We tend to focus on self-improvement with New Years’ resolutions — working out more, eating healthier, sleeping with our phones in the other room. It might be a good idea to apply some of this enthusiasm for improvement to your sex and dating life: giving up habits you know aren’t helping you and forming some healthier new ones in their place. I have some suggestions for where you can start: 

1. Be the one to message first on the apps

There’s so much you can’t control when you’re dating — who you like, who likes you, who’s available, whether you have the same interests and values, whether you’re sexually compatible. One of the few things you can control is taking the initiative. Especially if you’re a queer woman bemoaning how few women make the first move, be the change you want to see in the world and start messaging other people first when you match on dating apps (yes, even if you’re a bottom!). They may or may not respond, or respond the way you want them to, but you’ll know that if it doesn’t work out it’s not because you didn’t give it a shot.

2. Make your list of green & red flags

You can wait for someone perfect to materialize in your life effortlessly — maybe a hot coworker with everything you look for in a date will waltz into your life with a charming smile, but odds are better that you’ll need to take a somewhat more active role. Deciding for yourself your green flags, what’s most important to you in a relationship — and what’s a dealbreaker — means you can make more empowered decisions about your dating life rather than simply reacting to what life hands you and potentially settling for someone who doesn’t meet all your needs, but seems like the easiest option for someone to share your life with.

3. Give up passive aggression

Whether it’s because you come from a guess culture or because your family is uncomfortable with conflict, you may have historically found yourself rolling your eyes, muttering under your breath, or saying things like “if that’s what you think” and “fine, whatever” in the heat of the moment. Maybe you’ve caught yourself sighing loudly while doing the dishes to express discontent with inequity of household chores, or dropped hints and then become frustrated when they aren’t picked up on. There’s no one right communication style, but persistent passive aggression brings you — and your partners — compounded resentment you don’t need. Make your New Year’s resolution direct communication.

4. Prioritize your mental health

You can’t pour from an empty cup, as the saying goes — prioritizing your mental health is the foundation of healthy relationships with others. How Alanis Morisette-ironic would it be to meet the person of your dreams only to realize you’re not in a position to pursue things with them because your mental health is in a place where day to day living is a struggle? Focusing on therapy, treatment if applicable, a lifestyle that accommodates your mental health needs, and a strong support network means that you’ll be able to show up the way you want as much as possible on dates or in relationships.

5. Invest in your friendships

It might sound counterintuitive to commit to your friendships as a New Year’s sex & dating resolution, but strong friendships make all our relationships, including with ourselves and our partners, healthier. When you have a circle of supportive, close friends you can be honest and emotionally safe with, you have better mental health outcomes, you’re less likely to become codependent and enmeshed with a partner, less susceptible to toxic and abusive relationship dynamics, and have a social circle with whom you can spend healthy time away from your partner. When you inevitably get into conflict with a partner, are contemplating big milestones like moving in together or marriage, or are struggling with whether to break up, having other relationships in your life to lean on is key.

6. Get tested regularly

Lifestyle choices centered around safer sex is one of the ways you can demonstrate to potential partners that you’re trustworthy and reliable, and to yourself that you’re worth taking care of. If you’ve having any kind of partnered sex regularly, make it a resolution to get tested regularly too (yes, even if you’re having queer sex). While you’re at it, make it a habit to ask partners when they were last tested (and offer up your results as well). If you or a partner does have an STI, it doesn’t mean you can’t hook up, but does mean everyone did the right thing getting informed.

7. Set boundaries rather than expressing preferences

If you consistently try to communicate to people in your life how you want to be treated and then feel resentful when they don’t follow your directives — maybe even considering cutting them out of your life — this year is a great time to learn how to set boundaries effectively. It’s totally possible the people in your life are being disrespectful and inconsiderate; it’s also true that boundaries are something you take responsibility for with your actions, not something people can violate or invade on their own. Learn about how to set a successful boundary and change your life.

8. Fight fair

There’s no world in which you don’t have any fights or conflicts this year — with partners, with family, with friends — but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing, necessarily. Conflict can be healthy and generative, and even leave your relationship in better shape than it was before — but it takes some effort to have conflict in a way that’s respectful and constructive. Make it a resolution to be clear, fair, direct and receptive even when you’re upset and see what happens as a result.

9. Make a yes/no/maybe list

Talking about sex can be hard; talking about sex when you aren’t even sure what you want to say or ask for is even harder. Make it as easy for yourself as possible by figuring out the tricky stuff on your own, and maybe even learn something about yourself in the process by making your own yes/no/maybe list.

10. Masturbate more

Partnered sex can be hit or miss — whether you’re having it, whether it’s any good. Your relationship with yourself and your own body is significantly more autonomous. Whether you’re in a relationship or not, masturbating regularly helps you reduce stress, stay in touch with what you like and what feels good, and reaffirms your ability to experience pleasure with or without someone else. Give yourself the gift of masturbating more this year — and maybe the gift of a new toy to do it with.

Recommended Books:

Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

Come as You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life

Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection

For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:

One Tip for a Happier New Year: Make More Friends

Start the New Year off Right with a New Masturbation Routine

How to Make Sure Your Relationship Survives the Holidays

 

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