How to Step Out of Your Sexual Comfort Zone
We all have things we’re more comfortable and familiar with sexually. For some of us it might look like strap-on sex with a long-term partner, while for others it might look like kinky threesomes. As long as you’re practicing strong communication and enthusiastic consent, it’s okay to be exactly where you are and no practice is better than any other.
But sometimes, it’s good to check in with yourself to make sure you’re in your comfort zone because you want to be, not because you’re afraid to leave it. Looking beyond your current horizons can broaden them, be a way to try new things, encourage you to go deeper into your desires and where they come from, help you be more open to new experiences, and encourage you to grow. So what do you do you get started? Here’s how to step out of your sexual comfort zone.
Practice Consuming a Wide Selection of Porn and Erotica
The sexual comfort zone is layered with not only what we do in bed and how we do it, but also who we do it with. Reading a wide selection of erotica can paint a picture of the different paths that fantasies can take – edited anthologies are especially great for giving you the best opportunity to find a story where you connect with both the fantasy and the writing – and should definitely be part of expanding your sexual practice. (Also, they’re fun.)
But watching a wide selection of porn with a wide selection of people interacting in a wide selection of ways is an extremely underrated and extremely important way to engage with different representations of desire, not only for how it can broaden the desire you show towards other people, but for how it can broaden the acceptance and desire you feel towards yourself .
I’ve heard the critique that no one in queer porn is hot – which is just untrue. Everyone in queer porn is hot. It is true, however, that queer porn stars often transcend heteropatriarchy’s narrow definitions of hotness as thin, white, cis, able-bodied, and presenting in a narrow selection of ways. If you have never watched queer porn because you just don’t find anyone in it attractive, it’s worth reflecting on what messaging about beauty and bodies you’ve internalized that have led you to that conclusion. Then, work to expand.
Consider the place you are now a beginning, rather than an end. Seek out three queer porn scenes with setups you find hot, but that feature stars to whom you might not normally be drawn. Then, seek out three scenes with people you find hot, but with actions or set-ups that are outside of your usual repertoire . (If you never watch porn, there’s no time like a pandemic; I recommend director Shine Houston’s award-winning Crash Pad Series. While you watch, pay attention to the moments that challenge your view of what’s hot. Where does the resistance live in your body? While giving yourself permission to feel that, where can you also connect with moments of desire?
Investigate Your Own Desires and Boundaries
Sometimes, it can be helpful to have a framework for where you’re starting so you can have a better perspective on where you want to go. Working with a yes/no/maybe list can be a way to create that framework and get in touch with lots of different elements of your sexuality. A website to consider checking out is www.scarleteen.com. Scarleteen’s yes/no/maybe article focuses on safer sex, sexual responses, and vanilla sexual actions; That Other Paper has a queer-specific, more visual worksheet. Take your time alone to work through the list over a few days, really sitting with and thinking about each item. When you’re not thinking about what you should want and are just thinking about what you want, where does each item fall on your list?
When you’re done, focus on the yeses and the maybes. What are you already happy with or bringing into your sex life, with partners or alone? What do you want to make more room for?
Share Your Desires and Boundaries with a Partner
If you have a partner, doing a yes/no/maybe list alone separately and then bringing them together can help you identify new places to explore. If you’ve each said “yes” to something but haven’t tried it together, what can you do to introduce it into your sex lives? If someone wrote “yes” for something and someone else wrote “maybe,” what does having a conversation around that look like? (Like any conversation around sex, have the conversation in a time and location where you’re not actively trying to have sex if you want the best chance of success.) There might be more room to explore together than you think.
Bisexual Erasure Is Real. Here’s What You Need To Know
Though the numbers vary according to who you ask, bisexuals seem to make up approximately half the population of lesbians and bisexual women, according to a metastudy by the Williams Institute. Yet bisexual people are often questioned, invalidated, and erased. They might hear that everyone is bisexual. They might hear that no one is. They might hear that they’re not gay enough, not straight enough, and in denial either way. They might hear that they’re erasing nonbinary and genderqueer folks, or that they can’t be nonbinary or genderqueer themselves. They might hear that they’re going through a phase, or don’t belong in the community (either community), or have more diseases. They might hear that they can’t be monogamous or trusted. They might hear that they’re sluts. They might hear that they’re soooo radical (just for dating two genders) or incredibly conservative (because their sexual identity seems to be based on only two genders).
All these things can be false, and they can also be true. If we go deeper, the myths and facts around bisexuality just draw fake lines around who is a “good” bisexual who should be included in the community and who is a “bad” bisexual who is making it harder for everyone else. But identity has a lot more nuance – and bisexuality itself is a perfect way to talk about why this nuance is so important to bring into sexual identity conversations.
