Since I posted my advice to Lorrie about how to deal with her lack of attraction to her partner, I’ve received many emails from other women struggling with similar issues.
Lesbian Bed Death is a terrible three-letter phrase for a very common relationship stage (and apparently a female-fronted goth punk band), that every long-term couple complains of.
According to Wikipedia, lesbian bed death was coined by sociologist Pepper Schwartz in 1983, after finding that, “Lesbian couples in committed relationships have less sex than any other type of couple…” The study has been criticized by the lesbian community and some psychologists as popular myth.
Frequency of sex is a very individual need not only for each woman involved, but also for each couple. Several times a week may be your preferred amount and once a month may be your girlfriend’s. It’s a thick topic and one that requires empathy, compassion and honesty by both parties.
However, there is ONE thing that you can do as a couple to battle lesbian bed death: Make Sex a Priority. Sounds simple, right? It is.
The two of you have to decide to make sex a priority in your relationship and devote time and resources to it.
I can just hear many of you right now giving me a colossal eye roll. “But, Dr. Frankie, we’ve tried and it’s just not like it was! We used to have an explosive sexual relationship and now it’s just not…” Yes, that happens.
Once you’re past the first phase of a relationship, with your hormones leveling off, sex is never going to be as loaded as it was when you were first together. You need to acknowledge that and appreciate that initial phase for what it was, accepting that you are currently in another phase.
However, maybe you love her very much, but you just don’t want to have sex with her? Or maybe you’re getting older and your sex drive is dropping? Or perhaps the stress of work, kids and family are making it difficult to feel sexy?
All of these things are real and not easily tackled in one little blog post.
However, hope is not lost.
There are many resources out there to help you understand what you’re experiencing and how to creatively find a solution.
Below are a selection of my Ask Dr. Frankie advice responses from women just like yourself, struggling with a variety of lesbian sex situations. My advice includes real, practical tips for reviving your sex life. I’ve included links to my videos and Curve Magazine posts.
Additionally, I’ve included links to a few self assessment tools and scolars’ work, who have contributed to helping us create passionate, loving, sexually satisfying relationships.
ASK DR. FRANKIE
Lesbian Bed Death
Stone Cold Lesbian Bed Death
Taking it Slow In Bed
Sex on the Down Low
The Sex Talk: Bed Death
Full Playlist of “The Sex Talk,” Videos w/Dr. Frankie
“If Everything is Great Except the Sex, Will It Last?”
“Can 2 Lesbian Tops Enjoy a Good Sex Life?”
Full Playlist of “Ask Dr. Frankie” Videos w/Dr. Frankie
CURVE MAGAZINE: Dr. Frankie’s Love Seat
Is It Really Better to be Friends First?
Full list of Dr. Frankie’s Love Seat at Curve Magazine
TOOLS, AUTHORS & SCOLARS
DR. ELAINE HATFIELD, PsyD., is a scholar who pioneered the scientific study of passionate love and sexual desire. Her Passionate Love Scale is a great self-assessement tool.
In Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, couples therapist/author Esther Perel explores the possibility of sexual desire co-existing with intimacy. Read more…
The Museum of Sex in New York City has a great online tool for deciphering your “Sex Type.”
Now that you’ve made it to the bottom of my lesbian bed death email, what are your thoughts? Helpful? Not Helpful? What did you like most? Least? Email us. I’d love to hear from you.