Being in a long-distance relationship can feel completely isolating. Although long-distance relationships are extremely common — 75% of all engaged couples have been in a long distance relationship at some point — it can feel as though none of the relationship advice on earth applies to you. Long-distance relationships are under unique stresses and require unique strategies to stay healthy. Here’s what I suggest for couples looking to stay close across long distance.
Spend time together in as many ways as possible
Our mental image of a long-distance relationship may call up winsome maidens of the 1950s waiting forlornly by the phone, or even for the postman to deliver a real snail mail letter. But especially after the pandemic lockdowns, when many of us were forced to find ways to build a more active social life in digital spaces, there are much broader avenues for you to share your life across long distances between visits to see each other.
Sharing a meal you’ve worked to make together is one of the intimate domestic experiences that can often feel missing in a long-distance relationship, so set a date and time to have a virtual dinner together. Take turns choosing recipes and cook together on video chat, or order food from a local restaurant and enjoy a date night meal together on the phone. This helps create the sense of sharing routines, habits and day to day experiences with each other, even if you’re miles apart.
Learn together
With so much of public life now available online, you can share a wider range of experiences with your long-distance date. Consider signing up for digital courses or workshops together — this could be anything from learning a new language, taking a Zoom fitness class, or joining an astrology workshop. This can be a meaningful way to learn more together about a part of your shared life, or get more understanding into your partner’s hobby. Letting yourself both be beginners at something together can be a great way to grow closer and build intimacy.
Play as a team
Gaming has become a much more broadly popular hobby in recent years, and even if you’ve never picked up a PS2 controller, there are a huge range of ways to recreate the domestic delight of board game night online. Build an island together in Animal Crossing, or a cooperative farm in Stardew Valley. If you have a group of friends to play with, consider Among Us or even an online tabletop roleplaying game with tools like One More Multiverse.
Have a readalong
Sharing experiences is an important part of a relationship, and so is getting to share in your partner’s reactions to the world around them as it happens — something that can feel impossible in a long-distance relationship. Reading a book together offers the chance to do both, while connecting on an intellectual level.
Share your calendars
It can feel frustrating and discouraging to wait hours for a long-distance partner to text you back and wonder if they’re just busy or if something is wrong; to be accidentally stood up for a phone date because you crossed your wires. Use a shared online calendar to see how your days are progressing and find free time with each other; you can also use it to plan and schedule activities together, which can feel more special and intentional than vague verbal plans for Tuesday night.
Join each other’s IRL social networks as much as possible
In a long-distance relationship, you tend not to feel only far from each other, but “outside” your partner’s life. You likely don’t share friend groups or much social overlap. While it’s tempting to spend all your time with each other when you get to have visits, try to make time to get to know their friends and community as well. It’s great to try to integrate ways your partner can remain connected to your larger social ecosystem from a distance, too — even if it’s just a group chat about the Bachelorette.
Be transparent and realistic about the future
Most of us don’t intend to stay in long-distance relationships indefinitely; it’s normal to want to prioritize a future where you can be together full-time. It’s also normal to feel overwhelmed by the challenges that may be involved here. It’s possible money, circumstance, immigration, or something else mean that you aren’t sure when you’ll be able to be near each other. Just make sure to keep an open line of communication about the topic, and to be direct and transparent with each other about your needs, hopes and fears around the distance.
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