Sex on the Down Low

Dear Dr. Frankie,

I was in an incredible five-month relationship with a woman. We were planning vacations together and I thought we were very close. We talked and texted all day long. We slept together and even made love 48 hours straight. One day she told me she could not take the stress and after a hot five month affair she told me she is done. She said she needed a break and doesn’t even think we could be friends. I want to know what did I do wrong and was whatever I did so bad that I needed to be punished and completely cut off? She admits she misses sex and contact but remains stoic. She did say she was open to still having sex with me as long as her friends didn’t find out. I told her that is too high school since we are 49 and 50 years old. I really want her back in my life and am wondering if perhaps sex is the first step.

Dear Crushed,

It sounds as if you and this woman developed a very intense relationship over the course of those five months. It also sounds as if the relationship became too intense for her, despite your obvious physical chemistry. Do yourself a favor though and try not to receive her message as a “punishment”. If she did not communicate to you that you did something wrong, don’t assume that you did. It’s natural to assume the worst when a relationship sours, especially if the other half is not communicating with you. Take this opportunity to gain some perspective on your relationship.

The fact that she is open to having a sexual relationship with you as long as her friends don’t find out is a HUGE red flag. I do agree with you that the kind of secret arrangement she is open to is definitely reminiscent of high school. From what you describe it does not sound like she is either emotionally available and/or interested in a serious relationship. Since you still have strong feelings for her I would caution you against becoming intimate with her. Move on and find someone who shares a common interest in a more meaningful relationship.

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