It’s normal to be nervous about meeting the parents — but what happens when the anxiety is warranted and it genuinely doesn’t go well? It would be great for all of our romantic partners to be beloved by our families of origin and vice versa, but that’s not always how it goes. Here’s how to manage if your parents and your partner aren’t getting along:
Manage Expectations (Including Your Own)
When partners and parents clash, one of the first steps is adjusting expectations and accepting that these relationships may never look perfectly harmonious.
We all have hopes and dreams about both what our families and our relationships will look like. Whether it’s having the perfect partner who loves us in a way no one else ever has or parents who see and support us unconditionally, it’s normal to want an ideal, and to sometimes feel intense grief, hurt or anger when our parents or our partners don’t live up to our desires.
When our families of origin and our romantic relationships are in conflict with each other, it can feel very intense. Suddenly, there’s conflict and friction in both these spheres of intense emotional significance, and the distress they cause can compound. If our parents don’t get along with our partner, it can feel like a major rejection of who we are as adults, the kind of life we want to live, or even our sexual orientation and identity — all of this on top of the regular hurt we feel. If our partner doesn’t like our family of origin, it may easily feel like a judgement on us and where we come from — even (or, paradoxically, sometimes especially) when we have a complex relationship with our parents as well. It can feel unfair and even like a personal failing if our partners and parents aren’t best friends like we may see in our friends’ lives or in pop culture.
Despite all this, the reality is it’s very normal to have some friction or at least to not necessarily have a close relationship between your romantic partner and your family of origin — even if you live together, are married or have kids together. In short: it’s okay if your loved ones don’t all get along all the time. One way you can make your life easier is by accepting this and encouraging everyone else in the dynamic to accept it as well, rather than trying to force closeness where there isn’t any or manage the relationships and feelings of the people in your family and your relationship. It’s possible that with time, some of the jagged edges might smooth out a little bit — but it’s actually more likely to happen if you let things normalize with time rather than working overtime to “fix” them.
Think About How to Set Everyone Up for Success
Instead of forcing closeness, it can help to focus on practical strategies that reduce tension and create situations where everyone involved can interact more comfortably.
The upside of radically accepting that your partner and your parents may never be best friends is that you can think about how to make the relationship easier on everyone from a logistical standpoint rather than white-knuckling through difficult interactions because you’re pretending the friction isn’t there. Think about what’s easiest and most supportive for all the players involved (including you) and what tends to compound difficulty or exacerbate existing conflicts, and make plans accordingly.
For instance, if nitpicking about your household or the state of your home is a frequent source of conflict with your parents, try making family plans with your partner outside of the home — suggest grabbing lunch or going for a hike. If being grandparents is very important to your family and everyone is disinclined to fight around the baby, making plans that center around your child to the extent that it’s healthy for everyone could be a good idea. In some cases, it can be the easiest and wisest thing to limit the time your parents and partner spend together, and visit home or family solo when it’s realistic.
While it may feel difficult at first, one of the best ways to set everyone up for success is often by setting (and enforcing) boundaries. This could look like committing to removing yourself/your partner from the situation in certain circumstances — ex. “We’ve talked about this, and if you bring up politics again we’ll have to politely excuse ourselves and go home” — or maintaining your own boundaries about what parts of your family life you discuss with your partner, or vice versa. If tensions are already high, this can feel to some people like punishment, but in reality, boundaries are a way of preserving and maintaining relationships. Setting boundaries and sticking to them is a way of making sure you (and the others involved in the dynamic) can stay in relationship with each other in some form, rather than letting unmanaged conflict drive you apart completely.
Don’t Get Stuck as the Middleman
When conflict arises between loved ones, it’s easy to feel responsible for managing everyone’s feelings, but acting as a permanent mediator can create additional strain.
That said, taking on the work of setting boundaries and setting up your loved ones for success is often a tough balancing act to strike. It’s very easy to end up as a kind of middleman or go-between, constantly trying to make your parent’s case to your partner and vice versa, or trying to make peace and feeling like you have to make everyone happy as the person with divided allegiances.
While some ambivalence and difficult conversations may be inevitable, it’s also important for you to think about your own individual boundaries here. It’s up to you to decide what you feel comfortable with and what’s sustainable for you long-term and what’s causing you stress and discomfort or damaging your relationships. You might make rules about your willingness to “play telephone,” and encourage your loved ones to communicate their concerns directly to each other rather than passing them along; you might set boundaries that you’re not willing to listen to attacks on your loved ones’ character or ad hominem attacks.
Most of all, it’s important to stay connected to your own perspective and your own experience in all of these relationships. Maybe your partner was upset by something your mom said at dinner — what did you think about it? It’s possible your parents don’t approve of your partner’s job or hobbies — do you feel the same? It’s easy in circumstances like this to make your own perspective smaller and less important as you try to manage everybody’s feelings and opinions; stay committed to yourself by honoring your own internal compass and letting your point of view be heard.
Frequently Asked Questions About Family and Relationship Conflict
Is it normal if my partner and my parents don’t get along?
Yes. Many couples experience some friction between partners and families of origin. It doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is failing.
Should I try to make them like each other?
Not necessarily. Focus on respectful interaction and clear boundaries rather than forcing closeness.
What if I feel stuck in the middle?
Set limits on playing mediator. Encourage direct communication and stay grounded in your own perspective.
If navigating family dynamics and relationship boundaries feels overwhelming, support can help. Our coaching services are designed to help you strengthen communication, set healthy boundaries, and move through relationship challenges with more clarity and confidence.
Dr. Frankie Bashan is a licensed psychologist, sex therapist, and professional matchmaker with over 17 years of experience working with LGBTQ+ individuals and couples. She specializes in relational dynamics, communication, and sexual compatibility. She is the founder of Little Gay Book and host of the Love, Laughs and Lessons podcast.
Recommended Books:
Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
Managing Conflict Mindfully: Don’t Believe Everything You Think
For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:
Supporting Your Partner With A Difficult Family
5 Tips for Introducing Your Partner to Your Family
How to Have Healthy Conflict in Your Relationship
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