You can’t control most things about sex and dating — how other people feel about you, who’s attracted to you, whether people want the same things as you do in bed. But there are some things you can control, and one of them is choosing to take the initiative or make the first move in dating scenarios. This can be tricky in many contexts — how do you approach someone? How do you know if they’re interested — but one place it’s relatively low-risk and high-reward to take the initiative is committing to being the one to send the first message on dating apps.
It can feel nerve-wracking to match with someone and decide on what to say in a dating message: how do you know what to say? What if you come across awkwardly? If they haven’t already messaged you, are they even interested? But remember the other person is in the exact same position as you, and likely thinking the exact same things. Furthermore, the fact that they’ve matched with you at all means they’ve confirmed they’re interested, and since you’re not face-to-face, there’s no real loss if they don’t message back or respond in a lackluster way. The risk is nil; all that remains is figuring out the best opening lines on dating apps, and I have some tips for that:
Compliment your match
Compliments are almost always welcome — especially on a dating app, where we’re actively trying to be desired and appealing to others. Your first message sets the tone for the interaction, and a compliment ensures that your match starts the conversating feeling good.
The compliment you choose can help establish the dynamic of your conversation, too — if you like to get to know someone and take your time with a romantic connection, a more general compliment on their interest or personality can help set that tone: “I love your style!” or “your dog is so cute!” If you want to establish a flirty vibe or really clarify your romantic/sexual intentions (it can be so hard for queer women to know when something’s a date!) you can go with a more forward compliment to their appearance: “Wow, you’re gorgeous,” or “I was hoping to match with you, you’re stunning — I love your hair.”
Even if you want to be flirty on text, avoid overtly sexual compliments. First tinder messages that are too forward about sex can be a turnoff, even on an app. Don’t describe sex acts you’d like to try with someone, tell them they turn you on, or comment specifically on their body parts in a sexual way. It’s also helpful to be aware of someone’s social positionality and identity when complimenting them; for instance, someone who presents as butch may prefer more gender-neutral compliments rather than being called “beautiful” or “pretty;” someone whose profile centers around being top in dating may not feel flattered by being called “adorable.” Be mindful of the experiences of communities who are often hypersexualized or fetishized, like trans people or fat people, and keep your compliments respectful.
Comment on something in their profile
While compliments are a delight to get, they don’t necessarily advance a conversation; in fact, many of us may struggle with how to receive compliments gracefully or respond to them. If you want to start an actual conversation on a dating app, responding to specific in their profile is a great way to go — it helps to respond to something specific about the text of their profile.
This could be almost anything that you find genuinely interesting (or think that they do): where they’re from originally, a hobby they mention, their strong dislike of pineapple on pizza. “You’re from DC! I went there on a work trip once but didn’t get to see much of the city,” or “It’s cool that you work in epidemiology, I don’t know much about it!”
The idea is to show authentic interest in the other person, but also give them a jumping-off point to continue the conversation if they choose to, making it more likely you two can keep talking.
Ask a question
Of course, the easiest way to keep a dating app conversation alive is to ask another person a question. It’s surprisingly easy to get stuck in a tête-à-tête where you’ve both agreed the other person is cute and then stall out entirely. Many people struggle with first Tinder messages because they focus too much on a statement and not enough on interaction.
Think about making small talk with someone else in person at the office or a bus stop — it’s likely that pretty early on one of you asks something of the other, even if it’s only “how’s it going?”
You certainly can ask your match “How’s it going” or some variant like “How are you” or “How’s your week,” but unless your match is a naturally gifted conversationalist, these tend not to go very far; they work better to make conversation with people you already know well. Instead, try building on any observations you made from their profile to ask them about their interests. Asking open-ended questions rather than yes-or-no questions can help invite the other person to share more. “It’s cool you play softball! Is it a serious league or more about hanging out?” “I love the bookshelves in your apartment! Are you reading anything right now?”
If you can’t find anything to work within their bio, asking open-ended, engaging questions is still a great way to start. “Have you watched anything interesting lately?” “Anything you’re looking forward to this week?”
Putting it all together
Sending the first message on a dating app puts you ahead of the game. Any one of these choices when messaging someone on a dating app will help set you up for success in terms of gauging whether there’s a real connection, but using all of them together is extra effective and can be a helpful “formula” to follow if you struggle with what to say. Here’s what that could look like:
“Wow, you’re gorgeous, hi ????cross-country skiing rules — have you been able to go out this winter or has it been too warm?”
“I love your apartment in your profile pics, it’s so cute! I also love cooking at home, have you made anything recently you loved?”
“You look really hot on a motorcycle ????do you ride often?”
When in doubt, keep it light, smooth, engaging, and personal. The best dating messages feel natural, show interest, and always invite a response. Sending the first message doesn’t have to be stressful – ut’s just about starting a conversation. So take the leap, craft a good opening line, and see where it goes!
Recommended Books:
Data, a Love Story
Speaking in Thumbs: A Psychiatrist Decodes Your Relationship Texts So You Don’t Have To
Bye Felipe
For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:
How to Stay Safe on LGBTQ+ Dating Apps
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