Most of us would love to have a sitcom-esque social life where all our favorite people are constantly hanging out together in one big group at our favorite coffee shop or on our living room couch. In reality, our social circles are often much more fragmented — and sometimes, our most important relationships don’t mesh at all. If you’re finding that your romantic partner and your friend(s) aren’t getting along, it can be frustrating to figure out how to juggle these relationships and manage their friction with each other — here’s how I recommend approaching it.
Consider the Source of Their Concern
Not all conflict between your partner and friends means someone is wrong. Understanding the source of their concerns can help you decide how seriously to take them.
Obviously it’s upsetting (and inconvenient) when the most important people in our lives don’t get along or think well of each other. It can really hurt our feelings when someone we love doesn’t want a close relationship with someone else we love; we can feel very defensive on their behalf, or even like we ourselves are being rejected. Especially if you’re planning to share your life with this partner in a big way, like moving in together or having kids, it can feel impossible to maintain a friendship in a real way if it’s not aligned with your relationship.
All of these are completely fair ways to feel. However, before jumping to a place of resentment, conflict or detachment with your friend and/or partner who’s expressing dislike or concern, it might be worth taking a beat to hear them out. Sometimes, when one person in our life is expressing concern about someone else we’re close to, it’s because they see signs that we’re genuinely in a toxic or abusive situation, and are trying to care for you by letting you know about it (even if they aren’t always doing it in a way that feels good). What issues are being raised? Are they more superficial concerns — about how pleasant the other person is to be around, or their taste or sense of humor? Is it just that their personalities don’t gel? Or are the concerns being raised around how the other person treats you — that they’re demeaning, controlling, or even lovebombing you?
If it’s the latter, it may be worth talking with other people in your life (and/or a trained therapist) to see if they share similar concerns. While it can be hard to hear, sometimes other people in our lives can see patterns and trends in our partnerships that we aren’t able to see until much later and at great cost.
Allow Everyone Their Own Opinion (Within Limits)
Healthy relationships allow room for differing opinions while maintaining respectful boundaries about how those opinions are expressed.
If your friends and partner’s concerns with each other aren’t cause for alarm but are proving to be intractable, it’s helpful to set some ground rules for everyone involved about how to move forward. In many ways, this is a lot like managing an extended family dynamic where not everyone gets along. Boundaries are key here — both setting them and maintaining them even against social pressure.
It’s likely not helpful to try to change your friends or partner’s minds about each other; try as we might, it’s pretty much impossible to mandate what someone else thinks or feels. You also run some risks if you make a rule that you won’t hear any criticism about the other person under any circumstances. Most of us grew up with the rule “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” If your rule is that you’re only willing to hear complimentary things about the other person, you may find that your relationship grows much more distant as the other person tries to avoid conflict with you. Pursuing a goal of total and unconditional positive regard may also mean that you deprive yourself of the opportunity to share any concerns you may have about your partner or friend because you’re too worried about tarnishing their reputation or affirming previously held opinions — and it’s crucial to have a support network in which you can talk openly about both your romantic relationships and your friendships.
While it can be difficult, try thinking about what kinds of criticism you’re willing to accept that your loved ones hold about each other and what feels like it’s crossing a line about what you should have to hear about someone you love. Maybe you think it’s fine for your partner to rib your friend about her habit of being chronically late to things, but you aren’t okay with hearing criticism or eye rolling around her difficult family dynamics. It’s possible that you don’t want to hear your friend’s complaints about how your partner dresses, but you feel like you have to hear her out when she says they’re not spending enough quality time with you.
In these cases, it’s key to communicate these expectations to your loved ones about what you do and don’t find appropriate in your relationships with them, even if it feels hard. And maintaining boundaries around this means that you need to continue to enforce this every time it comes up, going so far as being willing to change the topic or end the conversation if need be.
Set Expectations for Spending Time Together
When people in your life don’t naturally get along, setting clear expectations can reduce tension and make shared events more enjoyable for everyone.
If you know your friend(s) and partner don’t like each other, you probably aren’t inviting them over for intimate one-on-one dinners together. That said, if these are close relationships in your life, there will inevitably be social settings where they’re going to run into each other or are expected to spend time together: parties, important events, group hangs and social outings, etc. Ideally, your friend and partner are happy to give each other space and keep a respectful distance if they aren’t able to get on the same page — but it doesn’t hurt to talk with them to intentionally address this issue and come to an agreement on how spending time together should be handled. The goal doesn’t need to be making anyone get along who doesn’t do so naturally, but making sure that everyone at this social event is able to enjoy themselves as much as possible (including you!)
Frequently Asked Questions About Partner and Friend Conflict
Is it normal if my partner and friends don’t get along?
Yes. Not everyone in your life has to become close friends. Respect and healthy boundaries are often more important than friendship.
Should I be worried if my friends don’t like my partner?
It depends on the reasons. Personality differences are common, but concerns about controlling, abusive, or disrespectful behavior deserve serious attention.
What if my partner asks me to stop seeing a friend?
It’s important to understand why. Healthy relationships support appropriate friendships, while attempts to isolate you from supportive people can be a warning sign.
How do I set boundaries when people criticize each other?
Clearly communicate what types of conversations are acceptable and what crosses the line. Consistently reinforce those boundaries when needed.
Can these relationships improve over time?
Sometimes. While not everyone becomes close, mutual respect often grows when expectations are realistic and boundaries are maintained.
If you’re feeling caught between your partner and the important people in your life, our coaching services can help you strengthen communication, establish healthy boundaries, and navigate complex relationship dynamics with greater confidence.
Dr. Frankie Bashan is a licensed psychologist, AASECT-certified sex therapist, professional matchmaker, and founder of Little Gay Book. For over 17 years, she has helped LGBTQ+ individuals and couples build healthier relationships, improve communication, strengthen boundaries, and navigate complex relationship dynamics. She is also the host of the Love, Laughs and Lessons podcast.
Recommended Books:
Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides)
The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More
For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:
What to Do When Your Partner and Your Parents Don’t Get Along
Diving Back Into Dating After a Toxic Relationship
How to Set Boundaries that Actually Work
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