Getting onto the apps can feel intimidating and stressful — there’s nothing worse than finally making the leap and then experiencing crickets as you go without matches for what feels like forever. If this is your experience, you don’t need to take it personally or decide to swear off dating forever. It’s possible there are some common missteps on your profile that are making it harder for people to connect with you, and they’re easy to fix. Here are five reasons your dating app profile might not be getting matched with (and what you can do instead):
If you’re not getting matches on dating apps, your bio, photos, expectations or choice of app may be making it harder for compatible people to connect with you. A stronger dating profile shows who you are, what you’re looking for and gives potential matches an easy reason to start a conversation.
1. Your Dating App Profile Doesn’t Have a Bio
A dating app bio gives potential matches information they can’t get from your photos alone, including your personality, interests, relationship goals and an easy way to start a conversation.
If you’re going to be on dating apps, you need to take the time to write a bio, period. A common criticism of the apps is that people don’t even read the text and react only to whether they find your photos attractive; even if this feels like it’s true sometimes, not including a bio at all will mean that everyone who actually is looking for something of substance will immediately dismiss you.
If you’re not sure what to say or how to describe yourself, you can stick to a very simple formula of describing yourself in one sentence and describing what you want from the apps in another: “42-year-old single mom who loves hiking and crosswords looking for a slow burn with someone who can make me laugh.” Not sure what you’re like or what you’re looking for? Talk through it with a friend first, but have something ready to say if you’re going to give the apps a try. If you want to boost your chances of a real conversation even more, add something that will help people know how to start a conversation with you if they match with you: “Tell me what book you’re reading right now,” or “Ask me what my latest craft project is.”
2. Your Dating App Bio Isn’t Helping You Get Matches
Healthy relationships allow room for differing opinions while maintaining respectful boundaries about how those opinions are expressed.
A dating app bio can work against you when it focuses primarily on complaints, deal breakers, past dating disappointments or what you don’t want instead of showing potential matches who you are and what you do want.
In some cases, you may already have a bio — but not realize that it’s not accomplishing what you want. Because apps are designed to feel so much like social media, we may end up sharing our thoughts in the space designed for text in a way that expresses ourselves, but doesn’t help potential dates connect with us. Be mindful of whether your bio is:
- Only listing people you don’t want to date (“no couples or cheaters”)
- Venting about dating or past dates (“don’t bother if you aren’t going to read my bio/no one ever reads these”)
- Trying to get around having a bio (“I never know what to write in these”)
- Primarily recounting past dating woes (“Getting over having my heart broken…”)
While these are authentic expressions of how you feel, they don’t actually help anyone decide whether you’re a compatible date or partner for them. Not only are they not getting useful information about you as a potential date, the only information they are getting suggests that you’re an overall negative person who they would have to prove themselves to; not a very appealing first impression. Try focusing on what you do want and including information about yourself; if you see qualities you don’t like in other people on the app, you can just swipe left.
3. Your Dating App Photos Aren’t Showing Your Full Self
Good dating app photos should make it easy to see what you look like while also giving potential matches a sense of your personality, interests and everyday life.
I get it; picking out photos (or taking new ones) for a dating app profile is excruciating. Many of us don’t like photos of ourselves, or find sorting through them to be fraught. But people have very little to go on when making a decision on a dating app, and your photos are a big component of what they’re basing their thinking on.
This isn’t just about judging whether you’re “hot enough” (although of course people want to determine whether they’re attracted to you, just as you do them!) but about getting a sense of who you are. Just as you get an impression of people from brief views of them in public — based on their posture, clothing, voice, mannerisms, hair and makeup choices — people want to form an idea of you. If your photos are:
- Not of you (because you’re being discreet or you prefer to exchange photos upon matching)
- Very limited (only one or two) or repetitious (a version of the same photo over and over)
- Difficult to make out visually (blurry, or only part of your face)
- Heavily altered (with filters or FaceTune)
- Too curated, inauthentic or reminiscent of catfishing (only bikini photos, etc)
It’s likely people will swipe past you. Think about a range of photos that reflect who you really are, including spending time with your friends, engaging in your hobbies, and displaying your personality or sense of humor.
4. Your Dating Expectations May Feel Too One-Sided
Dating profiles are more likely to create connection when they communicate mutual interest rather than presenting another person as someone who exists primarily to fulfill a fantasy, experiment or relationship role.
