Hate Dating? Maybe You’re Making It Harder than It Needs to Be
How do you feel about dating? Do you ever find yourself thinking:
I hate lesbian dating
Dating is so hard
I wish I could find someone decent to date
All the good ones are taken
I just can’t seem to find anyone
If that’s you, you’re not alone. It can be easy to blame others for how hard dating is, and while there probably are some reasons outside of yourself that make it challenging, many people out there do not struggle to date and do successfully couple up – and many of them are just like you.
Instead of focusing on what you can’t control, it’s time to focus on what you can: yourself. Why, to you, is dating a struggle? What if it isn’t dating that’s hard, but something about how you’re dating that makes it hard?
That’s right: you might be making dating harder than it needs to be.
Attitude is everything. Plenty of people date and don’t immediately end up with partners, strong connections, or even second dates, and yet they still enjoy the process. If you hate the process, getting in touch with your patterns and thinking about what else is going on for you can help you overcome this obstacle and maybe even start to have fun.
Are you self-sabotaging your dating life? Check out these common lesbian dating patterns to find out.
You Let Your Ex Haunt You
Your breakup is final, but emotionally your ex is a ghost who haunts every dating interaction you have.
You can’t open a dating app without swiping left on anyone who also wears button-ups or hats or that one type of dress she always wore. If your date says or does anything that even remotely reminds you of something your ex said or did, you unintentionally react to her like she’s your ex instead of the person in front of you. (Or, you tell your date about the time your ex said or did that thing.) You treat this new stranger who has not hurt you like they broke your heart when they haven’t done anything wrong.
Your first date is not your ex. Your new dating partner is not your ex-partner. Reacting to someone who isn’t even there sabotages your dating life, your potential new relationship, and yourself.
If you find yourself approaching people like this, it’s worth seeking therapy so you can unpack those dynamics, heal, and move forward.
You’re a Scaredy-Cat
One day you truly believe your date is the greatest person in the world and you want to be with them forever and you’re telling her that at length; a few hours later you’re picking a fight or seeing the fact that they order ice cream in a cup instead of a cone as a sign that you have fundamentally different values and won’t share a future past next week.
It doesn’t take long for that approach to destroy any foundation you hoped to build. Inconsistency makes other people feel uneasy and leaves them wondering where they stand with you from moment to moment. If you act like your feelings change based on arbitrary words or actions, you cast doubt on the entire connection.
You also aren’t being true to yourself.
Feelings for others shouldn’t hinge on a second-by-second play-by-play. If yours do, it’s possible you’re sabotaging the possibility of a future relationship because you’re afraid to get close, afraid of vulnerability, or afraid of rejection. You might also need to introduce some stability into your life to avoid that all-or-nothing false urgency.
You’re Too into Commitment, Too Quickly
If you have a good first date with someone, what you have is someone with whom you’ve had a great first date and maybe want to see again. What you don’t have is someone who is now your partner and your everything. (Plus, your partner should never be your everything.) If you find yourself treating people you’ve had a few dates with like they are now your perfect partner, like they could be your partner, or like you are now part of each other’s lives in a forever way, you might be a romantic – or more likely, you might be projecting an idea of who you think they are or want them to be, rather than taking them for who they actually are. You might be looking for another person to fulfil you, rather than seeking fulfillment within yourself first.
People who want to create healthy relationships don’t want to move in after two dates, don’t want to spend all their time together right after meeting, and don’t find themselves acting like they’re suddenly married to someone they’ve known for 45 minutes. If you move way too fast, stop. Pause. Reflect. What’s going on in your life that’s making you want to jump in so quickly? Where can you take care of your own needs first, instead of putting them on someone else?