So, What Is Bisexuality?
“As with many other concepts in minority world cultures (such as feminism, for example, or radical politics), it seems as though many people are sure that they know what bisexuality means, when there is far more to the concept,” writes Esner in Bi: Notes on a Bisexual Revolution. Esner thinks about contemporary bisexuality along the lines of desire, community, and politics.
Bisexuality Is Desire
When it comes to one idea around desire, bisexual activist Robyn Ochs says, “I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex, and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.” Another idea around desire is “the same and different,” meaning attracted to people of your same gender and to people of (one or many) different gender(s), which Esner says can help us “become aware to differences, hierarchies, and borders, and to start working at pulling them apart.” In an example of this, A.E. Osworth writes on newly seeing their desire as bisexual as a trans person, “And yes I suppose I am bisexual, if what we are talking about is kissing people who share your gender and people who do not && their desire has to be large enough to hold me, all of me: the gender && the presentation && the sexuality. The whole cookie; all of me is vast. I have never been good at picking just one && why should I be when the world is big and I am big in it?”
Bisexuality Is Community
When it comes to community, Esner identifies that “bisexual” can act like an umbrella for non-monosexual identities that emphasizes multiplicity, in the same way that “trans” can include lots of different gender identities. There can be room for people who experiment, or who had one type of sexual and/or romantic experience when they were younger and do something different now, and anyone else who feels that the label applies to them.
Bisexuality Is Political
And when it comes to politics, Esner notes that often, we get trapped in thinking that if we just validate bisexual people, the work will be done. Myths and myth-busting make bisexuals look like tame, “good” sexual citizens and so erases anyone who isn’t. The discussion shouldn’t be “bisexual people are sluts!” “no they’re not!” and should instead be about how we can include everyone. Radical sexual political work doesn’t begin and end with using a label, but by beginning to look at the binaries we impose on the world around us, we can begin to deconstruct deeper patterns of exclusion and control.
Biphobia, Monosexism, And Bi Erasure Are About So Much More Than People “Just Not Trusting” Bisexuals
As Esner writes in, “Oppression of any one group doesn’t happen in isolation, but parallels, draws from, and intersects with that of others. Further, these types of oppression don’t only exist in the ‘outside’ world, separate from various communities and movements, but also affect them from within. For this reason, ignoring other types of oppression in favor of ‘single issue’ politics means reinforcing them.” According to the SFHRC report “Bisexual Invisibility,” bisexuals face greater physical and mental health issues and domestic violence (from any monosexual partners), and are more likely to be suicidal. The consequences of bi erasure are real. It’s time to acknowledge that bisexuals exist. It’s time to acknowledge that sexuality is far more nuanced, complex, and beautiful than a binary or a spectrum.
Start the New Year off Right with a New Masturbation Routine
Congratulations on making it to 2022! The start of any new year is full of resolutions, expectations, hopes, and dreams. Maybe you plan to finally Kondo your closets. Maybe you’re committing to a body composition goal. Maybe you’re determined to crush it in your professional life. In many ways, the self-imposed pressure is on to not only make the usual January positive transformations in our lives, but also to not let 2021 get us down any longer.
Which is why for 2022, I recommend making new masturbation routine one of your top New Year’s resolutions.
Here’s why, and how to get started.
Why Make Masturbation Your New Year’s Resolution?
In an ideal world, our solo sex lives would be as filled with joy, exploration, excitement, and pleasure as our partnered sex lives can be. But in reality, that doesn’t always happen. Maybe you masturbate in order to, to paraphrase Samantha Irby, make your vagina sneeze so you can go about your day without taking off your shoes. Maybe you aren’t comfortable with acknowledging that masturbation is important within committed relationship(s). Maybe 2020 took it out of you and you just aren’t feeling super sexual right now.
Whatever the case, masturbation might not be your focus right now – which is exactly why it should be.
Masturbation can be a great way to get present in and (re)connect with your body. It releases like dopamine and oxytocin, which can help you self-regulate, feel good, and destress. It can also help you release any shame you have about your body, your sexual fantasies and desires, or your sexual responses. And because you’ll be overall more in touch with your body, you’ll be better able to communicate what you like with a partner around if you have one, too.
So How Do You Build A Better Solo Sex Life?
