Casual sex can be fun, hot and fulfilling — and you deserve for it to be safe, too. If you’re using dating or hookup apps to find partners for casual, no-strings attached sex, there are steps you can take to make your encounters as secure as possible. Here’s what I recommend keeping in mind.

Navigating dating apps safely

Having any kind of digital presence — including social media — carries some inherent risk. But there’s plenty you can do to make using dating apps safer, more private and more secure. For instance:

• Avoid using your last name, or even using a nickname or pseudonym
• Don’t post photos that may identify where you live, including identifiable photos of your house
• Don’t share identifiable photos of your children (or any children in your life)
• Try not to offer your social media or phone number right away
• If you’re using a location-based app like Grindr, consider whether you want to share public photos of your face or keep them private to share only with matches

Planning your meetup

It’s helpful to discuss your interests and what you’re into ahead of meeting up, if only to make sure that you’re aligned enough in terms of what you want to do in bed that you’ll both have fun. This can be an involved discussion about sexual roles and kinks, or a brief back and forth confirming who’ll top. 

After compatibility is established, it’s a great idea to check in about some logistics, including safety. Who will host? What’s their place like? What safer sex practices do you both want to use? Do you need to check in about STI status or testing?

Verification and boundaries

Once you’ve matched and confirmed mutual interest, it’s helpful to verify identity if possible, especially if you’re on an app where faceless photos are the norm. If it’s an app that allows you to share more photos, that can be helpful; if not, you might have to have a quick video call or meet in person in a public place (always a good idea anyway!). It’s also not a bad idea to reverse image search photos from their profile, just to confirm they aren’t an obvious catfish. 

If you’re moving forward with planning a hookup, it can also be useful to sketch out any boundaries or hard limits you have. Casual partners don’t have the time and space to learn your needs and boundaries that long-term partners do, which makes it more important to communicate these clearly and directly up front. If there’s an activity you’re not into, language you don’t want used, or a part of your body you don’t want touched, it’s useful to get that on the table explicitly.

Having a safe, fun hookup

If possible, it’s always best to meet in a public place prior to going somewhere more private for a hookup. This helps you verify that the person you’re meeting is who you thought they were on the apps, and also gives you a chance to assess the vibe — it’s always possible someone seemed hot and chill in photos but gives you a bad feeling in person. A public meetup doesn’t have to be a lengthy date; it’s fine to meet at a bar or coffeeshop near someone’s apartment for a quick 15-minute drink just to confirm details and safer sex plans and then head out to hook up. Meeting near where you plan to hook up can also help you confirm location and travel plans for if you change your mind or want to leave — if you don’t drive, is this person’s apartment near public transportation or someplace you could easily get a rideshare? If not, you may want to reconsider or reschedule.

If you do choose to leave a public place to pursue things with your date, it’s smart to let someone else know: text a friend the address you’re going to, and/or share your location on your phone. Let them know a time you expect to either be back home or to check in, so that they’ll know something is up if they don’t hear from you by that time. (If you’re hosting someone else, let a friend know that and what that person’s details are.) And most importantly, make sure your date knows you’re informing someone else of your plans. 

Once you’re in a private place, continue to communicate about what you want and what feels good to you, including what safer sex practices you want to use. Remember that you can change your mind or withdraw consent at any point, including changing your mind about what you’re up for.

Assessing feelings and communicating boundaries for the future

Is this someone you’d like to see again? Do they feel the same way? If your hookup is someone you’re interested in a casual, consistent dynamic with, it’s a great idea to share a little bit about what worked best for you and what didn’t. Everyone loves hearing that they were hot and fun and great in bed; being in a casual dynamic with someone doesn’t mean you can’t offer compliments and let them know what a good time you had.

If there was anything that didn’t work as well for you — something that didn’t feel as good as you wanted, a time you didn’t communicate well or weren’t fully listened to, or something that was difficult emotionally or triggering — it’s also helpful to share that. It doesn’t mean criticizing or attacking your partner, but providing constructive feedback for any future hookups: “Next time, could we do this differently?”

It’s also great to solicit feedback from your date — yes, even if you’re a bottom. Just asking “how was it for you?” or asking if there’s anything else they’d like to try in the future can go a long way.

Recommended Books:

Getting It

Guide To Getting It On

Hot and Unbothered: How to Think About, Talk About, and Have the Sex You Really Want

 

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