Lesbian Dating: When She Doesn’t Fall From the Sky, What Next?

Many of us are conditioned to believe that our life partners will organically fall into our laps.

As a professional lesbian matchmaker, I’ve worked with hundreds of women seeking “The One,” and I’ve heard their idea of a perfect mate described to me again and again:

My perfect match has a great sense of humor, likes adventure, travel and fun, but is also down to earth. She’s reasonably fit, emotionally intelligent,and financially secure.She’s supportive, but independent; responsible, but spontaneous; and is open to a healthy, loving, long-term relationship.

While many women dismiss this description as “a unicorn,” there’s good news: She exists. She is everywhere. The woman you want to meet is waiting to meet you, too. So, why haven’t you found her yet?

Many of us are conditioned to believe that our life partners will organically fall into our laps with little effort on our part.

Any sort of “plan” to find a partner feels contrived, transactional and decidedly unromantic. We passively leave the biggest part of our happiness to chemistry, chance, and the universe, while we concentrate on our jobs, our routines, and everything that’s comfortable and keeps us occupied.

When I started Little Gay Book, in 2009, I listened to women express the same dating struggles. Their struggles were ALL the same:

  • They are too busy
  • They are uncertain where the women are
  • Their type of woman is impossible to find
  • They have no idea how to date successfully
  • They believe all other lesbians have baggage…. (and so on…)

I saw a significant need for a system for lesbian women to meet each other, to get out of their comfort zones, and actually connect, face-to-face. Through my experience working with single lesbians, I’ve learned the most common dating problems and how to overcome them.

If you’re serious about finding the lesbian of your dreams, here are my 7 tips for actually finding her:

1. Dating is a numbers game

It takes seven dates with seven different women to actually meet one that you connect with. That’s right. SEVEN. And yet, we spend more time and energy shopping for a new car than we do to find a compatible partner. If you’re serious about finding HER,  dating requires devoting time in your schedule for dinners, coffees, and drinks with strangers to find out who they are. If every hour of every day is filled with work or other obligations, you’re not going to have the time (or the energy) to truly focus on getting to know another individual. And isn’t that what you expect from someone who is going on a date with YOU?

2. Dating is not U-Hauling

The polar opposite of the woman who has no time to meet the “right” woman is the one who meets, melds and moves in with the “right-now” woman. Instant monogamy might protect us from being alone, but when we choose convenience over true compatibility, it doesn’t last. Eventually,we break up and we’re devastated. Then, we either repeat the cycle with the next “right-now” woman, or build walls around our hearts and bemoan that there are no quality women out there.

3. Lesbian dating isn’t really about dating: It’s about you

I can’t tell you how many women I’ve consulted that have a laundry list of traits they’re looking for in a partner, but gave almost no thought to what they are offering. We all want to be loved for who we genuinely are, but let’s face it; we can all be better versions of ourselves.

Some improvements are quick and easy. Try a new hairstyle, update your wardrobe,take up an activity or hobby. If you’re out of shape, start exercising. If you’re out of the loop, take time to read more. In short, spruce up your house before inviting someone into it.

4. Dig deeper

Some self-improvements aren’t as simple as a cool haircut or a new jacket. Old issues are not going to solve themselves. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve worked with and recognized a need for therapy, or a serious realignment of expectations.

If you’re still carrying around old baggage, set it down for good through therapy or self-help. Admitting you have issues is not the end of the world. Showing that you’re working on them is much more attractive than denial. A great partner cannot repair your lack of trust, dissolve your fear of intimacy, or help you get over your ex. It’s not her job to fix you. She can’t, even if she wanted to.

5. Forgive your exes

If you’re still struggling with old guilt, sadness, or just general malaise about your ex, the best thing you can do for the health of your future romantic relationships, is to forgive her; not for her, but for yourself. Write her a letter, call her, meet her in person, or if only in your mind and heart, say, “I forgive you for hurting me.” Making peace with your past and releasing resentment will open your heart to a whole new world of possibilities. Besides, talking about your ex during a first date is a well known second date killer.

6. Stop questioning and start asking

The two questions single lesbians ask me most frequently are: “How do I know if she’s a lesbian?” and “How do I approach her?”

A woman’s hair, nails, clothes, politics or playlist are not going to clue you in to her romantic preferences.The only way you’re going to find out if she dates women is by talking to her. I always advise my clients: “Be bold. Tell her she’s attractive, compliment her on something.” There’s absolutely nothing wrong with giving a compliment. If she starts talking to you, you’ve opened the door to learning what you want to know about her.

Making your interest in her known is actually very easy. Flirting with a lesbian is a simple as offering a series of hooks. The premise is simple: Make eye contact. Does she reciprocate? Does she smile? Does she seem intrigued, shy, wary or uninterested? Reading between the lines is one of the hardest aspects of dating, and a major source of anxiety and confusion for lesbians (I have a several posts about how to boost your confidence in lesbian dating, how to go on your first lesbian date, and how to date in your 30’s, how to lesbian date in your 40’s…. check those posts out before you give up).

7. Tried everything and nothing works?

I recommend dating coaching. Is there something in your expectations, your beliefs about love and relationships,or your dating patterns that are keeping you from meeting someone? You’d be surprised what we start to reveal when we start unpacking all our “stuff.” A dating coach is a very practical way of gaining honest, unbiased insight, and the kind of clear guidance that your friends simply can’t offer. Find out more about LGB Dating Coaching.

Every woman deserves love – righteous, healthy, free form love. That is why I’ve devoted my career to helping women navigate the lesbian dating world by giving them the tools they need to find lasting, meaningful, healthy relationships.

We should expect nothing less.

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