There’s no relationship on earth that never has any conflict (and it wouldn’t be healthy even if there was!). Even though we know conflict is necessary, it’s always hard, and we may find we’re struggling to be the best version of ourselves during it. While fights in a relationship aren’t easy for anyone, there are a few things you can say that are almost guaranteed to make them worse than they need to be. Here’s what to make sure you never say in a fight (and what you should say instead):
1. “You always do this.”
The first rule of fighting fair is to avoid “always” and “never” statements — “you never listen,” “you always leave the dishes for me to clean up,” etc. That doesn’t mean you can’t address repetitive concerns or patterns that are upsetting you; it just means it’s better to use “I” statements to name what’s going on. Absolutes like “always” and “never” can cause a conversation to shut down, or derail the argument when the other person tries to prove they don’t literally always do this.
Instead, try: “I’m frustrated that we’re having this conversation again — it feels like we’re going in circles.”
2. “Calm down.”
While it can be difficult to talk to a partner who’s very activated and upset, telling someone to “calm down” is a surefire way to make them feel insulted and condescended to — and like you find their feelings irritating and inconvenient. It’s fair to ask for a calmer, more reasonable conversation, especially if your partner tends to lose their cool or yell at you, but using the imperative isn’t the way to do it.
Instead, try: “I want to have this conversation with you, but I need it to be without yelling. Should we take five minutes to cool off?”
3. “I’m not doing this with you.”
It’s understandable to want to take a break from some difficult conversations, especially if they’re sprung on you at an inconvenient time or if you feel like you’re retreading the same issue over and over ad nauseam. However, it’s significantly detrimental to your relationship to just shut down a topic or conversation completely and refuse to engage with it.
Instead, try: “I’m struggling to handle this conversation the way I want to because I’m frustrated. Can we have this conversation at a future time/under different circumstances so I can approach it better?”
4. “Do you even love me anymore?”
When we’re in the middle of a difficult conflict and our partner is angry or clinical instead of warm and loving, it’s very normal to feel a bit disconnected from them. Especially for those of us with anxious attachment, this can feel very destabilizing; it may feel like our partner is rejecting or punishing us, or that we’re losing the relationship. It’s natural to want some kind of reassurance, but accusing your partner of not caring about you or trying to provoke them into reassuring you that they do will only cause resentment and derail both of you from resolving the actual issue.
Instead, try: “I’m feeling really activated and unsure of where I stand with you because of this issue, and it’s making it harder to navigate this.”
5. “You’re overreacting.”
Partners are never going to see eye to eye on everything; it’s common for fights to spring up because two people don’t agree on the importance or priority of something (like housework or domestic labor). But addressing this disparity by trying to convince your partner not to care about the thing they care about, or dismissing their feelings. Even if your partner’s priorities are inconvenient or different than your own, dismissing them will cause more problems than it solves.
Instead, try: “I’m struggling to understand why you feel so strongly about this, but I want to.”
6. “I get it, you’d be better off without me — I should just leave.”
Conflict with our partner can feel incredibly hurtful and cause a lot of shame, even if our partner doesn’t intend that effect. It can feel like you’re being personally attacked, and your partner has a low opinion of you as a person. Feelings of shame are really difficult to deal with, but threatening to break up with your partner (and putting your partner in a position to beg you to stay) is only exacerbating the issues that are causing you shame. You can be honest about how you’re feeling while staying in the present conversation; moving through the conflict successfully will help resolve your feelings better than baiting your partner into reassurance.
Instead, try: “I hear that you’re really upset about this; I’m feeling like I can’t meet your needs and I’m not sure how to move forward from there.”
7. “You’re being so mean/crazy/irrational/unfair/stupid”
We’re not necessarily on our best behavior when we’re upset, angry and hurt — it’s entirely possible your partner really is behaving badly. But labeling their behavior as an inherent trait of their person shifts the dynamic to weighing in on each other’s overall characters, which is unlikely to be helpful. Stay focused on the behavior, not who they are as a person.
Instead, try: “I’m really frustrated by how you’re handling this.”
8. “I hate you.”
This is something we may be tempted to let fly when we’re really upset. “I hate you” is a phrase we likely used in early childhood to express anger or frustration before we had better language and skill sets around communicating our feelings. But as an adult, this is a phrase that can do irreversible damage to your relationship; even if you take it back later, it may be difficult for your partner to ever truly believe that you didn’t mean it.
Instead, try: Taking a break and regulating your nervous system before returning to the conversation.
9. “I don’t care.”
In the heat of the moment, it can be easy to let this phrase slip out, especially if our partner is trying to hammer home a point we think is irrelevant and feel irritated by. But even if we mean this phrase to refer to their argument or their point, it will almost inevitably be heard as an affirmation that we don’t care about our partner. Even if the issue is resolved, the memory of this will likely remain.
Instead, try: “I’m really struggling with this and feel really frustrated. Is there a different way we can approach this?”
10. Nothing (silent treatment)
Conflict can be difficult, scary, and overwhelming; especially for those of us with avoidant attachment, it can be tempting to try to avoid the conflict entirely even after our partner initiates it. That could look like “taking space” or time to “cool off” with no clear plan about when that time will come to an end; trying to change the subject; or even just ignoring calls and texts. This may alleviate your discomfort in the moment, but will compound the conflict and difficulty in your relationship over the long term.
Instead, try: Finding a more accessible way to share how you feel and respond to your partner’s concerns; if talking in person is too activating, try writing them a text or an email, or talk about the issue on a walk in a public place where you don’t need to make eye contact.
Recommended Books:
Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection
The High-Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, and Validation
Love More, Fight Less: Communication Skills Every Couple Needs: A Relationship Workbook for Couples
For More Articles Check Out These Recent Posts:
Here’s the Wrong Way(s) to Break Up With Someone
What to Do About Conflicts Over Housework and Domestic Labor
What You Need to Know About Narcissists and Narcissistic Abuse
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