Talking about sex is hard — even, or maybe especially, when it’s someone we already have a long history with. What if there were a tool to make it easier and less awkward? If that sounds like a relief to you, then a yes/no/maybe list might be a good fit for you. Here’s what you need to know:
What is a yes/no/maybe list?
A yes/no/maybe list is a straightforward document that can serve as a communication tool between sex partners (or a clarifying exercise for yourself) to explore what sex acts you’re both into. People who use the list can mark for each individual activity whether they’re interested in pursuing it with this partner — yes, no, or maybe. It’s easy to then compare where “yeses” or “maybes” match up and talk about what might be fun and exciting to try together — or look at the “maybes” to see where it might be productive to have a conversation to explore more.
Yes/no/maybe lists can save time and prevent miscommunication when talking about sex with new partners, prompt you to explore your own sexual interests in a neutral and nonjudgmental way, and even help make you aware of sexual practices you might not have considered.
Who can benefit from a yes/no/maybe list?
Yourself
All of us are on a life-long journey to learn more about ourselves both in and out of bed, and do the internal work it takes to make our lives as fulfilling as possible. The journey of understanding your sexual self and exploring the range of what might be meaningful to you in bed is a big part of that for many people.
A yes/no/maybe list can form the basis for a journey of self-discovery like this. Whether you’ve recently come out, are delving into kink for the first time, or just want to continue exploring fantasies that might teach you more about yourself, a yes/no/maybe list can be a strong place to start. It may give you ideas for activities you haven’t thought about before, or prompt you to really think through in what circumstances you might enjoy these activities and why.
New or casual partners
If you’re taking someone home for a one-night stand, it may not be intuitive to pull out a worksheet in the back of a cab and invite them to complete it together — that’s probably a better conversation for a quick, direct conversation about what you’re both into. But what about when you think you might want to continue seeing someone, albeit casually? Or you’re not sure if it might turn into something more serious?
In these situations, it can help quickly set the foundation for a deeper understanding between the two of you. It’s possible there’s something you’re both really into that it would have taken you months to stumble upon organically in sex or conversation; it’s also possible there’s something on your new partner’s “yes” list that was previously a “maybe” for you, but you’re now feeling very interested in when you imagine doing it with them specifically. Even better, the fact of doing the yes/no/maybe list makes it easy and painless to enter into conversation about these topics — rather than worrying about how to bring it up or how to have a conversation about sex gracefully, you can say “Hey, I saw you marked yes…” and go from there.
Established or long-term partners
One of the most common questions from people in long-term partnerships is how to “spice up the relationship,” or introduce something new into a sexual dynamic that might feel rote or stale. This is an incredibly widely shared desire, yet conversations about this can be very hard to initiate — it feels like telling our partner that you aren’t happy with the sex you’re having.
A yes/no/maybe list can be a really helpful tool in both initiating this conversation and taking it to a productive place once it’s started. You might already be familiar with couple exercises like comparing love languages or apology languages — a yes/no/maybe list isn’t so different. It might be fun to propose as a date night activity — sharing takeout or a bottle of wine as you fill out your lists separately and then compare and see what you notice. With a little effort, it’s easy to transition a discussion to why you like the things you’ve chosen and what you might imagine doing with them.
What should be on your yes/no/maybe list?
There are plenty of yes/no/maybe lists already out there that you can start with. This is an easily printable option that’s great to start with; this yes/no/maybe list also includes blank spaces to fill in your own topics to rate on your checklist. If you were hoping for something more kink-intensive or don’t see something you’re interested in covered there, this might be a good place to look.
However, don’t be afraid to also make this exercise your own — there may easily be activities specific to you, your dynamic, or the situation you’re exploring with a partner that you want to add. It’s easy to DIY your own yes/no/maybe list as well; try using Google Sheets or a google doc to replicate some of the basic options above, and feel free to add your own.
Recommended Books:
Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life
Getting It: A Guide to Hot, Healthy Hookups and Shame-Free Sex
Kink 101: A Beginner’s Guide to Safe and Sensual BDSM Practices
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