Put it in your calendar. Like with partnered sex, sometimes solo sex can’t happen unless you carve out time to make it happen. If you’re balancing any number of stressors, like work, family, and a global pandemic, putting masturbation on your (personal) calendar can be a way to commit to taking it as seriously and making it as much a part of your routine as you would therapy or Yoga with Adriene. Sitting there thinking that you’d love to do this but you don’t have even five minutes to yourself throughout the day? This could be the perfect excuse to start making time for yourself. No, seriously, you do not even have five minutes for this? Okay. You might find it efficient to combine masturbation and your shower, masturbation and your morning coffee, or masturbation and falling asleep instead. If you’re still recoiling at the very thought, it’s worth sitting with that feeling and examining why making your pleasure a priority is so challenging for you.
Try a new sex toy or two. Getting a new vibrator, butt plug, or other sex toy can be a good way to incentivize yourself to explore. Worried that getting down with a vibrator will make you unable to come without one? First of all, there’s nothing wrong with not being able to orgasm without a vibrator. Second of all, you don’t have to use one if you don’t want to. And third of all, Journal of Sexual Medicine found that: “Vibrator use was significantly related to several aspects of sexual function (i.e., desire, arousal, lubrication, orgasm, pain, overall function) with recent vibrator users scoring higher on most sexual function domains, indicating more positive sexual function.” Plus, most women in the study did not report “genital symptoms” associated with using a vibrator. In other words? Go wild.
Try a 30-day masturbation challenge. I get it: it can be intimidating to make a commitment that can last the rest of your life. Make it easier to get started with a 30-day masturbation challenge, where you commit to masturbating for 10 (or more) minutes a day for 30 days in a row. Put it in your calendar, wash your hands, and start to explore.
Whether you own 50 sex toys or zero, try to do something different each time. Used to making specific circles clockwise in one spot with your dominant hand? What does it feel like if you go diagonally instead, or counter-clockwise, or use your other hand? What about horizontally? What about vertically? You can take this as an opportunity to try out a butt plug for the first time, and I strongly encourage you to do so. But you can also take it as an opportunity to go deep on getting in touch with the types of masturbation with which you’re already familiar and to try new things within and outside of your comfort zone. Your oyster is your oyster.
Why Rejection Is Good
Most of us don’t grow up learning to think of rejection as a good thing. We often internalize the opposite: the idea that rejection is bad, that it’s a personal indictment of us and everything about us, that we should try to avoid it at all costs, and that if we can’t, we’ve somehow failed. In this understanding, when we face rejection, we face a door slamming in our face. But rejection opens far more doors than it closes. Here’s why getting good at rejection is actually a secret superpower for dating – and life – success.
Rejection Opens Doors
You read that right: rejection may seem like a door closing, but it’s actually a lot of other doors creaking open, especially when you’re dating. Think of it like this: dating, whether it’s a first date or a fifteenth or five years in, depends on two people who want to relate to each other. If someone doesn’t want to be there, that’s it.
This means that hearing “no” from one person opens up the chance of hearing “yes” from another. Can it feel a little vulnerable to put yourself out there and make a move, whether with a stranger over an app, a longtime crush, or anyone else? Yes. And is it better to do that sooner rather than later? Also yes. Why waste time and energy on someone who may or may not be interested when you can find out for sure and either start something together or move on?
How To Respond When You Get Rejected
If you receive a rejection, whether from a potential first date, a one-night stand, or anything else, the best – and sometimes the hardest – thing you can do is to quickly end the interaction and move on. A warm smile and a “thank you for letting me know” followed by a graceful exit leave everyone feeling like their boundaries have been respected. You might want to know the reasons behind the no – but ultimately, they do not matter, and what’s important is to not prove them right by pushing for more information after you’ve already received your answer.
If You’re Good At Getting Rejected, You’ll Get Good At Giving Rejections
Getting good at rejecting people, situations, and opportunities that aren’t right for you is just as important as gracefully accepting rejection yourself. Rejection is partly about boundaries – other people’s, but also our own. You do not have to say yes to everything and everyone that comes your way. You even do not have to say yes to everything and everyone who could be extremely promising who comes your way. The flip side of the “getting rejected means something about me” narrative is the “rejecting someone is hurtful” narrative, and neither is true.
Imagine you get a job offer that’s good on paper but just for you. Would you think twice, or would you simply thank them for their interest, say no, and move on? It’s not a judgement on them; it’s a statement about what you need for you. You can’t say yes to what’s right unless you say no to what what’s wrong. You’re not saying, “this is an insulting offer and you deserve bankruptcy,” you’re saying, “this isn’t for me.” It’s not personal.
In exactly the same way, you rejecting someone else isn’t about them; it’s about you. It’s about your boundaries, your needs, your desires, your wants. Every single person is not a match for every single other person, and that’s okay. That’s actually beautiful. It makes our connections with those who are matches that much stronger. And the only way to find those connections is to get used to saying – and hearing – “no” over and over.
