Long-distance relationships are much-maligned and often tough — they’re also a fact of life, and notoriously common for queer women. For many people, being long-distance doesn’t feel sustainable indefinitely; it’s assumed to be a temporary state until you can hopefully both be in the same place. But when and how should that happen? Even for love, moving is a big decision; how do you know whether it’s the right choice? Here’s what I recommend keeping in mind.

What would your life look like in the new place outside of your partner?

It’s very natural to be focused on what your romantic relationship would look like if you moved closer — and you should be talking and thinking about what your shared routines and boundaries might look like. However, in your enthusiasm, don’t forget to think through what the entire rest of your life will also look like outside your partnership. Some things to consider:

• Do you have community, friends or family outside your partner in this area? Do you have anyone to rely on or find social support with outside of them? Isolation and total reliance on a partner is a risk for both becoming overly enmeshed and intimate partner abuse/violence.
• Will moving impact your work or career? What changes would it necessitate making?
• How does the cost of living differ from where you’re currently based? Will a shared life in the same location require any important conversations with your partner about money or spending? Are you putting yourself at financial risk making this move in any way?
• Are there any major changes in terms of lifestyle or culture you’d have to adjust to? Do you speak the language in the area and feel comfortable integrating into the local community? 

Of course, moving is a major transition no matter what — it doesn’t mean it’s a bad idea to relocate because you’d have to make some adjustments. But it’s worth thinking through what the entire experience would be like, not just the parts where you can have lunch together spontaneously on weekdays. Part of this also means thinking about what would happen if the relationship ended. Would your existence in this new place be dependent on community, resources, a living situation that’s based in this relationship? If so, relocating for it is a major commitment that should be undertaken only after serious consideration.

What future are you envisioning for this relationship? What about your partner?

If you’re considering uprooting your life even a little bit to move for this person, you’re probably at least marginally serious about each other. But serious is a broad term that means a lot of things to a lot of people! 

Some things get much easier when you live in the same place, and some things may unexpectedly get harder, including squaring your expectations of each other. It would be helpful to be aligned on major relationship milestones and goals — for instance, if you want to move in together or get married eventually — but there are lots of other aspects of living in the same city that you may still need to figure out.

For instance, you may have been on the phone or Facetime constantly at a distance; up close, one or both of you may want a few nights a week (or more!) to yourselves. It’s common to feel disconnect over this; you may have imagined sleeping over every night while your partner feels like once a week and checking in on the phone the rest of the time is more than enough. (Both of your feelings on this may also shift as the novelty of living in the same place wears off!) Long-distance chats and check ins are often fit in around work or social commitments; spending time together in real life may mean you have to make a choice between date night and movie night with friends. 

Similarly, spending time together in person on visits is often precious and special, a romantic vacation. Time together when you live in the same city is almost the inverse: the pleasure is in how routine and mundane your shared time & space becomes. This shift isn’t bad at all, but may take some getting used to — and you and your partner may react differently to it.

Are you moving for a future or to avoid strife?

Long-distance relationships can be really challenging, especially over long distances or long periods of time. It can feel like the obvious choice is to do whatever’s necessary to be closer — and that might well be true!

Especially when emotions are high, however, it’s easy to make decisions out of fear and anxiety.
Are you considering this decision because of what you want to gain — a materially shared life, an opportunity to work towards relationship milestones that are challenging over distance, a specific kind of home or family — or because you’re afraid you’ll lose the relationship or connection if you don’t? It’s not unreasonable to worry about that, and it doesn’t mean it’s the wrong decision per se, but decisions made out of reactionary fear tend not to lead to sustainable outcomes in the way that decisions made proactively in a forward direction do.

Especially if there are risks or major costs associated with your move, being honest with yourself about acting from fear can prevent what could be a difficult and painful choice. However, if you know you’re pursuing something rather than trying to prevent a scary outcome, and you’re confident that the choice to relocate carries only acceptable risk, it sounds like an exciting move full of potential!

Recommended Books:

The Long Distance Relationships Guidebook: A Comprehensive Guide to Flourish in Long Distance Relationships

The Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide: Secrets and Strategies from Successful Couples Who Have Gone the Distance

10,000 Miles for Love: Turn Long-Distance Relationships into Long-Lasting Love – A Practical and Soulful Guide for the Modern Woman

For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:

How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work

Staying Connected in a Long-Distance Relationship

Are You and Your Partner Ready to Move In Together?

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