Should I Take Her Back

Dear Dr. Frankie,

I met the woman I believe to be my soulmate about 2.5 years ago. I did not jump into a relationship with her because I wanted to be sure. After months of deliberation, I finally gave in to my feelings and decided to be with her. At that time, she had already told me that she was in love with me. I accepted her for her as she was and it felt good to be in a relationship where I had no expectations of my partner. Soon after we began a relationship I found out she was still talking to an ex. I was hurt and upset but chose to forgive her and continue with the stipulation that she not talk to this girl or anyone who may have something to do with this girl. I was insecure, jealous, and I had no trust. She felt controlled I felt betrayed. We worked and worked to get past this and finally did this summer. All was going very well or so I thought. Come to find out my soulmate was still not happy. She was telling people that we were not doing well. Our friends began to look at me differently, and life got strange but still I thought all was well.  Then out of the blue, well at least to me, she left one day. I found out after, she left to try to reconnect with a different ex. All the while she was telling me that she wanted to be with me. I am not sure what to do anymore. She left almost 4 months ago. We talk all the time. She tells me she wants to be with me but she still talks often to the ex, who I believe likes to string her along. I feel like I am plan B. I am afraid that this is how my life will always be. I feel like I deserve to be number one. I want to be with her. I want it to work out but she is not going to change and I should not want her to. I am really confused. Some days I am strong and ready to move on, others I am so sad. Do I keep trying or just let go? Please help me.

-Should I Take Her Back

Dear Should I Take Her Back,

It sounds like your ex-girlfriend may be confused herself.  Considering the issues around trust already, it may be an uphill battle to repair the relationship.  Not to say that it can’t happen, it can.  If you both decide to try the relationship again I would strongly recommend getting into couples counseling to really address the underlining issues and see if there are some skills you can use to resolve the issues in the relationship.  Before agreeing to go to couples counseling I’d ask yourself if you’re selling yourself short?  It seems that there were some valid reasons for your lack of trust and that there was a break down in communication with you feeling like things were going well in the relationship and she was unhappy. If you chose to end the relationship expect there to be denial, anger, bargaining (to have the relationship back), depression and acceptance.  The ending of a relationship is often experienced like a death where we go through a mourning process. I would take some time for yourself and really figure out if you are willing to accept the past and keep moving forward in the relationship knowing that there are trust issues or you could focus on yourself, gain back some energy, and pursue a future with someone else that you trust.  Either choice is up to you, I would start with taking a personal break for yourself to sort out your emotions, wants, and needs to be sure you make a decision that includes both consideration to logic and emotions.