No matter how old we get, the power of a crush can still knock us off our feet out of nowhere. Whether it’s the cute barista at the place by your apartment or the friend of a friend who comes to game night, you can find yourself with butterflies in your stomach at any turn — even if you’re already in a relationship with someone else. How big of a problem is this if you’re monogamous? Here’s what I recommend keeping in mind.

Attraction on its own is morally neutral

To be clear, there’s no infidelity or moral failure implied by simply experiencing attraction to someone other than your partner. No matter how monogamous or how in love you are, being attracted to other people at one point or another is just part of being human, even if it’s just sighing over your favorite celebrity athlete or pop star. A partner who expects you to give up even celebrity crushes or unfollow everyone that makes them insecure on Instagram is likely acting out of a desire for control, not the best interests of your relationship.

Generally speaking, it isn’t useful or reasonable to feel guilt or shame about how we feel; it only makes sense to assign those emotions based on how we act and what we choose. It isn’t cheating — or otherwise morally questionable — to experience authentic attraction to other people, either in pop culture or in your day to day life. If it brings you a little joy to look forward to seeing from afar the hot stranger who takes the same train as you on your morning commute, there’s no need to punish yourself for it; just know your partner may have their own equivalent counterpart crush.

Being honest about whether your crush is innocent or actionable

In deciding what it means to have a crush in the context of your relationship, it’s helpful to evaluate how “real” it is and how much of it is a harmless fantasy, like imagining yourself winning the lottery.

Plenty of crushes are entirely unattainable: celebrities, strangers on the street, happily married friends or coworkers. And crucially, these folks are usually far enough removed from our daily lives that forming a real attachment to them with any depth is pretty unlikely. Instead, they’re relegated safely to the realm of pure fantasy and away from your real life.

On the other hand, if you’re developing feelings for someone you see often in real life or have some existing social dynamic with, this crush has a chance to go somewhere more realistic than your crush on Channing Tatum, and thus needs to be approached differently. Are there circumstances under which this crush could potentially grow into something more, either because they may also be interested in you or because you share a lot of intimacy or day to day life with them? If so, how does that make you feel? It doesn’t mean you need to feel guilt about your crush, but does mean you may want to think more intentionally about how you want to handle these feelings.

How to get rid of a crush

If you’ve realized you’re in the throes of a crush that does genuinely feel like it poses a problem to your relationship, either in terms of your inner feelings or external actions, you aren’t totally helpless in the face of your feelings. Much like we can learn strategies to calm down when we’re angry or center ourselves when we’re anxious, you can take actions to reduce the intensity and prominence of your crush. Try:

• Spend less (or zero) time around your crush if possible. Opt to work on different projects than them at work, stop inviting them to solo social plans, and avoid sending them memes.
• Limit communication to or about your crush. If you usually text them during the day or give your group chat updates about everything they say or do, work on reining in that habit.
• Notice when you’re ruminating on your crush and redirect. Maybe you have a habit of daydreaming about your crush while you’re in traffic or falling asleep, or imagining what they’re doing while you’re at work. Practice noticing when you return to these familiar thoughts, and gently redirect yourself elsewhere — the same skill as focusing during mindfulness meditation.

If your crush is someone you’re close to or have significant social ties with, it may be difficult (or come off as rude) to abruptly stop communicating or spending time with them. If this is the case, it may be helpful to have a direct conversation explaining that you’ve developed a crush and need to take some space to let it cool off. While this can feel vulnerable, it may be preferable to letting a close friend or someone you care about wonder if they’ve done something wrong or feel punished for no reason.

What if I don’t want to get rid of my crush?

The course of true love (and crushes) never did run smooth, and while it may be that the most convenient way forward is to extinguish your crush and settle back into your comfortable monogamous relationship, it’s also possible that isn’t always the best choice for you (or what you really want).

Sometimes, if we’re experiencing strong feelings about other people or the idea of other relationships seemingly out of nowhere, it may be a sign that we’re feeling unfulfilled or our needs aren’t being met in our relationship (even if that’s the need for attention and affection). Crushes can grow out of sexual attraction, but they can also grow out of a desire to get our needs met — if the cute, kind person at work is asking thoughtful questions about your life and your thoughts & feelings when your partner at home has seemed indifferent and incurious about you for months, not answering your bids, it’s not surprising that your coworker might provoke feelings. Notice what you’re feeling drawn to in other people, and ask if it corresponds to any gaps or less fulfilling parts of your relationship. Are those issues something you feel can be fixed?

It’s also possible that you’re feeling ambivalent about shutting down this crush because you genuinely feel strongly about this person — this can happen to almost anyone, and while it’s a difficult situation, it doesn’t inherently speak to your moral fortitude as a person. The question is, as always, what you choose to do about how you feel. If you think you have real feelings and something you might want to really pursue with someone outside your relationship, what does it look like to handle that with authenticity, fairness and honesty to all parties (including yourself)?If this is a situation you find yourself in habitually, and have struggled in the past with how to manage strong feelings about others outside of a monogamous relationship, it doesn’t make you a fundamentally bad person either — but it may mean that monogamous relationships aren’t the best fit for you. It could be helpful to explore non-monogamy, either with a partner(s) or solo, and think about what a lifestyle might look like where you could honor your strong feelings for multiple people without feeling shame or enacting harm.

Recommended Books:

Crush

Thriving in Non-Monogamy An Ethical Slut’s Guide

Mating in Captivity

 

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