Last updated on June 18th, 2025 at 03:53 pm

“I’m not ready for a relationship.” Most of us have heard that phrase before, said by a would-be date or by ourselves. Maybe we’ve watched a friend launch themselves headfirst into a new connection only to wince and tell our friends how obvious it is they aren’t ready. But what does it mean to be “ready for a relationship,” and how do you know if you are or not? Here are five questions I recommend people ask themselves when working on this question.

Are you interested in a relationship?

Not everyone is “ready for a relationship” — because not everyone wants one. If you only want casual arrangements, aren’t interested in the relationship escalator, or keep finding yourself in situationships and are perfectly happy with that, there’s nothing wrong with that.

What’s important to you about sex and dating? What feels most exciting or appealing in your most honest moments, even if it feels vulnerable to imagine? Is it waking up to someone next to you in the middle of the night, doing the crossword in bed together on Sundays, and cuddling on the couch while watching The Bachelor? Or is it more fun, sexy nights out over cocktails and flirty texts before you get to go home alone and wake up with no one to worry about but yourself? If it’s the latter, you may not be “ready for a relationship” — but you don’t need to be if you don’t want to.

Are you still holding out hope for an ex or former relationship?

There’s a saying that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. This may or may not be true, but it can be difficult to fully show up to a new relationship if you’re still actively pining for someone else.

It’s not necessarily required to be completely “over” someone before dating or getting into another relationship — after all, what does that even mean? It’s entirely normal to think about important relationships at least occasionally throughout your life. And of course, the conversation about mobbing on from exes is different from non-monogamous people; the idea that you could feel sad about the end of one relationship and also still be fully committed to another isn’t incompatible with ethical non-monogamy.

However, if you’re monogamous and find yourself still actively wishing to be with a partner, thinking about how you’d get back together with them if you could, or feel like you’re settling for anyone besides them, you may not be ready to seriously date other people yet.

Are you afraid of commitment (or getting hurt)?

Maybe the archetypal example of someone who’s “not ready for a relationship” is due to a feat of commitment — someone who maybe even goes through all the motions of a relationship, sleeping over, inviting your date to meet your parents, or sharing high levels of emotional intimacy before deciding you aren’t up to it.

If this sounds like you, you may be someone with an avoidant attachment style who associates closeness and intimacy with risk and danger. It may feel like committing to a person or a relationship means you or someone else will inevitably get hurt. Alternatively, maybe you’re someone who’s been in toxic relationships (or been cheated on) in the past, and you aren’t sure whether you want to risk that again.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to work on your attachment issues or relationship history in therapy, but it also remains true that we are both hurt in connection and heal in connection. Therapy and personal work can go a long way, but there will likely not be a point where you are entirely “over” these fears. All relationships contain the risk of hurt and pain, or of being betrayed by someone you care about; at some point, all of us must decide if these are acceptable risks or not.

Are you waiting to be “healed”?

Sometimes, we’re not sure we’re ready for a relationship because we feel like there’s “still something wrong with us.” Maybe we think we need to fix our attachment issues or go to more therapy; maybe we think we need a better job, to lose weight, or to figure out our gender before we go back on the market. Often, we imagine there’s some more finished, complete version of ourselves in the future — the “healed” version — and we’d rather that potential dates meet that person than the messy, confused, imperfect version of ourselves we know.

In reality, that perfect, “healed” version of ourselves is an illusion — not because it’s not possible to get better or improve yourself, but because that process is constant and unending. There will always be something to work on about yourself or your life — and you’re perfectly capable and deserving of being in a loving relationship while you do so.

Are you able to be happy when single?

If you’re single and ready for a relationship, let yourself slow down and notice whether what you’re feeling is excitement and openness to something new, or anxiety, insecurity, or panic about being alone. Paradoxically, the times when we feel most “ready” for a relationship are sometimes when we most need to pump the brakes.

Suppose you’re finding it challenging or painful to be single. In that case, if it’s making you obsess over your self-worth, you find the loneliness excruciating, or if you feel like you have no purpose or no one else to rely on in your life without a partner, a relationship may not be what’s best for you right now. Not necessarily because you’re not “ready” — but because you may be relying on romantic relationships in a way that puts both you and your relationships at a disadvantage. When you need a relationship to feel good, it’s hard to relate to your relationship or your partner authentically. It’s not necessarily true that if you can’t love yourself, you can’t love anybody else — but your relationships will indeed be better off if you don’t need them to be happy.

Recommended Books:

Dare to Love Again: A Roadmap to Relationship Readiness

Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship

Becoming Relationship Ready: Discovering a radically new way to date

For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:

What’s a Situationship (and Are You in One?)

Do You Need to Be “Healed” Before You Find Love?

Diving Back Into Dating After a Toxic Relationship

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