Fear of commitment is frustrating for everyone in a dating scenario — it’s difficult to date someone who seems to run hot and cold or seems like a perfect partner but then backpedals whenever things seem to be going well. And it’s difficult to be the person who struggles to settle into a relationship or who never feels quite comfortable, even (or especially) when things are going well. Is a fear of commitment an immutable characteristic, or is it something you can work on? Here’s how I recommend going about it.

Is it actually a fear of commitment?

Some people may label you as having commitment issues simply because you prefer to take things slow, prioritize personal growth, or choose to remain single. We may have these accusations of commitment phobia leveled at us if we’re saying no to a relationship, pushing to move slower, or saying we want to keep things casual. But none of these things are inherently bad or problematic — if they grow out of a sense of sustainability and protecting our boundaries. How can you tell the difference? Are you feeling like: 

• The kind of dating relationship they describe doesn’t sound good to you 
• You aren’t sure how you feel about them
• You aren’t interested in relationships right now and are happy being single
• You’re working on not moving too fast in relationships
• You’re comfortable with casual connections and want to stick with those for now

These are all very reasonable and perfectly healthy ways to feel — not wanting a serious relationship isn’t a sign that anything is wrong with you. And sometimes if something feels unnatural or forced, you just aren’t compatible with that person. However, if you find yourself experiencing the following patterns, it might be a deeper issue related to commitment issues: 

• You’re panicky, resentful, angry, or extremely anxious when conversations come up about the status of the relationship or the next steps
• Avoidant about making plans or communication, even though you like this person
• Find yourself downplaying the relationship or your feelings
• Your actions don’t match your words — you say you want something serious but you find yourself slowing things down with a partner, or you sleep over every night but say you only want something casual
• You notice yourself backing out of other things — job plans with friends, travel plans, new hobbies — because you get cold feet or start to worry about what might go wrong

Then you may want to think about working on your relationship with the idea of committing to someone or something.

What are you actually afraid of when you’re afraid of commitment?

Oftentimes, the basic anxiety at the heart of commitment fears, or avoidant attachment, is the same as the basic anxiety at the heart of clinginess or anxious attachment: insecurity and the fear of getting hurt. If you notice your heart rate spike and an urge to run for the exit when a date brings up sleeping over, it may be worth noticing what story you’re telling yourself at that moment. Is it that:

• You’re worried too much will be expected of you and you won’t be able to live up to it
• You feel the other person likes you more than you like them
• You might grow too attached to them, and feel hurt if things don’t work out
• You feel like taking any step will fully commit you to a life together 
• You’ve seen intimacy or relationships as harmful in your family of origin or past
• You feel suffocated or worry that your partner will end up controlling you

Depending on your date and the dynamic, some of these relationship fears might be more reasonable than others. It’s unlikely that sleeping over after a date will mean you are somehow trapped into marrying someone and staying with them for the rest of your life, but it is possible that someone likes you more than you like them, or that there’s a possibility you might feel claustrophobic at some points, especially if you lean more avoidant. Practicing self-awareness to know what you’re reacting to and why it worries you can help you figure out how likely it is and how to work with it.

In what ways can you mitigate the fears you’re facing?

If you’re feeling commitment-phobic, it may feel like you should swear off dating altogether — or at least stick only to casual connections. If you genuinely feel like you don’t have the capacity or skills to be a good partner to someone right now, then that’s a great idea — setting healthy limits on the level of emotional intimacy in your dating life is appropriate as long as you practice what you preach. Telling someone you aren’t ready for a relationship and are only looking for something casual doesn’t count for much if you’re also meeting their parents and giving them a key to your apartment. 

But maybe you are interested in dating in a more emotionally vulnerable way, it’s still possible to work on your fears of commitment at the same time. It’s okay to take things slow, and important to communicate honestly with your partner. Try to be as vulnerable and open as possible about what you’re feeling and why; a partner who’s compatible with you will be understanding and patient if you say you need time because you’re working through trust issues and whether relationships are safe.

How can you work on your relationship to vulnerability and risk?

Ultimately, overcoming commitment issues becomes comfortable with vulnerability and intimacy in our relationships as we’re comfortable being vulnerable and intimate with ourselves. If there isn’t some level of personal work being done to change your relationship with emotional vulnerability, then it’s easy to end up repeating the same cycle over and over again in relationships with others. Often, our fears of commitment and the intimacy it implies are fears about being truly seen or witnessed by another person. Working on your relationship with yourself — and building the skills for resilience and distress tolerance even if a relationship doesn’t work out the way you hope — can help prepare you for the emotional risks of a commitment phobe who wants to date, maybe with the support of a therapist or counselor.

Recommended Books:

Hold Me Tight

Emotional Intimacy

Attached

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