To want love is part of our human nature and our human journey. In fact, that’s why we’re here—to connect, to give and receive love, and to express love. The quest to understand love (specifically, romantic love) has driven human beings since the dawn of time.
Regardless of your age, race, sex, gender, sexual orientation, where you grew up, where you were educated (or not), who raised you (or didn’t), what you do for a living, and what your beliefs are—deep down, you probably want love, because you’re a human being and we all want love.
Sue Johnson, a well-renowned clinical psychologist, couples therapist, author, and co-developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) says:
“Human beings may be very different, but in our hearts we all want the same thing—a loving partner who offers us comfort and connection, so that life’s joys can be savored and hurts can be tolerated and survived. We are wired for connection. Nothing is more toxic for us than emotional isolation.” (Watch her 2-minute video here .)
Her work is driven by research and is based on the science of attachment and bonding. Her work helps couples deepen their connection, increase emotional intimacy between each other, repair hurts, and solve the problem of emotional isolation.
Emotional Isolation is Not Good for Us
Our pursuit of love, and our desire to create and nurture a loving relationship with the right person, gives our life meaning and direction. Beyond that, a loving relationship provides a feeling of comfort, safety, and stability in an ever-changing world. When you have a strong, healthy bond with your partner, it deepens your connection.
Love is worth pursuing, because it creates that feeling of connection we all seek. The opposite of connection is emotional isolation—which makes us feel like we’re completely alone on a planet with over 7.6 billion people.
Love is what makes us feel connected to other people. And if we feel connected, that’s a good antidote to feeling isolated.
Being alone and feeling “isolated” are two different things. You can be alone and enjoy your own company. You can be with people and feel isolated—i.e., not seen, not heard, not understood, not appreciated, ostracized, or simply disconnected.
“The way of the miracle-worker is to see all human behavior as one of two things:
either love, or a call for love.”
― Marianne Williamson
It’s Completely Normal to Want Love
You should never feel embarrassed or ashamed for wanting love. It’s a natural, normal, healthy desire and a part of being human.
You should never feel embarrassed or ashamed for wanting a loving relationship either. It takes effort to find that special person, but it’s worth putting in the effort…because of all the joys in life you can savor together, and all the hurts that can be tolerated and survived (as Sue Johnson says). Having a partner, having that love in your life—gives you someone to lean on, and vice versa.
Loving Another Person Begins With Loving Yourself
One of the best ways to attract love from a potential partner is to first start by loving yourself. See yourself in a positive light, appreciate yourself, be compassionate with yourself, take care of yourself, and do things that make you feel invigorated—even if you’re not with another person.
This can look like preparing a healthy meal for yourself, taking online fitness classes that intrigue you, cleaning your home, replacing light bulbs that are out (that annoy you), making your environment beautiful, taking a luxurious bubble bath, or taking care of something you know you need to take care of. These simple acts of self-love lift your energy and make you attractive to others.
The act of loving yourself creates a feeling of abundance in you, which also is very attractive to a potential partner. When you eventually find that special person and start to build a loving relationship with them, remember that love is something you give to other people—not just take. It’s not like a “transaction,” where you’re exchanging something for something else. But there does need to be a natural, healthy give and take, where both people are expressing love towards each other.
Even if you don’t have a romantic partner, you can also express love towards a family member, a child, or even a pet.
Are You Ready for Love?
Although every human wants love, some of us might not be ready for love. We might not be ready to allow that special relationship to come into our life. We might not be willing to be open and vulnerable with another person. We may need to work on ourselves, heal our internal wounds or insecurities, or simply stop hating the dating process .
Our emotional readiness, coupled with practical skills like knowing how to not sabotage a date , knowing how to communicate well during a date , and being comfortable with expressing vulnerability, gives us the greatest chance of finding real, lasting love.