Submission

Is dominance and submission always sexual?
No. While many couples explore D/s within sexual contexts, others incorporate power exchange into roleplay, ritual, or broader relationship dynamics.

 

Is BDSM the same as dominance and submission?
Dominance and submission is one component of BDSM. BDSM can also include bondage, sensation play, and other negotiated dynamics.

 

What makes a D/s relationship healthy?
Clear communication, consent, negotiated boundaries, and the ability to pause or renegotiate at any time.

 

Understanding why more couples are exploring dominance and submission highlights how important consent, communication, and sexual alignment are in long-term relationships. At Little Gay Book, our work in sex coaching supports individuals and couples in talking about desire, boundaries, and compatibility with more clarity and confidence.

 

Dr. Frankie Bashan is a licensed psychologist, sex therapist, and professional matchmaker with over 17 years of experience working with LGBTQ+ individuals and couples. She specializes in relational dynamics, communication, and sexual compatibility. She is the founder of Little Gay Book and host of the Love, Laughs and Lessons podcast.

 

Recommended Books:

Playing Well With Others

The New Topping Book

The Dominance Playbook:

 

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