How to Date a Lesbian Top

How to Date a Lesbian Top

Want to start meeting and dating lesbian tops? You’ve come to the right place.

You might have heard about the “top shortage,” or even feel like you’re experiencing it yourself. You’ve had a few dates with women who seemed like paromising lesbian tops, only to find yourself leading the conversation, reaching for the check, or leaning in first for a kiss (but let’s be real, there hasn’t been any kissing). Or you might be staring at your app matches and asking yourself, why aren’t they making a move?

This article was originally published at datingadvice.com

Get Clear On What (And Who) You’re Looking For

noah-buscher-hDlIX2hq5u8-unsplash 964311 MyGirlfriendWontHaveSexWithMe

Before you ask yourself these questions, ask a bigger one: when you say you’re looking for a lesbian top, what do you really mean? “Top” is a word so broad that it’s practically meaningless.

Are you looking for someone who wants to chase you? Someone who will open doors for you and order your favorite drink without even asking? Or in the more classic sense, someone who will be physically on top and taking an active, penetrative role in sex? 

Take a few minutes right now to get clear on what you mean when you say you’re looking for a top.

In the middle of a piece of paper, write and circle the words “my dream top.” Without self-judgment, fill the space around the circle with words you associate with your dream top. Are they more dominant sexually? Comfortable strapping on or gloving up? More experienced in relationships? Taller than you, in or out of heels? Maybe the physical attributes don’t matter as much as their steady, sultry voice, or the fact they always pay, or the fact that they own lots of sex toys? 

Once your page is filled, draw a double circle around the five attributes most important to you – the dealbreakers without which you wouldn’t consider a second date. Then, look at some of the other factors and really consider which are important to you, and which might be coming from your idea of what a top should be. Who says tops have to be taller than bottoms, or able-bodied, or butch? Who says they’re the ones who talk to the server? Who says they can never, ever switch? Once you’re clear on what you want in a top, and not just what you think a top should be, it’s time to try to connect with one. 

Broaden Your Search

There are as many definitions of “top” as there are bottoms. If you normally sort potential dates, sight unmet, into “tops” and “no thank yous,” widen your search. Be open to connecting with a lot of people, acknowledging that you might only get to know one or two. Top-ness is made, not born. Plenty of shy, quiet people are killer tops, just as many confident, outspoken, successful people are huge bottoms.

Make the First Move


You, a bottom, make the first move? Isn’t the whole point of dating tops that they do that? 

Not exactly. 

If you want to get serious about connecting with and dating tops, you have to get comfortable with approaching them. Just because the top shortage isn’t real doesn’t mean you should sit around batting your eyelashes and waiting for the right top to pluck you from the sea of bottoms. Being proactive, whether that means sharing what about their profile caught your eye and asking a follow-up question or walking across the room to offer to buy them a drink, will help you stand out and increase your chances of connecting with quality tops. After all, you know how to treat them like a hot, whole person. 

Treat Them Like A Person First, Rather Than A Top First

No one likes to be reduced to a set of skills and parts. You wouldn’t like it if a partner thought of you as just a hole (unless you have a safeword), so thinking of a potential partner as a set of body parts attached to some fingers or a strap-on (again, unless you have a safeword) is a great way to quickly alienate potential partners. Do not under any circumstances say “you’re such a top!” when they tell you about their job or exes or cats. Pretend you’re just two equal people on a date and trying to learn more about each other and feel for a connection — because you are.


Healthy relationships involve everyone acting as partners and equals, with energy flowing both ways. “Energy” can include attention, emotional support, sex, touch, time, and money. 

Maybe your dream top takes the reins in bed. Being their dream bottom doesn’t mean laying back and falling asleep afterwards – it means being a co-conspirator in your pleasure together, and probably getting everyone water and a snack afterwards.

I have a friend who’s a top who won’t even consider dating a new bottom until they clean their whole house. Their reason? Too many dates were exoticizing my friend for being a top, and expecting them to make contact, set up dates, host, top, provide aftercare, and pay for dinner later. By asking new bottoms to clean their house, they were guaranteeing reciprocity and weeding out leeches.

You don’t have to offer to deep-clean a strangers’ whole house before you ask them out. But you do have to know what you bring to the table, and be prepared to show up with it.

The Take Away

When you’re looking to date a lesbian top, start with yourself first.

  • What about a lesbian top is most attractive to you?
  • What do you really mean when you think about dating a lesbian top?
  • When you meet the lesbian top of your dreams, how will you reciprocate?
  • Must she always be dominant or will you allow her to switch?
  • How might you broaden your search for the perfect top?
  • Why do you think you can’t find one?

All of these questions will help you get clear on who and what you’re looking for. For more information on lesbian sex, read our other posts on lesbian sex:

Lesbian Bed Death

Girlfriend Won’t Have Sex With Me

Benefits of Lesbian Sex

How to Have Better Lesbian Sex

Take the Butch-Femme Quiz

take the Butch

Quiz me!