Try To Get As Many Rejections As Possible
The only thing rejection means about you is that you put yourself out there and took a risk. If you don’t take more risks, you can’t get used to rejection – and the less used to it you are, the more you’ll let your ideas about what it “means” take the lead.
If you’re trying to increase your comfort level with getting rejected, gamify it. The only thing you can control is whether you put yourself in a position to be rejected, so try this: your goal is to be rejected for a date five times in two weeks. If you ask someone for a date and she says yes, that’s great! But it doesn’t count. That’s not a rejection. Does five (or more) asks in two weeks seem ambitious? Maybe. But it’s exactly an ambitious goal like that that will get you out of your own way and encourage you to focus more on the attempts than the results.
You can’t control how people or circumstances respond to you. You can only control how you respond to them. By putting yourself in positions where you might hear “no” over and over,
How EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) Can Help Your Relationship & Your Life
To want love is part of our human nature and our human journey. In fact, that’s why we’re here—to connect, to give and receive love, and to express love. The quest to understand love (specifically, romantic love) has driven human beings since the dawn of time.
Regardless of your age, race, sex, gender, sexual orientation, where you grew up, where you were educated (or not), who raised you (or didn’t), what you do for a living, and what your beliefs are—deep down, you probably want love, because you’re a human being and we all want love.
Sue Johnson, a well-renowned clinical psychologist, couples therapist, author, and co-developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) says:
“Human beings may be very different, but in our hearts we all want the same thing—a loving partner who offers us comfort and connection, so that life’s joys can be savored and hurts can be tolerated and survived. We are wired for connection. Nothing is more toxic for us than emotional isolation.” (Watch her 2-minute video here .)
Her work is driven by research and is based on the science of attachment and bonding. Her work helps couples deepen their connection, increase emotional intimacy between each other, repair hurts, and solve the problem of emotional isolation.
Emotional Isolation is Not Good for Us
Our pursuit of love, and our desire to create and nurture a loving relationship with the right person, gives our life meaning and direction. Beyond that, a loving relationship provides a feeling of comfort, safety, and stability in an ever-changing world. When you have a strong, healthy bond with your partner, it deepens your connection.
Love is worth pursuing, because it creates that feeling of connection we all seek. The opposite of connection is emotional isolation—which makes us feel like we’re completely alone on a planet with over 7.6 billion people.
Love is what makes us feel connected to other people. And if we feel connected, that’s a good antidote to feeling isolated.
Being alone and feeling “isolated” are two different things. You can be alone and enjoy your own company. You can be with people and feel isolated—i.e., not seen, not heard, not understood, not appreciated, ostracized, or simply disconnected.
“The way of the miracle-worker is to see all human behavior as one of two things:
either love, or a call for love.”
― Marianne Williamson
It’s Completely Normal to Want Love
You should never feel embarrassed or ashamed for wanting love. It’s a natural, normal, healthy desire and a part of being human.
You should never feel embarrassed or ashamed for wanting a loving relationship either. It takes effort to find that special person, but it’s worth putting in the effort…because of all the joys in life you can savor together, and all the hurts that can be tolerated and survived (as Sue Johnson says). Having a partner, having that love in your life—gives you someone to lean on, and vice versa.
Loving Another Person Begins With Loving Yourself
One of the best ways to attract love from a potential partner is to first start by loving yourself. See yourself in a positive light, appreciate yourself, be compassionate with yourself, take care of yourself, and do things that make you feel invigorated—even if you’re not with another person.
This can look like preparing a healthy meal for yourself, taking online fitness classes that intrigue you, cleaning your home, replacing light bulbs that are out (that annoy you), making your environment beautiful, taking a luxurious bubble bath, or taking care of something you know you need to take care of. These simple acts of self-love lift your energy and make you attractive to others.
The act of loving yourself creates a feeling of abundance in you, which also is very attractive to a potential partner. When you eventually find that special person and start to build a loving relationship with them, remember that love is something you give to other people—not just take. It’s not like a “transaction,” where you’re exchanging something for something else. But there does need to be a natural, healthy give and take, where both people are expressing love towards each other.
Even if you don’t have a romantic partner, you can also express love towards a family member, a child, or even a pet.
Are You Ready for Love?
Although every human wants love, some of us might not be ready for love. We might not be ready to allow that special relationship to come into our life. We might not be willing to be open and vulnerable with another person. We may need to work on ourselves, heal our internal wounds or insecurities, or simply stop hating the dating process .
Our emotional readiness, coupled with practical skills like knowing how to not sabotage a date , knowing how to communicate well during a date , and being comfortable with expressing vulnerability, gives us the greatest chance of finding real, lasting love.
