As snow falls and the big box stores begin playing Christmas carols, many of us are circling around a big milestone: bringing a partner home for the holidays, maybe for the first time. Meeting family for the first time at the beginning of a relationship is often fraught; even when it goes well, it’s a big deal. Here’s what I tell friends and clients about how to make sure introducing their partner to family for the first time goes as well as possible. 

1. Ideally, make time-bound plans in a neutral setting

Meeting a partner’s parents or family for the first time can feel high-stakes, and the pressure to make a good first impression can feel intense (for everyone). One way to avoid making this even more high-stakes than it needs to be is by choosing a setting for this interaction that puts everyone on the same footing. This means a neutral setting, ideally one that isn’t where anyone involved lives — a café, lunch spot or walk by the river are all great options. (Alternatively, an event or activity where there’s a separate focus other than just getting to know each other, like a function or community event!)

It can also be helpful for the event to have some kind of time limit; it’s easier for everyone to be the best version of themselves when they know it will be for two hours. It may also make it a less daunting experience for your partner — meeting parents can be very intimidating!

2. Set everyone up for success as much as possible

There are times it may not be realistic to have your partner and family’s first meeting during a tight 90-minute lunch at a benign local sandwich shop. For instance, if you live across the country from your family of origin, bringing a partner home for a holiday visit may be the most realistic option, even if that means it’s kind of an intense proposition. It can be difficult to meet new people with whom your relationship will be important when you’re also their houseguest for one of the most stressful times of the year. 

Whether this is the case or not, it will help everyone if you can set them up for success as much as possible. Make sure everyone has relevant information, context and social story about each other — for instance, making sure your family is rock solid on pronouncing your partner’s name, using their pronouns, navigating their sobriety status, etc. (If your family can’t be relied upon to get your partner’s name or pronouns right, perhaps rethink introducing them or staying at their place.) Make sure your partner knows relevant information about your family — who are you close with? Who has common interests with them? Who follows the same sports teams as them and can make conversation?

It’s also helpful to try to think about any other accommodations you can make that might help the interaction go smoother — if your grandparent is sharper and clearer in the early mornings, it might be best to work around their schedule for social plans. If your partner is an introvert who values alone time, making sure they have access to a guest bedroom where they can take time to themselves during big family events could be helpful.

3. Be attuned to your partner’s experience & needs

Maybe you’ve had the experience of attending a party, family gathering or social event with a friend or loved one and then having them disappear, leaving you to fend for yourself with strangers. Of course, it’s best not to do this! Whether it’s for an hour or a week, make an effort to stay attuned to how your partner is doing and what kind of experience they’re having. Are they trapped in a corner with your cousin who likes to monologue about cryptocurrency? Do they have an unsettled look on their face after a conversation with your dad and it might be a good idea to check in?

In a similar vein, stay attuned to moments where it might be important to set boundaries or establish expectations during social exchanges. If a family member behaves inappropriately, be prepared to intervene in the moment and make clear that it isn’t okay; if your partner is on the defensive with your family, make it clear that you back them. Similarly, it’s entirely possible your partner may step on toes or bumble a family norm; try to stay engaged in the moment and help reset rather than leaving anyone out to dry.

4. Accept that your partner and family might not like each other as much as you like them

Assuming we have a good relationship with our families, it’s usually our dream that our favorite person also becomes the favorite person of our families, and vice versa. (If we don’t have a good relationship with our families, we may have other totally different hopes and dreams about our partner interacting with them.) This is a completely normal thing to want, but going in for a specific outcome like this may put undue pressure on everyone involved. 

Instead, try to aim for just having as successful a first interaction as possible — whatever that looks like realistically for your relationship and your family. However your partner and your family members authentically feel about each other after that is up to them. It’s not your job to make anyone like or love each other, just to do your best in all your relationships.

5. Take feedback for next time

If your relationship is a serious or long-term one, this won’t be a one-time interaction. Listen to your partner — and your family — about what could go better next time, even if it’s hard to hear. Does your partner feel strongly that you should stay at a hotel next time, or that they don’t want to go to family events if your one racist cousin is also going to be there? Taking them seriously now will help build trust, and will make future family events less likely to end in conflict or resentment.

Recommended Books:

The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

The Set Boundaries Workbook: Practical Exercises for Understanding Your Needs and Setting Healthy Limits

Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: Honor Your Emotions, Nurture Your Self, and Live with Confidence

For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:

How to Make Sure Your Relationship Survives the Holidays

How To Introduce Your Older/Younger Lesbian Partner To Your Family

Supporting Your Partner With A Difficult Family

 

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