Bisexual and Online

Dear Dr Frankie,

I am a single Bisexual woman. I have been equally attracted to both genders all my life, however recently I have felt a stronger pull towards woman. This might have to do with my recent break up with my ex of nine years.

I have gone to a local gay bar and also created an OkCupid account, but I have had little luck. I have never had sexual relations with a woman, but I am not the type of person to break monogamy. However, I can’t bring myself to list my sexuality as gay because I want to have an honest relationship with another woman.

At the bar I go to there are very few woman who strike my interest.  When there is someone I am attracted too I become very shy and socially inept. I don’t drink so I find myself hiding behind my friends instead of getting “out there.” I am also extremely nervous about bar culture. I am not looking for a one night stand or a superficial, short term relationship. I want something committed and long term.

I know it’s only been a few months since my past relationship but I am becoming worried that since I don’t fit into a nice little lesbian niche, and because I identify as bisexual, that no woman would ever want to be with me.  And if such a woman actually exists, I have no clue how, when and where to meet her. Obviously the internet and the local bar are not the answer. Please help.

Dear Niche-less

It sounds like it may be helpful to figure out what dating site is most popular for lesbians in your area.

You don’t have to necessarily identify yourself as lesbian especially when you don’t feel comfortable doing so. Try to find a way to speak to the fact that you’ve become clearer in recent years that you prefer women. Be specific about your reasons in your profile. Your profile should be short and to the point. Your explanation will help reduce a reader’s anxiety around the issue of bisexuality.

There are many different ways to meet new women in your community and there is no right way. Therefore I suggest casting a wide net and leaving all of your options open. Keep a profile up on a national site as well as a local dating site. Regularly view meetup.com groups that may be of interest. There may be a bisexual meetup.com group in your area which would be an excellent option to consider. Depending on where you live and how popular Craigslist is consider posting a hike or a social outing for bisexual women and look at what events/groups may be posted. Like with anything in life, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. It’s more difficult for bisexual women to meet lesbians who aren’t threatened or fearful of bisexuality, but it’s not impossible. There are absolutely lesbians who are comfortable with dating someone who identifies as bisexual. It takes someone comfortable in their own skin, mature, open and educated about bisexuality.

If all else fails, consider hiring a professional matchmaker. Like with any investment it is imperative you do your homework. Find a reputable matchmaking service that will focus on finding you quality, grounded, attractive women who meet your dating criteria. You will hopefully enjoy meeting these new women and the dating process will fuel your self esteem. Through dating you will inevitably experience a period of self-discovery and become more acquainted and comfortable with you!

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