All About the Pelvic Floor: What It Is, and How It’s Impacting Your Sex Life, Self Esteem, and More
Ladies! If you’re reading this…congratulations, you have a pelvic floor! Everyone, regardless of their sex or gender, has a pelvic floor. None of us would be able to go to the bathroom without one.
Why should you care about the health of your pelvic floor? Because it can impact everything from your lesbian sex life and your ability to enjoy sex, to your self-esteem (whether you’re “too loose” or “too tight”)…and some “TMI” topics that we’re about to dive into.
What is the Pelvic Floor?
Your “pelvic floor” is comprised of three layers of muscle that connect your pubic bone in the front of your body to your coccyx in the back. The coccyx is the small, triangular bone at the base of your spine, also known as your tailbone. These layers of muscle keep everything below tucked inside. They allow you to perform essential functions, such as peeing, with relative ease and comfort. (Sexy stuff, I know!)
For many women, pelvic floor health has become a more prominent topic lately.
Common Pelvic Floor Problems
Have you recently had any of the following issues? (Don’t worry; I won’t tell anyone.)
• You constantly need to use the bathroom
• You can’t “go” (constipation) or you can’t control the flow (incontinence)
• It hurts to poop (evacuation)
• It hurts during sex (you feel a ripping, burning, or tearing sensation—ouch)
• You have lower back pain (ugh)
• You feel ongoing pain in your pelvic region with or without needing to pee
These are all common signs that may indicate that you aren’t relaxing and using your pelvic floor muscles correctly. Depending on who you ask, these may be a sign of pelvic floor dysfunction (PFD).
I prefer to think of these issues as an invitation to get to know your pelvic floor. You can start practicing using the muscles, squeezing them, and relaxing them “on demand” like Netflix.
Are You “Too Tight” or “Too Loose”? (Or Somewhere In Between?)
Like any muscle, the pelvic floor muscles can be “too tight” or “too loose.”
When you’re too tight, it means the muscles holding everything in can’t stretch or expand to let anything out…or in (if you know what I mean). Inserting your fingers, a toy, or even a tampon can feel painful. It can feel like a ripping, tearing, or burning sensation.
If you’re too loose, that means the pelvic floor muscles have been stretched out to the point where they can’t contract. A “too loose” pelvic floor can feel like incontinence. Think: peeing a little when you sneeze (“peezing”), or feeling like you always have to pee, but can’t hold it. This looseness can happen as a result of weight gain, injury or trauma to the pelvic area, genetics, or even pregnancy.
…And maybe the problem isn’t purely physical at all. Maybe there’s an emotional component to it, in which case, a therapist or counselor who specializes in sex-related issues may help. Here’s a great resource . (You may also reach out to me for sex therapy services .)
Sexual Discomfort from Pelvic Floor Issues
According to the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, there are no known physiological differences between lesbian women and straight women. So pelvic floor problems can bother you whether you’re a lesbian or other sexual orientation.
If you’re too tight or too loose (or somewhere in between), you can experience a lack of pleasurable sensation during sex. One study showed that pelvic floor disorders were associated with lower libido, infrequent orgasm, and decreased arousal. Out of 282 participants in the study, 5 (1.7%) were homosexual, 2 (0.7%) were bisexual, and (97.6%) were heterosexual.
Don’t Feel Shame Over This Stuff
It’s estimated that 1 in 3 women will suffer from some kind of pelvic pain in their lives, whether it’s during sex or in daily life. If that’s you, you’re not alone. You don’t have to be in pain forever. You don’t have to feel embarrassment or feel bad about any of this. You deserve to feel good in your own body . And you deserve to fully enjoy sex.
For that to happen, you need a healthy pelvic floor with strong muscles. “Tight and strong are two very different concepts. We want strong pelvic floor muscles. We want the muscles to function optimally,” says Dr. Francesca Warner.
As with any muscle, it just takes some practice, getting used to working with it, and knowing what you’re doing. It’s your pelvic floor, so have some fun with it!
How to Work with Your Pelvic Floor
Depending on how severe your pelvic floor issues are, you can either explore natural solutions on your own…or, for severely injured muscles, you may wish to consult with a physical therapist.
Lesbian Dating: When She Doesn’t Fall From the Sky, What next?
Your perfect partner is not going to fall out of thin air. She’s not going to just show up at your door one day and introduce herself. They’re not going to catch your eye from across a crowded space and not stop until you’re theirs. She’s not going to organically fall into your lap with no effort from you whatsoever.
