If you’re on Instagram or TikTok, you may have been served videos about identifying or recovering from narcissistic abuse, or cutting ties with the narcissist in your life. Maybe the description of narcissists and narcissistic abuse have sounded familiar to you, and you’re wondering if this is something you should look into further. Here’s what you need to know about narcissistic abuse and how to navigate situations related to it.

What are narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder respectively?

Although the term “narcissist” is often thrown around in a broad and colloquial sense, there’s a difference between someone with narcissistic traits or who comes across as narcissistic in social settings and someone with a clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.

Individuals who may be experienced as narcissists in social contexts are often generally self-involved, conceited or inconsiderate of others. They may seem to talk only about themselves in conversation, or turn every topic back to their own experiences; they may hold a very high opinion of themselves or their work, and assume others do too. They may be thoughtless of or openly uninterested in how their actions will affect others in their lives, or downplay others’ feelings.

Narcissistic personality disorder may include these traits, but also involves a variety of other external signs and internal symptoms of mental illness. More than a difficult personality, a personality disorder is a “a mental health condition where people have a lifelong pattern of seeing themselves and reacting to others in ways that cause problems.”

Narcissistic personality disorder is considered a Cluster B personality disorder, alongside antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder — disorders that cause people to act in ways that are erratic, overly dramatic, or disproportional to the situation. Cluster B personality disorders are often understood by experts as stemming from some degree of developmental trauma. Someone with narcissistic personality disorder may:

• Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, assuming they are the first priority of the others in their lives or organizations they belong to
• Be preoccupied by fantasies of importance and power, fixated on achieving leadership roles or positions of power, or obsessed with achieving higher status in social or professional situations
• Feel deserving of special attention or treatment — being unwilling to wait in lines or suffer the same mild inconveniences as others
• Have extreme difficulty with empathy or compassion for others, struggling to imagine how others might feel or take into account others’ personhood
• Struggle to see others as truly separate individuals, assuming that others in their life share the exact same beliefs or attitudes as they do, or struggling to conceptualize the experiences of others that diverge from their own
• Oscillate between extreme self-importance and extreme self-loathing or shame, having meltdowns or even attempting self-harm
• Exhibit an extreme overreaction to perceived criticism or dislike, either lashing out or melting down with shame and self-loathing at even mild constructive criticism
• Persistent envy of others who they believe have experiences or items that they deserve — and/or the belief that others are envious of them, and may be out to take things from them or threatening them

Whereas garden variety narcissists may be egotistical, inconsiderate or selfish of others, people with narcissistic personality disorder are marked by a genuine inability to fully conceptualize the personhood of others, and may struggle to even really understand that others in their life have feelings that are separate from their own, let alone empathize with them. Because narcissistic personality disorder is a mental illness predicated in some degree of developmental trauma, it also has an element of shame and self-loathing that’s not generally seen with garden variety narcissists.

What is narcissistic abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is a hot topic on social media and in popular discourse right now — a term used to describe abuse, violence, control or manipulation from a narcissistic partner or intimate. People may associate it specifically with an initial phase of “lovebombing” or later instances of gaslighting. Psychotherapists who argue for narcissistic abuse say its hallmarks include “seduction, intimidation, humiliation and belittling.”

When contextualizing concepts like narcissistic abuse, it’s important to underscore that there are no diagnoses, personality disorders or mental illnesses that make you inherently abusive; there’s no group of people that’s ontologically harmful to others. Abuse in intimate partnerships or the family is a function of complex factors, but mostly importantly material power dynamics; it doesn’t flow automatically from the diagnoses or identities of anyone involved. It’s entirely possible — and very common — for one person to abuse another with zero pre-existing mental health dynamics at play. Many experts question whether narcissistic abuse is a distinct phenomenon separate from intimate partner abuse as a whole — and some question whether it’s helpful to delineate it separately as a product of a personality disorder. “…labeling something as a disorder implies a mental illness that can’t be controlled. Abusers can control their behavior,” says Lisa Aronson Fontes, author of Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship.

It’s also important to distinguish between abusive and coercive dynamics and bad or toxic relationships. Abusive and coercive control are predicated upon establishing an intentional dynamic of power and control: leveraging a power differential within the relationship to control how a partner behaves, dresses, who they associate with, keep them from leaving the relationship, etc. It’s entirely possible to treat a partner badly or have a toxic relationship without constituting abuse — relationships can be bad without being abusive. This truism may apply to many narcissists, who can be selfish, inconsiderate or disrespectful to their partners without abusing them via establishing intentional patterns of power and control.

That said, Cluster B personality disorders do have features that can inhibit someone’s success with interpersonal dynamics. And while mental illness doesn’t make you ontologically evil, it also doesn’t make you a helpless child without agency or ability to control your actions. If you’re worried about patterns of control and abuse in your relationship or elsewhere in your life, the best thing to do is seek qualified help and support, regardless of what diagnoses your partner may or may not have.

What should I do if I think my relationship includes narcissistic abuse?

If your relationship or family connection includes:

• Violation of personal privacy, like going through phones, emails or journals
• Being isolated or discouraged from seeing friends, family, or other loved ones
• Rules or arguments over what you wear or how you present your own body
• Being threatened with violence, abandonment, or social consequences when your partner is upset
• Fear of angering your partner out of concern about what they’ll do
• Denial of access to money or resources that are rightfully yours
• Being insulted, belittled, humiliated, or intimidated
• Prevented from accessing medication, accessibility devices, or accommodations you need
• Name-calling, shaming, or intentionally embarrassing you
• Telling you your perception of events is consistently inaccurate or suggesting you may be crazy or unreliable

It’s important you talk honestly with someone in your life as soon as possible. Ideally, reach out to a qualified therapist or counselor with experience in trauma and abusive relationships.

If you think your partner or someone else you’re close to may be a narcissist — if they seem consistently aggrandizing, lack empathy, demand special treatment, accuse others of being out to get them or jealous of them, or react in extreme ways to mild criticism — it’s also advisable to talk to a therapist or qualified counselor. Whether abuse is present in the dynamic or not, getting support from a professional can help you navigate this challenging dynamic and decide how you want to proceed.

Recommended Books:

Invisible Chains

The Narcissist in Your Life

Unmasking Narcissism

 

For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:

What is Lovebombing?

Diving Back Into Dating After a Toxic Relationship

What is Gaslighting?

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