This months’ question is from Brittany of Atlanta.
Brittany asks, “How do I re-train myself to react to chemistry from women who will treat me well instead of women who won’t? With a history of dating women who were either abusive, recovering addicts and/or narcissus, I’ve done a lot of recovery, therapy and even EMDR to re-pattern my thinking. But I still find myself being attracted to/having chemistry with women who ultimately
treat me poorly. Any advice?
I am Dr. Frankie Bashan, and I love giving you real, lesbian love advice. As a licensed psychologist with over a decade of experience with the LGBT community, I bring a caring, non-judgement attitude to my matchmaking and dating coaching.
Each month I answer a new question, submitted by, to help you navigate the complex land of relationships and dating. Find our more: https://littlegaybook.com.
Yeah! So this is a hard question to
answer in a minute or two, but I would say that, first of all, I want to commend you for doing your work…for going you now to see a therapist, doing EMDR
and really trying to get to a place, where you can be vulnerable, and comfortable in a relationship and you’re wanting that….the thing is you’re noticing now that you have sort of a blind spot and being aware that blind spot is the MOST important part being successful in changing your pattern
So, what I would say is: To try to break a pattern you have to do the opposite of what you’re inclined to do. So you’re attracted to women who are going to repeat the same pattern which is comforting to you because it’s familiar, we are drawn to things that are familiar to us whether it be people, environment types of food that kinda thing so what I suggest is, have your friends, have your family, have people in your life try to introduce you to people that they think may be a good fit for you. That you may not generally be attracted to you. And try it out and keep trying it out and keep exposing yourself until you START to become a little more comfortable with being with somebody you’re spending quality time with somebody that you may not normally be attracted to you
it’s just something that you have to do and practice and to shift the pattern keep pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, and eventually it’ll feel familiar and more comfortable to you to be with somebody who can be loving…
Who can appreciate you and who can who can adore you and give you what you need and what you truly deserve.
Brittany, it’s also really important to remember that you’re worthy
that you’re deserving… you’re deserving of a good partner, a loving partner somebody who appreciates and respects you, so remember THAT.
Keep that in mind if you take all this…even just a nugget of this information and feedback
I think it’ll be really helpful.
Good luck in your process.