As a professional lesbian matchmaker, I’ve worked with hundreds of women looking for “the one.” Or at least, they say they’re looking for the one. What they really want is to meet their perfect woman, effortlessly. A sense of fun and adventure, but down to earth. Successful but not a workaholic. Physically fit but not obsessive about it. Supportive but independent. Responsible but spontaneous. Secure in her single status but open to a healthy, loving, committed long-term relationship.
This woman exists, and she is everywhere. So why haven’t you found her?
Since I started Little Gay Book in 2009, I’ve heard countless women share their dating struggles. Though everyone’s individual circumstances are slightly different, the struggles are so similar. You’re too busy to date. Or you don’t know where to meet queer women and people. You think your type is impossible to find. Or you can find her but you have no idea how to date successfully. You believe everyone but you has baggage. And so on. I recognized the need for a system for lesbian women to meet each other, to get out of their comfort zones, and actually connect, face-to-face. Through my experience working with single lesbians, I’ve learned the most common dating problems and how to overcome them.
If you’re serious about finding the lesbian of your dreams, here are my seven tips to actually find her.
1. Dating is a numbers game .
It takes seven dates with seven different women to meet someone with whom you connect. That’s right: SEVEN. And yet most of us do more research into a new car than we do on a compatible partner. Dating requires time and resources. You have to make time for dinner, coffee, drinks, and walks with strangers to find out if you want to get to know each other. If you want a relationship to be part of your life, then you have to prioritize it just like you would anything else important to you. You would want your date to do the same for you.
2. Dating is not U-Hauling.
Instant monogamy might protect us from being alone, but when we choose convenience over true compatibility, it doesn’t last. If you love each other and believe the relationship will last enough to decide to move in together, then the relationship will last if you decide to wait a year, too. Moving too fast is a way to avoid being alone – but being alone can be a way to be a better partner. If it’s going to last, it will last if you don’t move too fast. If it isn’t, why would you move in together anyway?
3. Lesbian dating isn’t really about dating – it’s about you.
Sure, you might have a laundry list of what you’re looking for in a partner. But what can you offer in return? Who are you when you’re being the best possible version of yourself, and how can you take steps to bring that person closer? If you want a partner who is financially secure, how can you practice that yourself? If you want someone who’s physically strong, how can you strengthen yourself? When was the last time you took a hard look at what in your wardrobe actually suits you and donated what doesn’t?
If you don’t approach life with a growth and curiosity mindset, why would anyone else approach you that way? Practice real self-care, get good at hanging out with yourself, and heal from your past as you step forwards into your future.
4. Dig deeper.
The work of self-improvement has to go deeper than a closet clear out and a new haircut.
Old issues are not going to solve themselves. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve worked with and recognized a need for therapy, or a serious realignment of expectations.
If you’re still carrying around old baggage, set it down for good through therapy or self-help. Admitting you have issues is not the end of the world. Showing that you’re working on them is much more attractive than denying that they’re there. A great partner cannot repair your lack of trust, dissolve your fear of intimacy, or help you get over your ex. It’s not her job to fix you. It’s yours.
5. Forgive your exes.
If you’re still struggling with old guilt, sadness, or just general malaise about your ex, the best thing you can do for the health of your future romantic relationships is to forgive her. Don’t do it for her, do it for yourself. Write a letter that you will never send. Write down all the ways your relationship was bad and held you back, and then all the ways you’re grateful for your time together. Once you’ve said everything you’ve had to say until there is nothing left to write, stop. Then burn the letter.
Closure comes from within. Making peace with your past and releasing resentment will open your heart to a whole new world of possibilities.
Are you Limiting Yourself in Dating?
As a professional lesbian matchmaker, I’ve often seen people limit themselves in terms of who they think they’d be attracted to or compatible with. They tend to base their dating preferences on what they’re used to. In many cases, they want to date someone who’s similar to them, or similar to their previous partners—usually the same race, cultural background, or socioeconomic status.
It’s almost frustrating to me, because I see people turning away good potential dates who might turn out to be a great match for them…simply due to the color of their skin or where they came from. (And not because their date has legit red flags.)
Just because someone is very different from you doesn’t mean they can’t be your perfect match. In fact, differences can not only be a source of attraction, but also a source of growth for you. Yes—even significant differences like race, culture, and socioeconomic status.
Let’s dive into why you shouldn’t limit yourself in dating.
A Quick Self-Honesty Check: Do You Have Limiting ‘Preferences’ in Dating?
If you’re looking for love and/or a long-term partner…do you automatically have an idea of what your perfect lesbian match looks like? Is that idea limited to a certain race, cultural background, or socioeconomic status? Does it automatically exclude people of certain races, cultures, or statuses? If so, then you might be limiting your dating potential and your ability to find the perfect partner for you.