Sometimes people will (inaccurately) describe dating as a marketplace. While apps can sometimes feel like shopping (because they’re designed to), the truth is they aren’t a place where you can get anything you want as long as you’re willing to make it worthwhile. You’re dealing with real people, with their own desires and needs. What you’re engaging in isn’t commerce, but a negotiation between your wants and needs and whether they line up.
In some cases, if you’re looking for something that feels too transactional to others, or where there’s no clear benefit to potential dates but only for you, you may be coming up empty for that reason. Some classic examples of this are:
- Unicorn-hunting (“looking for a girl to have fun with me and my man”)
- Experimentation (“looking to try out being with a woman for the first time”)
- Fantasies that may feel fetishizing to a group (“my boyfriend wants to watch me with another woman”)
None of these are bad things to want, but look at them from the point of view of the potential date on the app: what do they get out of being your unicorn or first time or fantasy? Are you interested in what they want, too? Is this going to be an enjoyable experience for them? If so, what have you said to indicate that? Finding a date isn’t like ordering at a restaurant, and if that’s what you’re trying to do, it may explain why things aren’t working.
5. You’re Using the Wrong Dating App for What You Want
Different dating apps attract different users and relationship goals, so even a strong profile may struggle to get compatible matches if you’re using an app that doesn’t align with what you’re looking for.
Dating apps aren’t all created equal; different apps are more or less popular in different regions, and may have different purposes or focuses. If you’re primarily looking for a third for a threesome with you and your existing partner, but the app you’re using is where people go to meet long-term monogamous partners, you aren’t going to have much luck. Similarly, if you’re looking for love on an app designed for finding casual sex partners near your location for no-strings-attached sex, you’ll likely be disappointed no matter what you do.
Look into the full range of apps available for your area, gender and sexual orientation; consider asking people in your life or area what they use most often or what’s popular around you. It’s possible that a change of setting will make all the difference.
If you’re not getting matches, don’t assume the problem is that you’re simply not attractive or desirable enough. Look at the information your profile is giving people. A few thoughtful changes to your bio, photos, expectations or choice of app can make it much easier for compatible people to understand who you are and decide whether they want to connect.
Frequently Asked Questions About Getting Matches on Dating Apps
Why Am I Not Getting Any Matches on Dating Apps?
There can be many reasons you’re not getting matches, and they aren’t all about physical attraction. An incomplete or negative bio, unclear photos, overly narrow expectations or using an app that doesn’t align with your dating goals can all make it harder for compatible people to connect with you.
What Should I Put in My Dating App Bio to Get More Matches?
A good dating app bio should briefly communicate who you are, what you enjoy and what you’re looking for. Include enough specific information to give someone an easy way to start a conversation with you rather than relying on generic descriptions or lists of what you don’t want.
What Kind of Photos Should I Use on a Dating Profile?
Choose clear, recent photos that show your face and give potential matches a realistic sense of who you are. Using several different photos that reflect your personality, interests and everyday life is generally more useful than repeating similar selfies or relying heavily on filters.
Should I List My Deal Breakers in My Dating Profile?
You don’t need to hide your standards or boundaries, but a profile dominated by complaints and deal breakers can make it difficult for someone to learn anything positive about you. Focus primarily on who you are and what you’re looking for, then use the matching and dating process to determine compatibility.
Does the Dating App I Use Affect the Matches I Get?
Yes. Different dating apps can attract different demographics, relationship styles and dating intentions. If you’re consistently meeting people who want something very different from you, consider whether another app or another way of meeting people might better align with your goals.
Want Better Results From Dating Apps?
If dating apps aren’t giving you the results you want, you don’t have to keep repeating the same strategy and hoping something changes. Little Gay Book’s EDAM program provides professional dating app management designed to improve how you’re showing up online and help you make stronger connections. Book a complimentary 30-minute consultation with our Digital Matchmaker, Celine, to review what’s working, what may be holding your profile back, and how a more intentional dating app strategy could improve your results. Thirty minutes can make a world of difference in your dating app results.
Dr. Frankie Bashan is a licensed psychologist, AASECT-certified sex therapist, professional matchmaker, and founder of Little Gay Book. For over 17 years, she has worked with lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer singles and couples navigating dating, relationships, intimacy, communication and compatibility. Her work combines psychological expertise with extensive real-world experience helping LGBTQ+ people build healthier, more meaningful relationships. She is also the host of the Love, Laughs and Lessons podcast.
Recommended Books:
Dating Without Fear: Overcome Social Anxiety and Connect
How to Be Dateable: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Person and Falling in Love
How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love
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