Dear Dr. Frankie,
It’s been almost a year since my last girlfriend. I am a super affectionate, and outgoing lesbian, and seemingly doing all the right things in life. I have a constant influx of opportunities with very eligible men. However, when it comes to women, I constantly feel rejected and/or am imminent of rejection. It’s very difficult being a lesbian. Numbers alone tell us only 2-5 percent of the population is lesbian, which is why we hardly encounter any potential mates in our day-to-day life. The other day, I passed a strip club on my way home and peered in. When I walked in, they asked me, “are you here to audition”? They told me I should audition, and that I have potential to make a lot of money. It’s sad that I seriously considered it (and still am). I really just want to feel desired and valued. The idea of being wanted in a reliable way seems like a nice way to mask my emptiness. Being alone the majority of my life has been challenging and makes me cry sometimes out of anger. What should I do to keep myself from becoming a stripper?
Let’s start with the obvious point that pursuing a stripper career isn’t your only way to get “positive” attention and find fulfillment. It also seems to be kind of a drastic departure from what you are craving. It might be worth peeling back a few layers of the proverbial onion to see if there are other areas in your life where you might not feel appreciated or valued. A void in one area can often magnify the others. For example, if you aren’t satisfied with your job, it might make you feel even worse about your single relationship status. Another problem we face in the lesbian dating community is our ambiguous roles. In the hetero world the male/female roles are more defined. A man is taught either directly or from inference from an early age that it is his job to pursue a woman. Men are expected to be the dominant and more aggressive individual. As women we have not been taught these same expectations or skills. In the lesbian community I often find that even the most confident or butch women wait passively for another woman to express interest. Well ladies, how are we supposed to get anywhere if we are all standing around the bar like delicate lotus flowers, wishing someone else would make the first move?? Think about whether you are guilty of this behavior. Do you often wait for others to approach you? If you can honestly say that you take charge and approach women that you’re interested in, then kudos to you! My next question would be are you approaching women in your league? Unfortunately we live in a society obsessed with looks, weight and hair styles. As I always say, be the woman you want to date. If you want to snag a ten (and there is nothing wrong with that) then figure out how to (tastefully) showcase your natural gifts (looks, wit, humor, intellect, fitness level, style, etc) so you can compete in the big leagues. I say swing for the fences but also be aware of your audience. You are certainly not alone in feeling like it can be difficult to find a compatible match. It takes time, commitment and courage to step out of your comfort zone. By this I mean having the guts to strike up a conversation with a woman, while knowing she might reject you. Keep in mind that any normal, healthy woman worth dating in the first place would never snub you. Her response even if she isn’t available or interested should be one of kindness and appreciation that you put yourself in such a vulnerable spot. It is certainly a way to immediately find out about someone’s character. And stay positive! Positivity attracts positivity. Don’t get discouraged because our dating pool is smaller than the straight world’s – jump right in and see what the future holds! Fortune favors the bold!