Let’s say a person is white/Caucasian and has a history of only dating other white/Caucasian people. They might assume that dating another white/Caucasian person is their only option. But it’s not. This idea closes off a whole world of potential partners to that person. It closes off richness, texture, depth, life experiences, and memories that could have been created otherwise.
It’s important to recognize that just because something is unfamiliar to you doesn’t mean you won’t be interested in it.
Exposure Can Lead to Interest
In order to develop an interest in something, you usually need exposure.
There’s a psychological phenomenon known as the “mere exposure effect,” which suggests that people tend to develop a preference for things (or other people) that are familiar to them.
This was observed by a scholar and social psychologist, Robert Zajonc. In his research, he noticed that when organisms were exposed to something new (or novel), this elicited a fear/avoidance response in them. However, each time the organisms were exposed to the novel stimulus again, their fear decreased and they developed more interest in it. After repeat exposure, the organisms started behaving fondly towards what was once new, novel, and scary.
In dating terms…this means if you have repeat exposure to people who are different than you, you might start developing an interest (or a fondness) in dating those people.
If someone was raised in an environment that was ethnically diverse, they’ll likely be more open to dating a more diverse range of people—verses someone who has primarily been around Caucasian people their whole life. If a person was never exposed to different races or people of different cultural backgrounds growing up, they probably won’t be open to dating those people later in life.
Like Zajonc’s research subjects, they might even have a fear/avoidance response when they see someone who’s ‘different’ than them.
The way to change this is to simply give yourself the experience of ‘exposure.’
Put yourself in situations where you’ll meet diverse people from all backgrounds—not just yours. Dare to go on a date with someone who’s different from you. Dare to have a conversation with someone of a different race, culture, or socioeconomic status as you. Don’t limit yourself based on what you assume you’ll be attracted to…or what you’re used to.
You never know what possibilities could open up for you, unless you give it a try!
(P.S. If you’d like support in opening up your dating options and giving yourself exposure to more people, consider hiring me as your lesbian dating and relationship coach!)
It’s Healthy to Want Love – And Here’s Why
To want love is part of our human nature and our human journey. In fact, that’s why we’re here—to connect, to give and receive love, and to express love. The quest to understand love (specifically, romantic love) has driven human beings since the dawn of time.
Regardless of your age, race, sex, gender, sexual orientation, where you grew up, where you were educated (or not), who raised you (or didn’t), what you do for a living, and what your beliefs are—deep down, you probably want love, because you’re a human being and we all want love.
Sue Johnson, a well-renowned clinical psychologist, couples therapist, author, and co-developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) says:
“Human beings may be very different, but in our hearts, we all want the same thing—a loving partner who offers us comfort and connection, so that life’s joys can be savored and hurts can be tolerated and survived. We are wired for connection. Nothing is more toxic for us than emotional isolation.” (Watch her 2-minute video here .)
Her work is driven by research and is based on the science of attachment and bonding. Her work helps couples deepen their connection, increase emotional intimacy with each other, repair hurts, and solve the problem of emotional isolation.
Emotional Isolation is Not Good for Us
Our pursuit of love, and our desire to create and nurture a loving relationship with the right person, give our life meaning and direction. Beyond that, a loving relationship provides a feeling of comfort, safety, and stability in an ever-changing world. When you have a strong, healthy bond with your partner, it deepens your connection.
Love is worth pursuing because it creates that feeling of connection we all seek. The opposite of connection is emotional isolation—which makes us feel like we’re completely alone on a planet with over 7.6 billion people.
Love is what makes us feel connected to other people. And if we feel connected, that’s a good antidote to feeling isolated.
Being alone and feeling “isolated” are two different things. You can be alone and enjoy your own company. You can be with people and feel isolated—i.e., not seen, not heard, not understood, not appreciated, ostracized, or simply disconnected.
“The way of the miracle-worker is to see all human behavior as one two things:
either love or a call for love.”
― Marianne Williamson
It’s Completely Normal to Want Love
You should never feel embarrassed or ashamed for wanting love. It’s a natural, normal, healthy desire and a part of being human.
You should never feel embarrassed or ashamed for wanting a loving relationship either. It takes effort to find that special person, but it’s worth putting in the effort…because of all the joys in life you can savor together, and all the hurts that can be tolerated and survived (as Sue Johnson says). Having a partner, having that love in your life—gives you someone to lean on and vice versa.
Loving Another Person Begins With Loving Yourself
One of the best ways to attract love from a potential partner is to first start by loving yourself. See yourself in a positive light, appreciate yourself, be compassionate with yourself, take care of yourself, and do things that make you feel invigorated—even if you’re not with another person.
