Your perfect partner is not going to fall out of thin air. She’s not going to just show up at your door one day and introduce herself. They’re not going to catch your eye from across a crowded space and not stop until you’re theirs. She’s not going to organically fall into your lap with no effort from you whatsoever.
As a professional lesbian matchmaker, I’ve worked with hundreds of women looking for “the one.” Or at least, they say they’re looking for the one. What they really want is to meet their perfect woman, effortlessly. A sense of fun and adventure, but down to earth. Successful but not a workaholic. Physically fit but not obsessive about it. Supportive but independent. Responsible but spontaneous. Secure in her single status but open to a healthy, loving, committed long-term relationship.
This woman exists, and she is everywhere. So why haven’t you found her?
Since I started Little Gay Book in 2009, I’ve heard countless women share their dating struggles. Though everyone’s individual circumstances are slightly different, the struggles are so similar. You’re too busy to date. Or you don’t know where to meet queer women and people. You think your type is impossible to find. Or you can find her but you have no idea how to date successfully. You believe everyone but you has baggage. And so on. I recognized the need for a system for lesbian women to meet each other, to get out of their comfort zones, and actually connect, face-to-face. Through my experience working with single lesbians, I’ve learned the most common dating problems and how to overcome them.
If you’re serious about finding the lesbian of your dreams, here are my seven tips to actually find her.
1. Dating is a numbers game.
It takes seven dates with seven different women to meet someone with whom you connect. That’s right: SEVEN. And yet most of us do more research into a new car than we do on a compatible partner. Dating requires time and resources. You have to make time for dinner, coffee, drinks, and walks with strangers to find out if you want to get to know each other. If you want a relationship to be part of your life, then you have to prioritize it just like you would anything else important to you. You would want your date to do the same for you.
2. Dating is not U-Hauling.
Instant monogamy might protect us from being alone, but when we choose convenience over true compatibility, it doesn’t last. If you love each other and believe the relationship will last enough to decide to move in together, then the relationship will last if you decide to wait a year, too. Moving too fast is a way to avoid being alone – but being alone can be a way to be a better partner. If it’s going to last, it will last if you don’t move too fast. If it isn’t, why would you move in together anyway?
3. Lesbian dating isn’t really about dating – it’s about you.
Sure, you might have a laundry list of what you’re looking for in a partner. But what can you offer in return? Who are you when you’re being the best possible version of yourself, and how can you take steps to bring that person closer? If you want a partner who is financially secure, how can you practice that yourself? If you want someone who’s physically strong, how can you strengthen yourself? When was the last time you took a hard look at what in your wardrobe actually suits you and donated what doesn’t?
If you don’t approach life with a growth and curiosity mindset, why would anyone else approach you that way? Practice real self-care, get good at hanging out with yourself and heal from your past as you step forwards into your future.
4. Dig deeper.
The work of self-improvement has to go deeper than a closet clear out and a new haircut.
Old issues are not going to solve themselves. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve worked with and recognized a need for therapy, or a serious realignment of expectations.
If you’re still carrying around old baggage, set it down for good through therapy or self-help. Admitting you have issues is not the end of the world. Showing that you’re working on them is much more attractive than denying that they’re there. A great partner cannot repair your lack of trust, dissolve your fear of intimacy, or help you get over your ex. It’s not her job to fix you. It’s yours.
5. Forgive your exes.
If you’re still struggling with old guilt, sadness, or just general malaise about your ex, the best thing you can do for the health of your future romantic relationships is to forgive her. Don’t do it for her, do it for yourself. Write a letter that you will never send. Write down all the ways your relationship was bad and held you back, and then all the ways you’re grateful for your time together. Once you’ve said everything you’ve had to say until there is nothing left to write, stop. Then burn the letter.
Closure comes from within. Making peace with your past and releasing resentment will open your heart to a whole new world of possibilities.
6. Stop questioning and start asking.
The two questions single lesbians ask me most frequently are: “How do I know if she’s a lesbian?” and “How do I approach her?”
The only way to find out whether someone is interested in you is to ask. All the Instagram stalking in the world can’t substitute for, “I really like your hair, your outfit, the point you made in that meeting, the way you just xyz. Would you like to go out with me?” Make your interest known. Flirting with another lesbian is a simple as offering a series of hooks. The premise is simple: Make eye contact. Does she reciprocate? Does she smile? Does she seem intrigued, shy, wary, or uninterested? Reading between the lines is one of the hardest aspects of dating, and a major source of anxiety and confusion for lesbians. So be direct enough that no reading is necessary.
7. Tried everything and nothing works?
If you still feel lost, dating coaching can help you figure out what in your expectations, beliefs, or approach are getting in your own way. You’d be surprised what can come up when you unpack everything with a professional. A dating coach is a very practical way of gaining honest, unbiased insight, and the kind of clear guidance that your friends simply can’t offer. Find out more about LGB Dating Coaching.
Everyone woman deserves love – righteous, healthy, and free. That is why I’ve devoted my career to helping women navigate the lesbian dating world by giving them the tools they need to find lasting, meaningful, healthy relationships.
We should expect nothing less.