This can look like preparing a healthy meal for yourself, taking online fitness classes that intrigue you, cleaning your home, replacing light bulbs that are out (that annoy you), making your environment beautiful, taking a luxurious bubble bath, or taking care of something you know you need to take care of. These simple acts of self-love lift your energy and make you attractive to others.
The act of loving yourself creates a feeling of abundance in you, which also is very attractive to a potential partner. When you eventually find that special person and start to build a loving relationship with them, remember that love is something you give to other people—not just take. It’s not like a “transaction,” where you’re exchanging something for something else. But there does need to be a natural, healthy give and take, where both people are expressing love towards each other.
Even if you don’t have a romantic partner, you can also express love towards a family member, a child, or even a pet.
Are You Ready for Love?
Although every human wants love, some of us might not be ready for love. We might not be ready to allow that special relationship to come into our life. We might not be willing to be open and vulnerable with another person. We may need to work on ourselves, heal our internal wounds or insecurities, or simply stop hating the dating process .
How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work
You’ve met someone amazing, you’re crazy about them, and you can see a potential future with them. You talk with them every day, things are heating up, and you’re excited about where this is all going.
The only problem? You both live on opposite sides of the state—or different sides of the country. Heck, maybe you live on opposite sides of the world.
That’s a long distance relationship (LDR), baby. It can work, but it comes with some serious challenges.
Do Long Distance Relationships Even Work?
An LDR is an intimate relationship in which the partners are geographically separate from each other. They’re “locationally challenged.” They enjoy talking with other each other and spending time with each other via phone or video chat, but they’re not physically with each other most of the time. Can this work long-term?
I’m a believer that a long distance relationship can work—as long as it doesn’t go on indefinitely. Here’s why:
At some point you’ll have to actually BE WITH the other person to make sure you’re compatible in real life!…otherwise, it’s not quite a “real” relationship. It’s a vacation or a fantasy at best.
I’ve seen long distance relationships work:
• When one person lives in one city (on their own), and the other person lives in a different city, and they come together on the weekends
• Where people are together for a year on opposite coasts—and one person decides to pull the trigger and move closer
In these situations, you can make it work. But this can’t (and shouldn’t) go on forever. At some point, one of you may need to uproot your life and make a permanent move to be with the other person. While you don’t have to rush this, just know that at some point, being together is the end goal.
Why a Long Distance Relationship Can Be Difficult in the Long Term
Dating with that kind of distance for more than a year is tough, because it’s hard to not feel like you’re always on vacay when you spend time together. It’s not the “real” thing, because you don’t experience any of the regular grinds involved not only with dating, but with being in a relationship.
For example, say you find out about a comedy show happening in town in a few days, and you want to invite your special person to go with you. This isn’t possible if they live on the other side of the country—unless they’re OK with booking a spur-of-the-moment flight. By not living near each other, you miss out on this spontaneity.
If you’re beyond dating and in a committed relationship, it’s hard to feel like you’re in a real relationship if you’re not seeing the person physically. Relationships are about sharing life’s challenges and joys with each other as they happen. That’s hard to do if you’re in different geographic locations.
Say you have a bad day and you need a hug. That’s not going to happen if your honey lives far away from you.
Most people get into a relationship because they want an amazing partner to share their life with. You want your partner to be close to you—that’s the whole point. You want to experience all of life with someone, including the ups and downs, the exciting stuff, the mundane stuff, the wins and the losses, the spontaneous things, and the planned things. This is difficult, if not impossible, when you live far away from your partner.
Not to mention, the costs of traveling, the time it takes to travel, and the logistics—can all be a burden on you and/or the relationship. The dynamic of “visiting, and then leaving” can also be a burden.
LDRs aren’t for everyone. Some people are certain they wouldn’t be able to tolerate an LDR. And it makes sense—they’d be missing out on a key component of being physically with someone.
How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Last
Ironically, the way to make an LDR last, is to understand that it shouldn’t be an “LDR” forever. It’s an LDR “for now.” If you treat the “long distance” part of an LDR as something that’s short-term (not a forever thing), then you can make it work.
For an LDR to really “go the distance,” one or both partners will have to move in with the other partner at some point. This can look like you uprooting your whole life to move to another state (or even another country)—or your partner choosing to do this instead. Or maybe both of you move to a new place to be together for a fresh start.
That requires a major sacrifice—and only you can decide if it’s worth it. You may have to leave behind family, friends, a workplace, a business, or other things in order to venture into a new geographic home with your partner (and/or vice versa). Aside from the usual challenges of dating—where you’re trying to figure out if you’re even compatible with this person and if there’s potential for something long-term—the LDR makes everything even more challenging.